The last several weeks I've been thinking about love quite a bit. (And not just because it was just Valentine's Day!) The reason it's been on my mind is because I feel like I'm at a point in my progression in overcoming my eating disorder that I need to address a hard issue that I've been putting off for a while. As I was talking to my therapist about being authentic and kindly accepting my imperfections the topic of self-compassion came up.
It's important that I interject a bit of my history at this point. I was raised in a very kind and loving family. I never doubted my parents love for me. Sure, I got in trouble sometimes, but discipline was always followed with an out pouring of love. Still to this day I count my parents love for me as one of my greatest pillars of strength. I was also raised in a very religious home. I bet I can count the number of Sunday's I missed church in my childhood on one hand! I'm grateful for my spiritual education of a kind loving Heavenly Father, and of an equally loving and self sacrificing Savior, Jesus Christ.
Despite all this love - somewhere along the way I started to feel flawed and very unworthy of it all. My self image tumbled to some pretty low lows. I became caught up in personal perfectionism. I began to hold myself up to unrealistic expectations in areas of my life. I wasn't an over achiever, I was a self loather. Working hard to achieve a goal can get you places. Self loathing only holds you back.
So once I went out into the big wide world (AKA - college) I started to really struggle. Although my family still loved me and I still was attending church, I began to believe the hateful perfectionist voice in my head. That is when I first began to experience serious disordered thoughts about my body, food, and eating.
Now, more than 20 years later, I am successfully learning to battle those disorders thoughts! But some things are hard for me to understand. How do you show self-compassion? As I was talking with my therapist I asked her, "How do you love yourself?" Her response was simple yet a huge awakening to me. She said, that my self-talk should be the same as how I talk to my friends and loved ones. Makes logical sense, but is a bit harder to implement. For example, if a friend said "I think I gained ten pounds on vacation!" I'd say, "No! You look great! Maybe you just need to move around a bit and you'll feel better. Let's go walking every morning this week!" But, if in my mind I think to myself, "My clothes are all tight,have I gained weight?" My self reply is not very gentle, "You are a fat slob! Why don't you have more control. Get your lazy butt up and exercise until you look as thin as a model! I'm sick of looking at this image in the mirror! That's it! No more eating for you till you learn to control pig like urges!" I would never in a million years talk to a friend or family member like that!
That brings me back to my past few weeks contemplating love. What is love? How do I show love? How do I feel loved? Why should I love myself? What is the greatest love of all? That last question is easy...I'm a child of the 80's and Whitney Houston answered that question.
"Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me"
Self-compassion isn't an easy thing for me. I am my worst critic. However, I'm trying to take it one step at a time. I'm trying to practice "the greatest love of all". I'm trying to be gentle with myself, even when I miss opportunities to practice self-compassion. I'm trying to learn from my mistakes in that regard as well. Christopher Germer said, "A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life." That is my goal; to practice self-compassion in the moment, and collecting those moments to change my life!
Singing it Whitney!
"Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all"
