Recovery Ain't Easy

So my last post was a bit on the gloomy side. But if this blog is going to be honest, it's important to be honest about recovery. The truth is, recovery ain't easy!

When I finally decided to seek help in over coming my eating disorder, I naïvely thought I'd be over it and done in a month or two. Of course, that was unrealistic. However, I sit here almost a year after I started my journey to recovery and feel very tired. Once more, for the sake of honesty, I'm so tired I feel like giving up. Don't go getting crazy people...I said feel like giving up, not I AM giving up. But I am tired. I feel weak and the ED voice is taking advantage of this exhausted state.  

A huge blessing in my life these last few months has been my mentor, Jess. I've never met this amazing lady, I've never heard her voice, she lives on a whole different continent on the other side of the world. However, she has become my coach and cheering squad. She knows this "game" well because she's been in my place before. After confessing to her that my fatigue and exhaustion in recovery was overwhelming me she wrote these reassuring words, "It's ok to rest. It's ok to not be ok. This is part of recovery...Sometimes it feels easier to give in but in the long run, we know that not to be true. You deserve a life and you deserve to be happy...Although you feel tired and weak, I have seen your strength. I have witnessed your courage to talk back to ed and to draw strength from yourself and others around you."  And here is my favorite line, "I will hold onto your strength while you rest for now."

I can't properly describe the feelings of peace and comfort that flooded over me as I read these and other words of encouragement in her letter. It's ok to not be ok!  I literally felt the weight on my shoulders lightened. I can rest from this!  When the exhaustion and fatigue pass...because it will, my friend and mentor Jess will be there with my strength and hand it back over to me so I can finish my difficult journey to recovery.

Stockholm Syndrome in San Antonio.

In 1971, several bank employees in Stockholm, Sweden were held hostage in a vault for six days. During this time they became very emotionally attached to their captors. This became known as the "Stockholm Syndrome".   This syndrome is basically bonding through trauma. One way to describe Stockholm Syndrome is "strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other."  The victims sympathetic and positive feelings towards their tormentors is hard to understand and considered extremely irrational considering the danger they are put through.  Unfortunately, I completely relate.

My captor held me hostage for a long time. He relentlessly belittled me and put me down. He pulled me into an isolated world of just us. He controlled everything. He drastically limited what I ate and demanded excessive physical exercise. But somewhere in this dark tangled web I began to rely on my captor. It was us verses the world. He told me he was making me strong and I believed him. His rules and requirements became part of my life and I felt purpose and meaning through them. I felt strong. And ironically, I felt in control.

I know this next statement will be very hard for most of you to understand. I miss my eating disorder. I miss his voice, his rules, his plan.  He isn't all the way gone but he's not a constant in my life. Some days I get so tired of fighting the battle to recover that I long for my days as a hostage to my eating disorder. It seems easier, more comfortable, and safer.  Even as these thoughts pour out into words on a page, part of me sees the flaw in this.  But for now, it is what it is and I remain Stockholm Syndrome in San Antonio.