Am I recovered?

There was a hopeless period in my struggle with an eating disorder when I felt like recovery was not possible. I honestly felt like there was no way I would ever stop having disordered thoughts. I would read about recovery, listen to people talk about their recovery, but never believed it was something that could happen to me. Even saying the word "recovery" felt bitter and false in my mouth. 

But something exciting and hopeful has happened in the last several months!  I find myself thinking about recovery as something I'm actually working on and climbing into. After my last therapy session I walked out of the building and all the sudden had the strongest urge to shout out for the world to hear, "I'M RECOVERING!"  Since I've been well trained by my amazing therapist to think and wonder about my thoughts, I realized the dramatic paradigm change and decided I should investigate. 

After lots of pondering on this topic I realized I completely changed my thinking on what recovery "looks" like. When I first started working on beating my eating disorder I thought recovery was never having another disordered thought about eating...never, ever again! So anytime I'd have those thoughts I would become discouraged and frustrated with myself. It was like three steps forward, two steps back. Progress was being made but I was so disheartened.  After realizing this, my therapist taught me that my thoughts are not me and I don't have to act on them. She told me that when she sees big stacked displays at the grocery store she always thinks about knocking them over, but that doesn't mean she does it. (Which painted such a funny picture in my mind of my sweet calm therapist running through a store like a one man demolition team destroying the huge towering displays of boxed soda or paper towels.  The visual still makes me smile!) 

That's when I knew that my thoughts might never change. Eating might always cause certain feelings, anxiety, and disordered thoughts...under certain circumstances. However, I could learn to deal with those thoughts without giving into them.  This was easier to understand than to accept. For many weeks I feel like I mourned the demise of my unrealistic view of what recovery was. I felt overwhelmed by the thought of having the eating disorder in my head for the rest of my life. But slowly a new picture of recovery was coming into focus in my mind. 

And then, another big change happened. One day I realized I had not thought about my eating disorder in a long time.  Maybe it had even been a whole week!  The thing about an eating disorder is it completely takes over your brain. It's 24/7 on your mind. At my worst it was almost debilitating. I literally had so little room for other thoughts in my mind that I felt like a recluse, although I was surrounded by people. As I worked on overcoming my eating disorder my mind vastly opened up, but IT was still there occupying it's little corner of my mind. Lately, I guess my eating disorder has been taking vacations. (That's fine by me!) I notice more frequent periods of time when I don't think about it. This has given me a new prospect on what recovery feels like. 

The final difference in my view on recovery is actually a huge change in my thinking about everything. Another trick eating disorders play on your mind is it makes you color blind. Everything is black and white. You are fat or you are skinny. You are pigging out or you are eating nothing. You are weighing every day or you can't weigh at all. You eat one or you eat all. You are the happiest you've ever been or you are in the depths of despair.  You are worth it or you are worthless. You are loved or you are hated. You have lots of support or you are completely alone. I could go on. Black and white thinking is dangerous. It's another trap eating disorders use to keep you from recovery. However, as I worked with my therapist and as I did the work to take back control of my mind I started seeing colors again.  All the sudden my black and white thinking about recovery was being challenged. Either you never have another disordered thought again (recovered) or you can only think disordered thoughts (not recovered).  I realized the fallacy in that thought. I saw some purple where I might still struggle with social eating but still go out to eat with friends. I saw some red where I am having a stressful day but still take care of my nutritional needs. I see some green when I listen to my body and feed it when it's hungry and stop when it's full. The whole rainbow of colors is there!

I used to avoid the word recovery. Now, I find it often bouncing around in my mind. I find it more on the tip of my tongue and it tastes a lot sweeter now.  I shared with my mentor about my changes in my thoughts on recovery and her response really rang true to me. "I have come to know that recovery is nothing tangible - it’s a process of growth, transformation, and self discovery. We can’t articulate it for anybody else and we only know what it means to us through our own unique felt sense of moving through it."  I'm grateful for my new, hard earned understanding. I'm extra grateful to feel like I'm now on the path of recovery.  Am I recovered?  Finished?  Done?  No, and I'm ok with that.  I'm still working, learning, and progressing.  I don't think I ever want to stop moving forward. I'm not recovered...I'm recovering. And it feels great!

Cotton & Sandpaper

Monday evenings are reserved as a family night that we call Family Home Evening (FHE). On this night we might have a spiritual  lesson, or focus on something we can improve on as a family, or just do something fun together.  I'm always looking for great ideas that I feel will help our family grow closer and be better people.  I just happened across an idea that I knew I needed to share with my family. I collected supplies and was so excited for the lesson. 

My three kids range in ages from 8 to 13. They are pretty good kids, but as a family we can improve with how we talk to each other. So this  particular night for FHE, I focused on that. I gave each person a cotton ball. I asked them to rub it on their cheek and describe how it felt. "Soft" and its many synonyms were listed!  Then I gave them a little square of sandpaper. I asked them to rub it on their cheek and describe how it felt. Rough was the first word they all thought of. I then told them our words are either like cotton or sandpaper.  Then we brainstormed words that are soft cotton ball words and words that are harsh sandpaper words. They really got it. We each made a card to put somewhere as a daily reminder to help us remember to use cotton ball words with each other.  Although this was several weeks ago, my children still are reminding family members to use cotton ball words!  

I was pretty pleased with the lesson. However, in an off moment I caught myself using sandpaper words with myself. That's one aspect of eating disorders that is so hard to over-come...the negative self talk. I think I've always been hard on myself, but once ED took over, it got completely vicious. But, after our FHE lesson, I started being more aware of my internal self communication. I noticed I used a plethora of sandpaper words and started working hard to soften the way I thought about myself. It's a work in progress and there are still sandpaper moments, but I'm working.  

Proverbs 16:24 says, "pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones". This is true with friends, family, and with how we think and communicate internally with ourselves. So throw out those sandpaper words and fill the world with cotton ball words!  It will truly be "sweet to the soul"!  

Recovery Honeymoon

The past month has been a great month for me regarding recovery. I've gone long periods of time with out even thinking about having an eating disorder. I realized that I completely stopped following one of ED's rules after not doing it for three weeks. I just didn't do it one day! No planning, no thought, NO ANXIETY!  (I also didn't even realize how significant an event this was for over two weeks!) For the first time, I'm thinking recovery is really possible and I can totally do this!  

This doesn't mean smooth sailing, and I'm actually ok about that.  It's life!  Tragic national headlines this month kind of hit me like a punch in the gut. I felt very sad and overwhelmed. But I reached out and asked my therapist for help. And of course, she gave me great advice and encouragement.  I made adjustments and kept on rolling!

I've been thinking a lot about where I am in recovery. I've decided to call this stage the "honeymoon" stage of recovery. Just like a newly married couple, each life event, holiday, and experience is "new". (Let me tell you, my first college football season as a new bride was a real eye opener!)  Recovery is the same way!  Experiencing life with out an eating disorder is a learning experience. First family reunion...first summer vacation...first Christmas.  Sometimes these events don't even slow me down. But if I do hit any bumps I'm getting good at asking for help and support.  

As I left my monthly visit with my therapist today, I was feeling so great!  Fighting ED has been the hardest thing I've ever done. I am proud of the hard work I've done to get to this point. I felt like shouting out loud!  "I'm recovering!!!!"  But since it's the "honeymoon" stage, maybe I should decorate my car with tin cans dragging behind, and big painted letters on the back that say "just recovered!", and hearts on all my windows!  I think recovery and I have a long promising future together!