Don't Flip My Switch: I'm no electrical engineer!

It's been one of those weeks. You know the type...multiple events scheduled for each day.  Somedays I'm not even sure how it will all work since I need kids in two places at once. Then there is all my work around the house; cooking, cleaning, laundry. Christmas activities are popping up all over the place. Add to it my church assignments and other friend and family obligations. Even things I enjoy become just another thing to check off my list. These days usually end with me feeling tired and stretched WAY too thin.  I often find myself falling back into unhealthy habits. 

The thing I'm finally coming to accept about having an eating disorder is it never will go away. It's hard for me to even type that sentence. However, my amazing therapist, Landry is helping me understand that this isn't the equivalent to a life sentence!  She explains that an eating disorder is like a switch that's wired in my head. Anytime things get crazy or stressful my wiring will run a current to the eating disorder switch. When I first heard this I felt pretty discouraged and frustrated. I do not want to live with this for the rest of my life. Landry assured me that just because the switch is there doesn't mean it has to be on. 

Learning to control the switch is now my goal. When life gets crazy and stressful I can use the tools I've learned in therapy to divert the current from triggering the eating disorder switch. The tools I use aren't magic. The are actually pretty basic and logical.  

One tool I'm learning is that it is extremely important to take care of myself. This means keep myself healthy, well rested, and exercise in moderation.  Sleep is very important. Gone are the days of functioning on 3 or 4 hours of sleep! Being sick can also prove very challenging. So, I have to be very alert and make sure I'm taking care of my physical well being so as to not allow the current to flip the switch. 

Another important tool is focusing on the positive. I'm generally a happy person but this world is full of so much sadness and darkness. Honestly, it REALLY brings me down.  I try to avoid watching the news. I even have to be careful what I read...non-fiction or fiction. If it's very dark or sad and hopeless I fall into the depths of despair. I even have to keep things in check when my loved ones have a bad day or challenges. If I can't help or fix it, I become overwhelmed by it. To combat this, I have to stay positive and optimistic to prevent my switch from turning on. 

The final tool I want to mention is called "cope ahead". Because I like to plan in advance, this tool works great for me. When I see a busy hectic day, I can plan ahead ways to prevent the current from switching on my eating disorder switch. This might be as simple as putting a few extra eat on the run snacks in my purse the night before a busy day, or as difficult as seeing my schedule is full and saying no to another scheduling request. It's like seeing the storm on the horizon and getting my tools all lined up to stop the current just in case. 

I'm no electrical engineer, but I'm grateful for this analogy.  It really helps me to visual what I need to do to stay in recovery and to continue to work toward a healthy happier me.  

What Does Top Gun and a Wagon Have in Common?

I used to watch the movie Top Gun all the time! (I adored Tom Cruise before he got all jump on a couch weird.)  I hadn't seen it in years when just the other day my hubby was flipping through the channels and stopped on Top Gun. It was about half way through the movie and we were drawn to it like moths to a flame. Towards the end, after Goose dies in a freak flying accident , the commander of Top Gun expresses how important it is for Maverick to get back up in the air and fly. Maverick just can't get over the loss of his navigator and best friend and can't get in the cockpit to complete his training. He had hit a wall, a stumbling block, a bump in the road.   He had fallen and couldn't get back up!

The idea of getting over challenges has been around for ages. For someone who fell off a horse, people might encourage, "Get back in the saddle!"  After a car accident, you may have to encourage a teen to get "back behind the wheel".  Soliders may experience feeling "gun shy" after a stressful situation.

Not too long ago I lost my way. I fell off the recovery wagon. I not only couldn't get back up, I straight up didn't want to get back up. But I was blessed with some amazing friends and a loving supportive family. They encouraged me and even gave me a boost to get back into the recovery wagon.  My recovery wagon had a new driver in the form of my new therapist. At first I was unsure, and I didn't know if her driving skills would work for me and my wagon.  For awhile I just rode, watching the miles pass by. Then I started to participate and work with my driver as she maneuvered my recovery wagon up the steep slopes of eating disorder mountain. Some days were hard, some were easy. At times, I felt like I was going to fall off again, but my driver and I had put some safety features into place to keep me on board.  They worked.

Now we are starting a new leg of the journey. I'm going to be driving my wagon now.  I've been working hard and it's time for me to take the reins. This means that now I will only be visiting with my therapist every other week, instead of every week.  I am very proud. I know I am ready for this.  I still have my friends and family supporting me. Plus, my driver is riding right next to my wagon. All I have to do is ask for her help when I need it.

Maverick does overcome his challenges to pilot a fighter plane and he saves the day.  Like Maverick,  I'm back on board too. I know I can drive my recovery wagon into the valley of health and happiness and save myself.  Top Gun and wagons...they are totally connected!

Wrong Prayer

I've been praying the wrong prayer. For well over a year I've been carrying a prayer in my heart and mind, and it is wrong!

I was studying my scriptures and read a story that I've read a million times when the proverbial light bulb clicked on!  All this time I've been struggling to over come my eating disorder, I've prayed for Heavenly Father to remove this struggle. What I needed to pray for was the strength to overcome it.

Some may say, "Oh, it's just semantics!"  But I don't think so. Praying for my problems to be taken away puts me in the position of helpless victim.  Praying for strength to overcome puts me in the drivers seat, with The Lord as my co-pilot. (Excuse the corny bumper sticker reference!)

It's interesting as my mind and body are healing from the eating disorder my thoughts and feelings change and become clearer.  The first major change in my thought process I noticed was to accept the eating disorder as a challenge or life lesson. I had always thought of it as a punishment or curse. Now I think, what am I supposed to learn from this? Again, it takes me out of the role victim and puts me in a position of control.

These ideas can apply to any challenge in life!  We have the choice to be victim or boss. It's almost a guarantee that outside influences will impact your life - random people, work, health, finances, family, friends, church. Those things you can NOT control. BUT you can control your reaction to these things. I'm not saying it's easy because I KNOW it's not. However, with the help of family, friends, therapists, doctors, God, and our Savior Jesus Christ we can learn to be the boss of our lives, not the victim!   Time to change up my prayer!

No Need to Get the Police Involved!

This week I discovered that the reason my tire kept losing air was because I had run over a nail somewhere on the road. Unfortunately, the tire place couldn't get me a new tire that day because they didn't have our tire of choice in stock...we only use Michelin (shameless unpaid product placement).  So they put on the spare and I drove carefully on the sad ugly spare tire for the next 24 hours. After they got the new tire on the next day, they had some problems getting the spare back in place. The technician came in and told me, "Sorry, we can't get your spare back on."  My first thought was "That's ok."   But then I thought, if they can't get it on, how am I supposed to get it back up?  So I looked at him and said, "Well, it needs to be put back like you found it yesterday when you got the spare out."  He mumbled something about talking to his manager. Then I watched a new team of guys try unsuccessfully to put my spare back. So the manager comes to me about 30 minutes later and informs me that the wench to lift the tire is binding and it needs to be replaced and the part will cost blah blah blah. I just looked at him. Then he said, "I have to talk to the main manager and I'll see what we can do for you, but he won't be back until Thursday."

Why am I boring you with this story? BECAUSE I FOUND MY VOICE!  I left there feeling proud. VERY proud!  I thought for one tiny little second about saying, "Oh, that's ok." or "No problem." like I've done a million times in my life, when it's NOT ok and it IS a problem!  I was assertive (NOT AGGRESSIVE... remember my blog about almost getting arrested? 😳)  I told my hubby and he was pretty mad at the tire place and asked if he needed to take care of it.  I told him that I would take care of it. But 20 years of seeing me be passive and not speaking up has us in a pattern where he has to take care of this kind of stuff. He kept bringing it up the next couple days and told me to remind them that they better fix it for me or they won't like having to deal with him!  But I didn't use that threat. I just followed up and kept using my voice.  The tire place made arrangements and this Monday morning it will get fixed!

Does this mean I'll always be able to stand up and speak my mind, wants, needs, and/or feelings?  Probably not. But when I don't, and I realize I didn't but I should have, I'm not going to beat myself up. I'm going to think about why I did what I did. I'm going to think about how I might have handled the situation differently. I'm going to recommit to using my voice.  See!  No need to get the police involved!

Master or Servant

I've been biting my nail for as long as I can remember. But when I am in the clutches of my eating disorder, I stop biting my nails. I thought about this a lot last week when I realized I was biting my nails again. Automatically I started getting down on myself. I got frustrated with myself and my inability to stop this bad habit.  I questioned why I was so strong when I gave into the eating disorder.  I also felt more driven, more motivated, and more powerful. I would feel like I had ultimate mastery over my eating, exercising, and emotion.  AND fingernail chewing!

So my therapist, Landry was teaching me about another useful tool referred to as "ABC Please".   The B stands for "build mastery".  The concept is, as you build mastery you gain confidence and confidence helps you when you experience emotional struggles.  I mentioned my nail chewing habit and how I felt like I could master or conquer that habit when I had an eating disorder, but when I start to recover I go back to biting my nails.  She asked me to tell her more. Then I admitted with a shameful hung head that I felt so strong and powerful when I gave into the eating disorder. Plus, I admitted that I miss that feeling. Landry assured me these feelings were normal. After all, an eating disorder was my minds way to best handle life.  It just has horrible (and deadly) side effects, which mean we have to learn new ways to deal with life.

We talked more about why an eating disorder gives us the illusion of power and strength. No discussion on this topic can occur with out pointing out that the power, strength, and mastery one feels while struggling with an eating disorder is nothing more than an illusion. It's the disorder with the power. Rosalind didn't have power and strength and mastery. I wasn't the master. I was the servant.  Then Landry asked me a very pointed, direct question.  "Can Rosalind build mastery?"  All week I could only think about how hard things are without my eating disorder. Yet, this one question made me reevaluate how I had been viewing things. Look at all I have done as the master. I've been exercising consistently AND sensibly with out an eating disorder driving and ordering me to exercise multiple times a day.   I have almost completely taken over control of my food intake and no longer listen to the restricting commands from the eating disorder.   I am working on understanding and mastering my emotions.  I've overcome fears and doubts and anxieties. None of that as a servant to an eating disorder. I'm doing these things, these often very hard things, as the master to myself!

There are lots of things in life that can become our master...food, job, fashion, exercise, our kids...the list can go on and on. It's up to us to stand up and demand freedom. It's time to become masters of ourselves and no longer allow things and people to in prison us.  Only we can build true mastery to make us stronger and mentally healthier people.  Who are you?  Master or servant?

Acceptance

I feel good. No, I feel great!  I feel stronger and happier than I have in a very long time. I feel like myself again. Only, a different me. (Does that even make sense?) I feel like I have better control over my mind and thoughts and emotions. I'm not perfect and I never will be. Surprisingly, I'm ok with that.

So after discussing my discovery of feeling great and mentally healthy and strong, my mentor, Jess asked what got me to this place. I thought about it a lot. I think there are several contributing factors that I could thank for getting me to this point. However, I have to give a big standing ovation to a tough but very helpful skill my therapist Landry taught me. Thank you "reality acceptance"!

For those of you who have never heard of "reality acceptance" before, let me briefly explain to you how this tool has helped me get through my rough times. Basically, when things are hard or rough, I mentally acknowledge that things are hard and give myself permission to feel whatever feelings are associated with it. Then if I don't like the situation I can move to change it.

Let me share with you an example. The place I go to therapy is pretty intense. Part of the check in process is weighing in when I visit my therapist each week.  I don't ever see the numbers, but it still caused me big time anxiety. All week I'd worry about what the scale would say. I'd try planning my wardrobe around weighing, picking out the clothes I felt were the lightest. I would get very anxious before every appointment. I even considered stopping therapy because I hated weighing in SO much. But once I learned about acceptance, I went right to work and decided to use it on this weekly cause of anxiety and unhappiness. I basically sat myself down and gave myself a little pep talk. I reminded myself that weighing in weekly takes all of 3 minutes and then it's over. I've never been fussed at or belittled for the number on the scale. It is simply a measuring tool to determine my over all health and recovery. It's only 3 minutes!  Yes, it's scary and makes me anxious. That ok. However, it's only three minutes!  After it's over, I am fine!  So accept that it's uncomfortable for those three minutes, but there is no reason to fret and worry about it all week!

That's it!  I accepted that it's hard and uncomfortable for me to weigh every week. By validating my feelings I'm stronger and more able to move past it. I can't change it and I still get anxious right before I weigh in, but I remind myself that it's ok to feel that way instead of beating myself up and working myself up into a full blown anxiety attack.  Then I give myself the three minutes it takes to weigh in to be uncomfortable and then I move away from that worry and don't allow it to hold me down.

It's so basic and simple.  Its also very gentle and nurturing. Instead of being harsh and judgmental with my thoughts and feelings, I am learning to accept them. There is no pushing uncomfortable feelings and experiences away. It's all about accepting and then being strong and moving past it.

Learning to Love My Worst Enemy

After my very first session with my therapist in South Carolina, she told me I might feel physically and emotionally exhausted. She encouraged me to take it easy that day and then said four words that have often replayed in my mind over and over since that day. "Be gentle with yourself!"

I consider myself very blessed to come from an amazing and loving family. I never doubted that my parents love me. I was taken care of, spoiled just enough, and cherished. But one person was harder on me than anyone else. That person pushed, belittled, demanded, shamed, drove, and chastised. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I felt like this person hated and despised me. That person was me. I always hated looking at myself in the mirror. I hated seeing pictures of me.  Compliments embarrassed me.  I worked hard to be "perfect" but I always told myself I was far from it.  However, I demanded of myself to maintain the facade of a perfect girl. I felt like a hypocrite, knowing I was flawed and imperfect, yet constantly struggling to maintain a "perfect" image.  I was my own worst enemy!

And then, four words. I don't remember much else from that first session.  It had been a VERY hard day and I was physically and emotionally drained. I went home and those words played over and over in my head. The eating disorder (ED) did not like those words. ED's favorite dish is self hatred. He feast on it!  But that day was my first step in actually helping myself. So I followed the advice of my therapist and took it easy that afternoon. I allowed myself to relax.

I can't promise you that it's been all rainbows and butterflies since then. Overcoming hate is not like flipping a switch.  Like so many things it life, it's all about baby steps. One of the next major discoveries to help me learn to be more gentle with myself was noticing how I treat others compared to how I treat myself. I fret and worry about and serve and love my friends at all times.  I am patient and understanding. I would never belittle or verbally attack my friends. I only want to build them up and help them realize how amazing and special they are. Why couldn't I do the same for myself.

So I'm learning. And it IS difficult. Somedays I feel selfish...but that's the self hate talking. Somedays I feel fat and ugly. Somedays I feel unworthy of self kindness. On these days, the best thing I can do is to think the opposite, even if I don't believe it or really feel it!  When I do that, and allow myself to be gentle with me, I feel a little surge of power. Sometimes, I even see a little bit of a Rosalind that I like. I've always admired strong confident women. It's rewarding to see bits of strong, confident me trying to shine through the shell of doubt and dislike that has cocooned me for so long.

So, to all who read my blog...today (and everyday) be gentle with yourself!  As Christopher Germer says, "A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day.  A string of such moments can change the course of your life."  So, grant yourself a little grace. Excuse your faults and imperfections. Honestly acknowledge your talents and goodness. Everyone deserves to feel loved, especially by themselves.

Traveling with an Unwanted Travel Companion

I love the word "wanderlust".  It's the perfect word to describe my insashable cravings to travel and see new places. If money grew on trees I would go some place new every month. I'm talking serious around the world travel here folks!  My list of places I dream of visiting is too long to even list!  And I can't pick my top ten places I want to visit because I could not even began to narrow my list down.  I want to see it ALL!

Traveling isn't always easy. You have language barriers, jet lag, lost luggage, forgotten necessary items, and other travel challenges. However these can be easily remedied and most well traveled folks learn to deal with these inconvienances.

However, there is one travel problem that's a little harder to fix and deal with...bringing ED (eating disorder) with you when you travel.

Because most travel involves being gone a day or more, you have to eat. In the past before ED took charge, I actually enjoyed eating new things and the lazy attitude of giving up control of food to whatever and whenever.  Now, despite working to recover, I struggle with lots of anxiety and guilt around food.  This is even more difficult when travels lead us to staying with friends and family at their homes.

These feeling aren't exclusive to travel...they also pop up at social gatherings, large dinner parties, and sometimes even lunch with a friend. But with travel, it is 24 hours a day for days and days. It honestly gets exhausting.  When ED had control, I had a pretty short list of "safe" foods.  Although I worked with a nutritionist for a short time on expanding my menu, I still have some food hang ups. I still like very specific foods at certain meals. I try to avoid sugar desserts.  I'm a bit obsessed with protein consumption.  I only like specific between meal "snacks"...when I eat a snack.  Partly I think these rigid food ideas give me comfort because I do like things to be the same. I am perfectly happy eating Greek yogurt with pumpkin seed flax granola every morning!  But, I know there will be times I can not eat that and I have to accept that and not let it bother me. Sometimes, that's easier said than done.

So, when I win a billion dollars from a lottery I never play, I guess I will just give up my list of places I want to go visit. It's too hard with ED as a travel companion.  Hello?  I'm not giving up my travel dreams!  Even though it will be challenging and sometimes vey hard, I will just have to deal with it.  Besides, I've had wanderlust much longer than ED. He can stay home! I just won't be buying ED a ticket!

KNOCK! KNOCK!

I love a good knock knock joke. From a young age, I trained my kids to appreciate them too. But ED (eating disorder) does not like knock knock jokes. That's because ED doesn't like me to ever answer the door!

When I started contemplating letting others know about my struggle with ED, I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I felt getting it out in the open would free me from feeling like I was hiding a significant part of me. (I'm not saying my eating disorder is a part of me - but my struggle to beat it is!). On the other hand I worried about sharing because of how personal and vulnerable it would be for me.  Plus, I don't want my kids to know at this point in their lives.

Since I moved and no longer had access to my therapist, I turned to my mentor.  When I got ready to move, I expressed to my therapist the desire to continue in recovery without the help of a therapist. (Little did I understand how very difficult recovery is.) She encouraged me to at least partner up with a mentor through the brilliant program called Mentor Connect. So when I got to Texas and the stress and pressure of a move, unconventional living arrangements, and the holidays all piled on me, I could feel ED reeling me back in.  In desperation I register with Mentor Connect.   All the mentors in this program are recovered from an eating disorder. My mentor is Jess.  She doesn't even live on this continent, she lives in Australia.  Jess is brilliant and is going to be an amazing therapist one day.

So, back to my story. I told my thoughts and desires for sharing my struggle with Jess.  She told me about her positive experience in opening up with all her friends and family.  She recommend starting out by going small and just sharing with a select few that I trusted to handle it gently. After contemplating this and very carefully choosing a few people, I anxiously shared my struggle. The feedback was so positive, supportive, and made me feel special and loved. ED hated it. He was so mad that I had opened the door and let more people in.

When ED gets mad he starts really laying down the law and his rules become strict and harsh. I found myself falling under his spell. One of my best friends (despite living 1000+ miles away) could tell something wasn't right. So, she point blank asked me "Are you ok?"  This is the equivalent of "knock knock".  Here's how my conversation with ED goes:
ED: "Don't answer that!"
Me: But my friend wants in!"
ED: "No, she really doesn't.  She's tired of you whining!"
Knock!  Knock!
Me: "She's still at the door."
ED: "Shhhh!  Hide and maybe she will go away!"
Me: "I should let her in.  She's my friend."
ED: "No!  You should be embarrassed that you are so weak that you need her again!"

So, the knock goes unanswered. I tell my friend I'm fine. Then ED is happy. He won and he celebrates by giving me more rules and put downs.

When I confess to Jess in our weekly correspondence that I'm having a really hard time and that ED is loud in my head, she tells me of a game he does like to play...tug-a-war.  She tells me, "As you start opening up a little more, ed gets a little louder. That’s ed protesting and trying to convince you not to change. After all, ed doesn’t want you to seek support because seeking support makes you stronger. When you are stronger and more confident then ed will have less and less power over your life. So right now it might feel like a bit of a tug of war between ed and that part of you who wants recovery."

That made so much sense to me!  All the sudden I didn't feel like the recovery failure who should be ashamed.  ED only told me that to weaken my pull on the rope.  So I immediately texted my friend and told her to come back.

KNOCK KNOCK!
ED: "Don't answer!"
Me: "I invited her!  I'm answering!"
ED: "It won't do any good.  You can't recover!"
Me: "You are right, I can't recover...if I keep listening to you?"
ED is mad!  I ignore him and say to the door, "Come in it's open!"
How do you like that tug-a-war move?!?!

Do I Have My Oxygen Mask On?

Ladies and Gentlemen -   On behalf of the captain and the entire crew, we welcome you aboard Flight 2014, nonstop service for life!  At this time, make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position. Also make sure your seat belt is correctly fastened.  We suggest that you keep your seat belt fastened throughout the flight, as we may experience turbulence.  In the event of a decompression, an oxygen mask will automatically appear in front of you. To start the flow of oxygen, pull the mask towards you. Place it firmly over your nose and mouth, secure the elastic band behind your head, and breathe normally. Although the bag does not inflate, oxygen is flowing to the mask. If you are travelling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other person.

Many life lessons can be learned from a flight attendants instructions...the Captain (God) is in control; keep seats upright (good posture is important), their will be turbulence (in life) so keep those seat belts fastened, and finally, make sure you put on your oxygen mask first before helping others.

A few weeks ago I started meeting with a new therapists. This was a very difficult but necessary step for my well being and recovery from my eating disorder. My new therapist is Landry and things are working out pretty well. I like her and even though it's very different from my therapy in South Carolina, I feel a new surge of hope and encouragement to work towards recovery.

Last week I was discussing with Landry about a difficult day. We charted out the events of the day and talked about what I could have done differently. It was helpful to see the bumps and challenges along the path that I could have handled in diverse ways. Then Landry asked me if I have ever flown before. I have. She reminded me of the safety speech given by the flight attendants regarding oxygen masks. Before you help anyone, be it child, or old person, or injured person, you must put on your mask first!  If you fail to follow these guidelines you risk running out of air and passing out or dying and then you can't help anyone!  Then Landry asked me, "Do you have your oxygen mask on?"

As I looked through the chart of events from my difficult day I realized I had been too busy helping others with their masks and had neglected my own.  Like everything in life, this is a balancing act. I can't neglect others or become self centered, but I need to take care of me. This is difficult for me. I like taking care of and helping others, but if I think about the oxygen mask parable, I can see the logical reasoning behind taking care of me first. I can't let my self become too busy with others to not take care of my basic needs.

So this week I am starting some new goals...it's not New Years Eve, but it is a new school year.  Here are my daily oxygen masks I need to put on first before I help others:
Eat healthy and sufficient meals
Exercise
Read scriptures
Pray
Yoga/Stretching
Adequate sleep
I don't have to spend hours doing these things, I just have to do them. I have to do it for my friends and family. I can't help them if I am not the best me I can be. I also need to learn and accept that it's ok to do it for myself. Buddha said, "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection."

Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight. Thank you

Lessons to Learn

The death of Robin Williams hit me square in the heart. Maybe it's timing was too close to one of the darkest times I've ever experienced. After giving up on recovery and deciding to just live with an eating disorder, I was really choosing the opposite of living.  Since hearing the sad news, my heart ached for the mental, emotional, and physical anguish that Robin Williams was feeling. The irony of the whole situation made it that much more unbearable. The irony that a man whose life work was making others laugh was so very unhappy and full of sorrow.  The irony that he felt so alone and unnecessary in the world that he felt taking his own life was the best option, yet the tributes and monuments from millions of adoring fans haven't stopped for days.  It's these two ironies that I have not been able to stop thinking about.

It may be cliche but it's true, everyone is fighting some kind of battle. Wouldn't the world be so much better if we strived to be just a little more gentle and understanding with others?  Would it be that difficult to give others the benefit of the doubt instead of blame and frustration and judgement?  Could we learn to look past the happy façade, the shy facade, the angry facade, the stuck-up facade, the strong facade and see the real person with feelings and emotions?  Can't we just be more understanding and empathetic?

Why do we wait till it's too late to tell people how much they mean to us?  I've decided to take the opportunity to share with as many people as I can, how much they mean to me. Everyone loves to be loved and appreciated. I can't put into words how much it meant to me in my darkest hours to have friends and family express their love for and belief in me. And even more significant is the human touch...an arm around the shoulder, or a hug.  Don't wait.  Tell as many people as you can how much they mean to you. Hug!  You never know how much of an impact a few kind words or touch will have on someone.

Mr. Williams taught us to live large in life. In death may his lesson be to express our love and appreciation to others, as well as treating others gently with more understanding and kindness.

It's Time

I don't really have a topic for today's blog. It's been a tough couple weeks. I am finally feeling like my head is coming out of a dark thick fog. I have to admit, it feels so much better.

I would be very ungrateful if I didn't thank my fantastic parents, husband, and other family members who prayed for me and checked in on me.  Their love was the constant light in my dark days. I also should thank two of my dearest friends who had to make some tough choices. I'm grateful they loved me enough to take action. I'm also thankful for many other dear friends and their support. And finally I am thankful for my dear mentor, Jess.  Her experiences helped me feel understood and not so alone.

So now what?  I am working with a therapist again after nine long months of trying to basically be tough and do this on my own. I'm still not thrilled about going to see someone new. I don't like change. It's also a very different environment than what I experienced in South Carolina. However, it's time. It's time I finish learning how to deal with this monster.   It's time to accept that my family doesn't need perfect, they just need me.  It's time to give up a little control so I can have real control.  It's time to change my thoughts so I can change my world. It's time to befriend myself. It's time to let my inner gangster out to bust this eating disorder right in the teeth. I will still get tired. I know there will be discouragement. Mountains and valleys will fill the path I must travel. But it's time to allow faith to overcome fear and hope to overcome despair. It's time!

Giving Up on Getting Well

It's been a pretty frustrating and challenging couple of weeks. I basically decided I was done fighting and I gave up on recovery.  The only problem is my family and friends didn't exactly agree with this decision. It's very hard for me to be open about this. It's a pretty bleak and dark feeling. Plus, I know many people just don't understand eating disorders.  I've spent a lot of time this past week trying to explain my struggle to my loved ones. It's not easy. I was asked to do a lot of things I didn't want to do...things that would make me feel better and get me back on track with recovery. I just don't want to. My mentor Jess sent me these wise words...
"Relapse is so common for people living with ED. I have been there myself. Just because you are feeling this way today, doesn't mean you will feel the same way tomorrow."
So today I don't feel like doing any of the things to help me get back on track with recovery.  But I hope tomorrow or the next day or soon, that feeling will change. Until then I will do what is ask because those that care about me asked me to do it...because they love me...because I love them.
Here's a little something I wrote yesterday...
Lost
I've been lost. I couldn't find my way.
I was scared, alone and darkness filled my days
I've been lost. Feeling panic and despair
I couldn't find my way, on a pathway to nowhere.
I've been lost. Hope had left my soul.
All light was swallowed into an endless black hole.
When suddenly I noticed on the path in front of me
A marker of types, a lighthouse in my stormy sea
I strained my eyes and see another light ahead
Although the path seems more sure doubt cautions where I tread
But with each step, fear weakened and I slowly gain ground
I notice the dark fog lifting all around
Then I see the shadows along my timid trail
I hadn't been alone, my eyes only covered by a dark veil
As the darkness dispels with each small unsure stride
The light reveals my journey filled with loved ones by my side.
And in each hand a flashlight, helping illuminate my course
Since in my struggle I'd lost my own light source.
And though I was lost, I was never alone
My friends and family gave borrowed light to help me get back home.

I would never...

I would never call my friend hideous.
I would never tell my friend she shouldn't eat.
I would never say my friend was useless.
I would never call my friend a failure.
I would never tell my friend she's fat.
I would never say my friend was all alone.
I would never call my friend a crazy head case.
I would never tell my friend the world would be better off without her.
I would never say my friend was unloveable.
I would never hurt my friend.
I guess I'm not my friend.

One Day at a Time

The alarm on my phone goes off. I'm comfy in my bed. Outside the sun is just casting a thin purple light across the horizon of the darkened sky as the night fights the losing battle to day.  It's a new day.  Twenty-four hours of opportunities, chances, choices, moments, and memories. This day is solitary and unique. Once these 24 hours are over, they are gone forever. Abraham Lincoln said, "The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time."  So, just live each day fully!  Take life one day at a time!  Easy, right?

Sometimes it feels like in my quest to take life one day at a time, one day becomes two...which becomes three...which becomes weeks or even months. That one day called in its gang of friends and completely overwhelmed me.  It is in one of these never ending bad days that I get lost and vanquished to a dark place.   At some point I just have to stop the unbalanced madness and get life back into perspective. I have to remind myself that I don't have to take on the entire 24 hours at once

First thing to do is to focus on one breath...then two. Fill your chest and belly. Slow your breathing which in turn slows your mind.  Take deep, slow, cleansing breaths.

Next focus on one step at a time. Do whatever is the next thing you need to do...get out of bed, shower, dress, eat breakfast, go to work,take care of children, exercise...pick one task and triumphantly complete it. Then pick the next step, and the next. Feel the strength surge through you as you complete one step at a time. There is no rush!  Things will get done when they get done.

Finally focus on moments...the few seconds on the yoga mat when you feel complete peace, your child's hand in yours as you walk to the park, the taste of fresh sliced juicy peaches, the cool refreshing blast of cold AC in a hot car, the clean refreshing smell of new bath wash in the shower, a hug from a loved one or friend.  Living each of these moments makes time stand still but ironically speeds the day along.  

Repeatedly, I've come to realize that when bad days overwhelm me, I find myself in self-preservation mode. This means I start living in my head. I forget to breath, take one step at a time, and live in each moment. I forget I am one person.  I start living on auto pilot.  The great philosophical guru Osho declared, "Get out of your head and get into your heart.  Think less, feel more."

I've never died from one, or two, or a weeks worth of bad days. As a matter of fact, I've gotten through 100% of my bad days. That's not too shabby!  I'm tenacious like that!  You are too!  And just like that thin purple line on the darkened horizon wins out over night, so too can our good days win out over the dark bad ones.

Learning to See

Every day I use my eyes. From that first glance at the alarm clock in the morning, to the last sleepy glance at the shadows in my room at night. The amazing Helen Keller stated, "Of all the senses, sight must be the most delightful."  I've stood on a mountainside and beheld the beauty of the changing leaves of the fall in their fiery glory. I've admired beautiful palace gardens through out Europe. I've scrutinized my new babies from head to toe, trying to remember every detail. I've spotted people in need and rushed to help. I've poured over books filled with words that transport me to other times and places. I've observed my children playing happily (and sometimes not so happily) together. I've watched my friends laughing while enjoying comfortable friendships. I've spied on a herd of deer crossing a river on a cool crisp morning.
Yes, sight is delightful!  All of these, I've seen with my eyes.  My eyes work just fine...well, with a slight imperfection easily corrected by glasses. However, I've realized that my accurate vision (with or without glasses) falls short of 20/20 in one regard...when looking at myself. The same eyes that lovingly watch my kids, that admire my friends, that take in all the beauty of nature...those same eyes do not see the truth about me. I can not trust my eyes when they scrutinize my reflection in the mirror. Shannon Alder explained it best when she said, "Often the truth is in front of your face, but your eyes are so full of lies that you can't see it."  This problem is very confusing. On one hand what they see is true and beautiful.  On the other hand they see a false ugly distorted view. This is saddening, tormenting, and caustic. It's part of having an eating disorder...eyes that see fine, except when looking at ones self.
How can this issue be corrected?  Not even rose colored glasses can fix this problem. However, there are some steps to help correct.  The first step is simply realizing and acknowledging that your eyes don't work when seeing you!  Once you know this you can move on to the next step, which is challenge what your eyes see in you. Just like you stopped believing that kid in the 3rd grade who lied all the time (I mean how many weekend in a row can his family go across country to DisneyWorld?), you have to learn to stop believing what your eyes tell you. Finally, learn to see with your "other eye".  Rumi, a brilliant Persian theologian said, "Close both eyes to see with the other eye."  Some might call it the third eye or inner eye.  Others might refer to this as chi or soul. If you are a Star Wars fan, you might call it the force. I like to think of it as my heart. "
"A person who only sees with his eyes and not his heart misses the details of beauty." (Evie Fritz). This is the tender "eye", the "eye" that is kinder and gentler. It's easy to use this eye while viewing others.  It's the eye that lovingly watches a sleeping child even though 30 minutes ago that child had flooded the bathroom. It's the eye that still looks at a person as a friend even though they inadvertently hurt your feelings yesterday. It's time to train this eye to look at yourself.  Learn to see! "After all, the true seeing is within."  (George Eliot)

Eating Disorder 101

Every time I move somewhere, or visit somewhere new, I always enjoy researching about the area.  I love reading about the history of places. In addition, when I become curious about a topic I read and read about it until I am satisfied with what I know. I guess you could say I'm a big nerd. I'm ok with that!

After coming to terms with my struggle with an eating disorder, I knew the best way to beat it and recover would be to learn as much as I could about it. So today's post is Eating Disorder 101 based specifically on my experience with anorexia.

The first thing people should understand about an eating disorder is that is a very serious illness. It is NOT something people can just stop. It is not a phase or a way to get attention.  It is a horrible sickness.  Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any physiological disorder. As much as 20% of those who develop anorexia will die from it.   It's serious!

Eating disorders are about more than food and eating. For me, anorexia was a way for me to feel in control and powerful. The irony is, eating disorders eventually make you weak and very out of control, but the disease clouds your vision and tells you you have control!

With that said, it's also very much about food!  I thought about food excessively. I collected recipes and loved to look at cookbooks and food blogs. I even cooked and baked like crazy. My friends and family benefitted, but I never ate it. I was constantly bringing food to other people; whole meals sometimes.  I remember making this huge yummy dessert for a church picnic and not eating a single bite. Everyone loved it, I left with an empty dish and the mistaken feeling that I was stronger than wonder women because I had not taste a single bite of that dessert.

An eating disorder is a voice in your head. I know this sounds weird, but there was honestly a voice in my head telling me what I could and couldn't eat, when to exercise, when to weigh. And my weight was the guide to how good I was; losing weight meant I was doing ok, staying  the same was bad, and gaining was out right failure.  The voice was brutal! But I did what it told me! It was like being enslaved by the voice in my head.

Weight loss isn't the only physical change from an eating disorder. My hair was breaking and falling out at an alarming pace. I also was cold all the time. I wasn't able to sleep through the night.  Most alarming was the fact that I frequently experienced heart palpitations.  I was always tired and often felt dizzy. I was present in my life, but I wasn't living it.  I spent more time in my head with the voice than I did with the people and experiences around me.

Finally, eating disorders take a lot of time and work to recover from. Some days I feel strong and like I have the eating disorder behind me. Other days I feel like I'm fighting a war of attrition with no end in sight. It's on these days that the love and support of my husband, family, and my dear friends becomes a proverbial lighthouse in the turmoil of my storm.

I could write much more, but I should save some material for my next class!  :) Eating disorders are very isolating and difficult to overcome because they are so misunderstood.  Knowledge is the key!  If you know someone struggling with an eating disorder, hug them a little tighter. It truly is hell!

Recovery Ain't Easy

So my last post was a bit on the gloomy side. But if this blog is going to be honest, it's important to be honest about recovery. The truth is, recovery ain't easy!

When I finally decided to seek help in over coming my eating disorder, I naïvely thought I'd be over it and done in a month or two. Of course, that was unrealistic. However, I sit here almost a year after I started my journey to recovery and feel very tired. Once more, for the sake of honesty, I'm so tired I feel like giving up. Don't go getting crazy people...I said feel like giving up, not I AM giving up. But I am tired. I feel weak and the ED voice is taking advantage of this exhausted state.  

A huge blessing in my life these last few months has been my mentor, Jess. I've never met this amazing lady, I've never heard her voice, she lives on a whole different continent on the other side of the world. However, she has become my coach and cheering squad. She knows this "game" well because she's been in my place before. After confessing to her that my fatigue and exhaustion in recovery was overwhelming me she wrote these reassuring words, "It's ok to rest. It's ok to not be ok. This is part of recovery...Sometimes it feels easier to give in but in the long run, we know that not to be true. You deserve a life and you deserve to be happy...Although you feel tired and weak, I have seen your strength. I have witnessed your courage to talk back to ed and to draw strength from yourself and others around you."  And here is my favorite line, "I will hold onto your strength while you rest for now."

I can't properly describe the feelings of peace and comfort that flooded over me as I read these and other words of encouragement in her letter. It's ok to not be ok!  I literally felt the weight on my shoulders lightened. I can rest from this!  When the exhaustion and fatigue pass...because it will, my friend and mentor Jess will be there with my strength and hand it back over to me so I can finish my difficult journey to recovery.

Stockholm Syndrome in San Antonio.

In 1971, several bank employees in Stockholm, Sweden were held hostage in a vault for six days. During this time they became very emotionally attached to their captors. This became known as the "Stockholm Syndrome".   This syndrome is basically bonding through trauma. One way to describe Stockholm Syndrome is "strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other."  The victims sympathetic and positive feelings towards their tormentors is hard to understand and considered extremely irrational considering the danger they are put through.  Unfortunately, I completely relate.

My captor held me hostage for a long time. He relentlessly belittled me and put me down. He pulled me into an isolated world of just us. He controlled everything. He drastically limited what I ate and demanded excessive physical exercise. But somewhere in this dark tangled web I began to rely on my captor. It was us verses the world. He told me he was making me strong and I believed him. His rules and requirements became part of my life and I felt purpose and meaning through them. I felt strong. And ironically, I felt in control.

I know this next statement will be very hard for most of you to understand. I miss my eating disorder. I miss his voice, his rules, his plan.  He isn't all the way gone but he's not a constant in my life. Some days I get so tired of fighting the battle to recover that I long for my days as a hostage to my eating disorder. It seems easier, more comfortable, and safer.  Even as these thoughts pour out into words on a page, part of me sees the flaw in this.  But for now, it is what it is and I remain Stockholm Syndrome in San Antonio.

Living in Fear

Ok, I admit it. I'm a scaredy cat!  As a child I was scared of nuclear war.  As a teen I was scared of growing up.  Even as an adult, I still have many fears. My extreme fear of snakes is pretty well known amongst my friends and family.  I'm afraid of my kids getting hurt. I'm afraid of driving in unknown places, especially at night. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid to take risks.
My husband and I were talking about a future business opportunity. The idea was exciting and challenging. As we discussed it in greater detail I realized that my husband was seriously considering this and then the cold wave of fear started to overcome me. I am getting better about sharing my feelings, so I told him that I was scared by this idea. When he asked me why, the reason came spilling out if me before I could filter my feelings. I was scared I couldn't manage and it would fail. My daughters, master eavesdroppers, rushed into the kitchen where I was talking with my hubby. They buried me in all the wisdom of their 12 and 10 years of life experience.
"Mom, you won't look back and regret taking a chance, but you will regret not trying."
"You will miss 100% of shots you don't take."
After hearing their advice, I quickly dismissed it. They have so little life experience. They don't understand how scary life is. Then I stopped that thinking dead in its tracks.  Maybe I was the one that didn't understand. Maybe their child like faith simply took the place of fear. I remembered something I read last year by Brent Neilsen, "Fear is the opposite of faith. If you have fear, faith diminishes, but if you have faith, fear diminishes."
When I finally admitted to myself that I needed help overcoming my eating disorder, my friend got me the name of a specialized therapist. It took me weeks to work up the courage to call. Then it took several weeks to get in to see her. I will never forget how positively terrified I was that first time I went. I was so nervous and afraid I was physically sick. I remember sitting in the waiting area literally chanting over and over in my mind, "Faith not fear!  Faith not fear!" I wanted so badly to jump in my car and go home. I was afraid to confront my problems. It took several visits for me to overcome this fear.
The thing about fear is it can really prevent a person from living. There are so many things to be afraid of. At some point you just have to say "ENOUGH!  I'm not going to live in fear!"  I look back to my life before I saw my therapist and I think how different things would be if I had let fear prevent me from getting help.  I remember the hopelessness.  I remember how sick and weak I felt. I remember how in my attempts to gain control I had completely lost all control. I was scared, lost, unwell, unhappy, and full of fear.
Sometimes, as I reflect on my journey to overcome my eating disorder I see a glimpse of the strength I have gained. It is in these moments I understand the words of Larry Gibbons, "It is hard to build faith in the noonday sun. When the night is dark and the clouds are thick, we have an opportunity to put our hand in the Lord’s hand and rely on Him to help us through. Doing so strengthens our faith."  This time of trial has been the time for me to learn faith over fear.
About snakes...don't go getting all crazy!  I'm still terrified of them!

Unleash the Beast

I've never been an aggressive person.  Loyal...yes!  Passionate...yes!  But never aggressive. Contention and anger actually make me physically sick to my stomach and I do all in my power to avoid them. It doesn't even have to be directed at me, I still internalize the anger and it makes me sick and anxious. Despite my issues with anger, there have been a few times in my life when I have totally lost control. I don't really like the way that feels either.  One time was after a lady hit my car with my sister and children riding with me.  The lady had been careless and I felt like she seriously put my children in danger with her carelessness. I honestly felt like punching her lights out!  Lucky for me (and her) after I screamed at her and saw how scared she was of me I instantly felt ashamed and backed down. That was over four years ago.  But after a night last year I can tell you, the beast inside of me is not dead!

One of the tools I'm learning to use from my superhero (therapist) in overcoming my eating disorder is assertiveness. This has never been an easy characteristic for me.  First of all I have a hard time with moderation which makes differentiating between aggression and assertiveness difficult.  And second, I always want to be accommodating and laid back, and never a problem for someone else. I will go out to eat with friends to a place I don't even like and never say anything. I will wear clothes my mom sends me even if I don't like them.  I always let my husband pick out the movies we watch. When a friend offers me something to drink at her house I pretty much always say no thank you, even if I'm thirsty.  I've never thought of any of these examples as a flaw.  However, as of late, I've started thinking, "Why should I not voice my opinion and do what makes me happy?"   Why can't I make another restaurant suggestion?  Why can't I thank my mom for the shirt but tell her it's not my style?  Why can't I pick out a romance for movie night, just once?  Why can't I say, "Yes, I'd love a glass of water!"?

My superhero did warn me that when learning to be assertive the pendulum can swing too far the other direction and I can go from passive, right pass assertive over to aggressive.  So I've really thought about what these three words mean.  My definition of these three characteristics are as follows:
Passive: putting others needs and wants above your own, even if it makes you unhappy and/or uncomfortable; feeling like others needs are more important than your needs which can lead to people taking advantage of you.
Assertive: standing up for yourself, making your feeling and thoughts known, but never pushing them on others or at the expense of someone else's happiness, standing your ground when it means a lot to you
Aggressive: forcing your thoughts and opinions on others, bullying people (physically, emotionally, or verbally) to see things your way; attacking; not able to compromise.

So pretty much all my life I've been pretty much passive with an occasional gentle swing into assertive and a rare drastic swing into aggressive. But recently I took a path less traveled WAY into the dark scary forest of Aggression and met the beast.   Here is my travel tale:

I was watching my brother coach at a high school JV football game.  I was with my mom and sister. A visiting fan from the other team went and got the police and complained about some of the high school students sitting many rows above her and her husband. They were being kids...laughing loud, cheering, being crazy teenagers. So the police went up and literally stayed right up there with them for the rest of the game - silencing the fun and cheering. My mother was bothered by that and after the game she went up to the officers and told them, "Those kids weren't doing anything wrong. I don't know what that lady's problem was!" Well the lady and her husband were standing right behind my mom and the husband went berserk!  He was yelling and ranting and raving and my mom was giving it right back to him. The police said, "That's enough!  That's enough!" But the guy kept yelling at my mom. That's when I snapped. From the deep dark forest of aggression came the beast. With eyes red as hot coals and smoke curling out of its nostrils the beast flew in. I got up in the mans face and yelled "THEY SAID ENOUGH!"  The beast tensed its muscles, waiting!  The man started yelling at me!  The beast swooped in to attack. I lunged at the man.  Hands grabbed me and pulled me back.  The beast was ready to attack. Then I heard the police say "It will only make this worse if I have to arrest you!"  The beast was gone! The words were like a bucket of cold water bringing me back to reality and forcing the beast back into the dark forest of Aggression.  We left the stadium WITH a police officer escorting us out.  My adrenaline was pumping. I felt strong.  Holy cow!  I almost got arrested!!!!   I almost got arrested!!!!

As those words played over and over in my mind I realized I had ridden that pendulum WAY to the other side. I took it all the way into the deep dark dreary forest of Aggression and had unleashed the beast.  I had missed the mark - my arrow should have been aiming for assertive. In the heat of the moment that arrow flew right past it.  Within 12 hours ED (eating disorder) was running his mouth.  "You obviously can't trust yourself to let your feelings out. It would be best to go back to stuffing your feelings deep inside you.  It's  just not safe. You can't control yourself.  Feelings are bad and dangerous.  YOU ALMOST GOT ARRESTED!"  I recognize that voice and I know his advice will not help me in the long run.   My superhero has taught me that recovery is about perseverance. I'm disappointed I missed the assertive mark.  Instead of letting this drag me back in my recovery, I can preserver  and learn from this. Next time I'm in a heated situation it might be a better idea to remove myself and think about the situation. Until I learn how to better control my aim, I need to slow it down.  It's not only OK, but also probably wiser to stop and think about a reaction to a heated situation. So, hurray that I let that arrow fly and didn't let passiveness prevent me from even firing my arrow!  BUT - next time, slow down the shot so the arrow can hit the assertive mark, instead of flying into the dark forest of Aggression.   No one wants me to unleash the beast!

Rage

Ugly screaming rage inside my head
Tells me I'm no good, be better off dead
Reminds me of my imperfections and flaws
Constantly reminding me, never a pause
Rage - full of anger and disgust
Confusing me, ensnaring me, not sure who to trust
I'm not worth it, don't deserve happiness
Filling me full of madness, loneliness, sadness
Then it quiets and I think it's finally departed
But slowly the rage flairs again,  back to where I started.

R Bright 2013

Hiding

I got glasses when I was a senior in high school. However, I started wearing a non-prescription pair earlier than that. I think it was because I liked the way they looked. My prescription still isn't very strong. However, I wear my glasses all day, every day.  A few years ago my husband begged me to try contacts so "my beautiful blue eyes" weren't obstructed by my glasses. I reluctantly agreed. The first day I wore contacts I went right out and got sunglasses. It was then I realized that going out, minus my glasses, made me almost anxious. I felt like people could look right into my eyes and see into my soul. I needed my glasses in order to hide.

Recently I had a conversation with one of my very supportive friends through texting. In my struggle to over come my eating disorder, I've hit a bump. I mustered up the courage to text her and ask for help in the form of encouragement and prayers. As usual, she was wonderful and supportive. But when she encouraged me to talk to someone about it, I told her, "It's just so hard to talk about. That's why I text you instead of call."  Her response hit me right between the eyes (but luckily didn't break my glasses).  "Maybe you need to face it head on instead of hiding behind the phone?  It may help to just really truly talk about it."

It's true. I hide from talking about my problems. I will text or write a letter, but when it comes to verbalizing my feelings face to face, I just can't do it. Actually, I can...I'm physically able to talk. I just don't like to. What am I hiding from?

When I write my feelings are black and white.  I can take as long as I want to think about what I'm going to put in a sentence. And, once that sentence is done, I can change it or totally omit it.  If I get emotional, no one sees. They may sense from my writing that I have intense feelings, but it is emotion with a paper barricade.

Upon further thought on this topic I realize I hide in other ways too. I hide behind the nice, happy, smiling girl. I always try to be the easy friend, wife, mother, daughter, sister.  I let others pick where we eat and what we do. I try to go above and beyond for my friends. I work very hard to make people laugh.  What am I hiding?  I'm hiding the person I see in the mirror...the person who is not always happy and who is so flawed I'm sure no one could possibly like or love her.

I hide behind eating, or rather not eating. Obviously with an eating disorder, food is an issue. With food I'm hiding from feeling out of control. I'm hiding from any feelings that I define as bad. By restricting, I feel like I have the ultimate control.  Having a sad day...that feels out of control, I just won't eat and thus I have ultimate control.  Feeling tired...that feels out of control, I just won't eat and thus I gain back the control.

The thing I'm learning about hiding, is that it is lonely. When you hide you are alone.  When I don't talk to people they can't help me. Even the best of writing lacks pure human emotion and readers can misinterpret the writers feelings. When I hide behind happy girl, I'm not allowing others to know the real me. How can I be a true friend when people don't really know who I am?  When I hide behind food, I miss the opportunity to be human and to experience all the range of emotions. I also fall into the trap that by restricting my eating I have ultimate control. The truth is, I end up being dangerously out of control.

I can't promise this epiphany means no more hiding. I am going to be more mindful of hiding.  The glasses stay, though.  I think I look rather clever in glasses.

Routine: Change isn't always a bad thing!

It's ironic that someone who has had so much change in her life would dislike change. It's just another enigma of my personality.  Since I moved every three or four years as a kid, one would think change would come easy for me. However, I am most comfortable in routine and tradition. For example, we always sit at the same spot around the dinner table. Even when I am home alone, I sit in my spot. Holidays are especially filled with routine and tradition...from food to activities. I just like things to stay the same. One time our old neighborhood expanded and opened a new entrance.  It was much closer for me to get in and out but I just didn't ever remember to use it. I'm such a creature of habit that even a new, quicker, better  route is just beyond my natural ability.
With all that said, therapy is difficult for those that despise change. Therapy is ALL about change.  So when I started meeting with my "superhero" (therapist), I initially felt like I'd never be able to make the changes we discussed. I would make the excuse that it was just too hard. My "superhero" gave me a great visual that helped me accept that even though it is hard, it can be done with perseverance and dedication.
Imagine a sandy hill.  As you stand at the top you roll a marble down the hill. It slowly carves a path in the sand. Each time you roll the marble down that path it goes down the hill easier and easier. It groves the path out. If you want to change the path, it takes some time and effort. The marble naturally wants to take the path that has been worn out and has the least resistance.  With work and redirection and careful attention to following a new path, the marble can change direction.
During my struggle with an eating disorder, I had lots of destructive paths I was sending my marble down.  Each day was very ritualistic.  One path I realized early on that I needed to change was breakfast.  I've never been a huge breakfast eater, but during my struggles with ED I found that by putting breakfast off I could go longer without eating. After talking with my nutritionist, I came to realize that the sooner I eat breakfast after waking up, the better off I am at getting my meals in. This was a hard path to change.  Many morning I woke up and immediately started dreading the fact that I knew I had to eat breakfast sooner than later. Honestly, some mornings I was gagging down breakfast and resenting every bite. However, after lots of perseverance and dedication and hard work, I got my marble to go down a new path.
One rare morning I woke up later than usual due to a free unscheduled Saturday.  As I opened my eyes and lay there enjoying a lazy morning, I realized I was actually hungry. My new path for my marble was ready for its run. So I got up and rolled my marble down its new path on the hill and ate breakfast!  

I Will Survive! Music and Feelings

I love music. I always have and I'm pretty sure I ALWAYS will. I'm not picky about my music. I like music across all ages and genres. From Shostakovich's fifth symphony to Coolio's "Ganster Paradise", classic Beatles or Zeppelin's classic rock, smooth Nat King Cole with big band backup  or Maroon 5's easy on the eyes and ears, Adam Levine; my music taste runs the gauntlet.  I listen to old and new country, disco, rap, Gregorian chanting monks, alternative, church music, Motown, top 20, Broadway musicals, hippie, grunge, hip hop, bluegrass,  rock and roll, soul, folk, Indian Bollywood, oldies, contemporary, and (one of my favorites) movie sound tracks.
The brilliant Leonard Cohen said "Music is the emotional life of most people." That would be a true statement for me.  Music makes me feel all kinds of emotions.  Sometimes music makes me really sad. I've been known to cry a tear or two over a song. Sometimes music makes me happy. Nothing better on a nice sunny day then to roll the windows down, turn the radio up, and sing your heart out to a fast upbeat song that you know ALL of the lyrics.  Sometimes music makes me mad. The beat pumps and the singers voice can't hide frustration, hurt or anger.  I quickly find myself caught up in the rage.  Sometimes music makes me feel brave and invincible.  EYE OF THE TIGER- need I say more? I recently realized I easily allow these feelings to come and go while listening to music (without any thought to blocking them), but as soon as I feel the same feelings because of real life, I push them down and try to suppress them.  Feelings from music start with the song and end with the song. When the song is over, the feeling ends and the next song brings a new feeling.  But with feelings from life, I fear that the feelings (especially ones I label bad or negative) will never end.  However, thanks to my superhero (therapist) I learned that feelings are...well, they are just feelings.  And like the feelings I experience with music, life's feelings come and go.  It's much healthier to feel life's feeling.  Let them wash over you. Then once you've felt them, let the feelings end...just like with a song!  So, I know what some of you are thinking.  "I don't want to feel certain feelings."   Well, I hear you!  Really I do!

I had another change in thought about feelings while I was...you guessed it...listening to music!  I was listening to one of my favorite soundtracks.  It's all instrumental.  I've never even seen the movie, but I love the music simply for the music.  It is beautiful. I was listening to it and just really letting the feelings of the music wash over me...happy, intense, peaceful, sad, thoughtful, even a little scary. Now, if that sound track only had happy songs it would be kind of boring. The highs and lows, the crescendos and decrescendos, the major and minor keys, the slow, sweet, solo flute or the haunting strings all gliding together through the arrangement...these all give the music different emotion which makes the soundtrack fuller and richer.  So it is with life.  Feeling  happiness all the time is not only boring and pretty much impossible, but it also takes the richness out of our life's soundtrack.   The great psychotherapist Carl Jung wisely stated, " Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity."  

A few weeks ago I heard a song that I'd always liked. However, because of my struggle to overcome an eating disorder, the lyrics took on a new meaning to me.  The feelings this song gave me were no longer the happy go lucky feelings of a girl who didn't really relate to the song. The song now makes me feel strong and empowered.  I dedicate this next song to E.D.

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
And so you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
With that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with "your lies" (lyric modification)
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive
I will survive (hey-hey)

It took all the strength I had
Not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend
The pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
And you see me
Somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
Still in "need of" you
And so you felt like dropping in
And just expect me to be free
And now I'm saving all my loving
For someone who's loving me

Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with "your lies"
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
Oh as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive
I will survive

Next time you listen to music be mindful of the feelings it brings over you.   Acknowledge them and watch them fade away with the ending of one song and beginning of another. Then next time you feel a strong feeling from life...let it come. Be mindful and wait for that "song" in your life to end.   If the feelings are unpleasant or uncomfortable, remember a happy song is always coming up soon on the playlist of life. You will survive!  Hey-Hey!

SUPERHERO

Everyone loves a Superhero!  But not all superheroes are alike. Not all superheroes wear brightly colored tights and a satin cape. My superhero wears sassy boots and smartly tailored clothes. Not all superheroes fly off into the night sky to a dramatic soundtrack. My superhero drives off into the sunset in a sensible car while listening to her "secret" soundtrack of choice...disco.  Not all superheroes have X-ray vision for added sight ability or laser vision to melt things. My superhero wears chic glasses but they don't help her see through steal plated bank vaults. It is her heart and talents that help her see right through people and sense their moods and feelings. Not all superheroes have a secret lair.  My superhero's secret lair is cleverly disguised as a comfy office... complete with plush couches, throw rugs, a snoring bulldog named Lilly, and a warm inviting atmosphere that welcomes everyone.  Not all superheros have a sidekick. My superhero doesn't have a sidekick, she has a whole team of sidekicks! Her team is friendly and personable. Her team is one of her ultimate super powers!  Not all superheroes defeat villains after listening to long monologues full of self incriminating admissions. Not all superheroes finish off the bad guy with a POW! or WHAM!  But all superheroes save people...including my superhero.
My superhero DOES have a villain, one she's been fighting for a long time. Although she's never laid eyes this villain she knows his M.O.   She has studied his tricks and traps and has gathered many eye witness accounts from his victims.  She is not tricked by his shifty ways. She knows the damage and destruction that he is capable of and works tirelessly to provide citizens of this great city with a fully armed tool belt to defeat him.  Because she's never met him face to face, there is no dramatic POW! or WHAM! as she fights him.  However, I don't doubt for one minute that if she ran into him on the street she wouldn't hesitate to hit him with an uppercut or left hook to the jaw!  Besides, my superhero delivers plenty of figurative POW!s and WHAM!s to her fierce foe.  She fights the villain known as ED-eating disorder. ED tricked me. He made me believe he was my friend, a good guy, on my side. But while I was distracted with his rules and lengthy monologues, he trapped me. I found myself so ensnared that I couldn't get out and I was on my way to certain doom and destruction. But with a cry for help, my superhero came flying in to my rescue. She freed me from the trap and gave me tools to fight that dastardly villain ED now and next time he tries to ensnare me.
Once as I sat in her "secret lair", a mother and daughter walked in. The mothers face read like a book; uncertainty, fear, worry, anxiety. I wanted to reach over and hold her hand and tell her she and her daughter would be ok. After all, they were in the capable hands of a superhero! Some people might call her a therapist, but she will always be my superhero.  (Insert disco soundtrack here!)

This Chick

When it's time to hatch, the little chick faces its first adversity.  Breaking out of its protective shell of 21 days is no small task.  The little chick works and struggles. Finally, it's free. However difficult the challenge is to leave its safe haven of a shell behind, any aid or assistance only weakens the chick. It must overcome this obstacle on its own in order to become strong and healthy.

In our own lives we too face adversities, struggles, challenges, and obstacles. Sometimes we face these with others. But often we face them by ourselves.  It is during these times we are truly tested.

As I have struggled to overcome my eating disorder, I've pondered extensively the age old question, "Why me?"  I've felt punished. I've felt abandoned. I've felt alone. I've felt very afraid.  But recently I was reminded of how a little chick must struggle to free itself from the shell or risk weakness and death if anyone intervenes.  I thought of other animals that have similar struggles...sea turtles, butterflies...humans.

Despite always loving my Heavenly Father, I found myself feeling almost betrayed or abandoned by Him. Why me?  Why was I cursed with this horrible affliction?  I try to do what's right and live a good Christ-like life. I'm not perfect, but I do try. So, why saddle me with this burden I feel is too much to bear?

I thought of the story from the book of Mark in the New Testament. Jesus and His disciples were out on a boat. The Savior fell asleep and a large powerful storm came. The disciples were very scared.  They felt the ship was sure to be swallowed by the angry waves, yet the Savior slept on. They waited till they felt they could wait no longer and then woke the Savior and questioned "Carest thou not that we perish?"

I often echoed their same sentiment.  Didn't my Father care this illness was destroying me?  Then, I was reminded of the chick, and a light bulb clicked on in my head. This realization completely changed the way I looked at my eating disorder. I wasn't a victim. I was given a challenge.   James E Faust said, "Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful. The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength. For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process."

I'm done feeling victimized.  No longer do I feel punished. This is my challenge and I will rise to it!  I am not alone.  Just like the Savior calmed the sea for His frightened disciples, I know when I've learned the lesson I'm supposed to learn, I will have calm waters ahead.  This chick is busting out of her shell with more "faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength"!

Letting it Go! How I relate to Frozen

How I Relate to Frozen

I have always loved all things Disney.  However, it has been a long time since I really connected to a Disney princess movie. So I was totally unprepared for the strong emotional connection I felt as I sat in the theater with my family and saw Frozen for the first time.  Watching Elsa struggle was like looking in a mirror. Let me explain. 

At the beginning Elsa struggles to understand this unusual power that she has to freeze.  She is scared and is told to repress her feelings, and hide away so her power isn't revealed.  Meanwhile, Elsa's younger sister Anna doesn't understand why her sister has shut herself away from the world. Anna begs and pleads for Elsa to come out. You can feel the pain and anguish as time after time, Elsa sends her sister away.  Then her first time out in public, Elsa's power to freeze is reviled when a dispute with Anna causes Elsa to lose control. All her years of trying to control it and hold it in were in vain.  Elsa runs away in terror, fear, and shame.  The frozen mountain tops become her refuge and Elsa pours out her heart in the amazing song, "Let It Go". She sings about being isolated and lonely. She sings about rules and the pressure to be perfect.  She sings about trying to hide her powers and not feel.  Elsa sees that the rules and fear that have controlled her entire life no longer exist.  She is free!  Of course, this can't be the end. Anna is desperate to find Elsa and bring her home.  Plus, when Elsa lashed out with her power it covered the entire kingdom in a deep winter.  Anna finds Elsa, but Elsa doesn't want to return.  Anna explains that she needs Elsa's help to end the winter curse.  Elsa eventually ends up returning and the love between Anna and Elsa ends up saving the day. 

Obviously I do not have the power to freeze things. But I do have another power. I have amazing will power. I'm sure some of you are thinking that this isn't a dangerous power like freezing stuff. Well, like Elsa, I found my power used in a very scary way.  I have an eating disorder. Like Elsa, this power scared me and I knew it had the potential to hurt those I love as well as being harmful to me. I tried to conceal, don't feel. I tried to control my power and I wouldn't let anyone know about my "power" or sickness.   I accepted that this was just the way I was and accepted my difference.  I was controlled by rules and a desire to be perceived as perfect.  Like Elsa, I couldn't hold it in forever. My careful control of my power crumbled and I found myself feeling like I needed to hide.  So, I hid.  Not out of plain sight, I hid inside my mind. I emotionally withdrew. My control spiraled totally out of control.  My children, only aware that I was behaving differently, begged me to come out of my "exile". My family and friends could see I was not myself. I turned people away.  I didn't want to hurt them.  I didn't want anyone to know.  But, people were noticing as my eating disorder took control of my life. I was no longer the perfect girl I tried to present.  I tried to run and hide but loving family and friends as well as a great therapist helped me understand my power. My strong will could be used to overcome the eating disorder that had me trapped. I learned that it's ok to feel. I learned to ignore the rules of my eating disorder. I was taught that my powers are beautiful and unique to me.  I learned that hiding doesn't help, I need people. 

My perfect ending hasn't come yet. Honestly, I doubt Elsa's fairy tale ending was instant. Overcoming an eating disorder and years of self-shame and not understanding yourself takes time, patience, and lots of support and understanding.   Its not easy to let go!  However, now that I know my power I plan to use it for good. I'm learning to let go of the past. No more  perfect girl. No more keeping it in.  So let the storm (life) rage on. The cold never bothered me anyway.