Master or Servant

I've been biting my nail for as long as I can remember. But when I am in the clutches of my eating disorder, I stop biting my nails. I thought about this a lot last week when I realized I was biting my nails again. Automatically I started getting down on myself. I got frustrated with myself and my inability to stop this bad habit.  I questioned why I was so strong when I gave into the eating disorder.  I also felt more driven, more motivated, and more powerful. I would feel like I had ultimate mastery over my eating, exercising, and emotion.  AND fingernail chewing!

So my therapist, Landry was teaching me about another useful tool referred to as "ABC Please".   The B stands for "build mastery".  The concept is, as you build mastery you gain confidence and confidence helps you when you experience emotional struggles.  I mentioned my nail chewing habit and how I felt like I could master or conquer that habit when I had an eating disorder, but when I start to recover I go back to biting my nails.  She asked me to tell her more. Then I admitted with a shameful hung head that I felt so strong and powerful when I gave into the eating disorder. Plus, I admitted that I miss that feeling. Landry assured me these feelings were normal. After all, an eating disorder was my minds way to best handle life.  It just has horrible (and deadly) side effects, which mean we have to learn new ways to deal with life.

We talked more about why an eating disorder gives us the illusion of power and strength. No discussion on this topic can occur with out pointing out that the power, strength, and mastery one feels while struggling with an eating disorder is nothing more than an illusion. It's the disorder with the power. Rosalind didn't have power and strength and mastery. I wasn't the master. I was the servant.  Then Landry asked me a very pointed, direct question.  "Can Rosalind build mastery?"  All week I could only think about how hard things are without my eating disorder. Yet, this one question made me reevaluate how I had been viewing things. Look at all I have done as the master. I've been exercising consistently AND sensibly with out an eating disorder driving and ordering me to exercise multiple times a day.   I have almost completely taken over control of my food intake and no longer listen to the restricting commands from the eating disorder.   I am working on understanding and mastering my emotions.  I've overcome fears and doubts and anxieties. None of that as a servant to an eating disorder. I'm doing these things, these often very hard things, as the master to myself!

There are lots of things in life that can become our master...food, job, fashion, exercise, our kids...the list can go on and on. It's up to us to stand up and demand freedom. It's time to become masters of ourselves and no longer allow things and people to in prison us.  Only we can build true mastery to make us stronger and mentally healthier people.  Who are you?  Master or servant?