I was recently asked to speak to women at my church about the subject of guilt. I really enjoyed delving into this topic. The one thing I didn't want to do was to paint guilt as a horrible thing that we should never feel. So the whole point of my talk was using guilt to grow and become a better person.
One important clarification I needed to make was the difference between guilt and shame. They are very different. The first time I thought about the differences between these two words was while reading a book by the amazingly, talented Brené Brown. Brown says, "Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is 'I'm bad'. Guilt is 'I did something bad.'" To put it bluntly, "Shame is soul eating emotion."(Carl Jung)
Some might think it's just semantics, but I feel very strongly that these two words are very different. I believe when we understand that difference and apply it in our lives it is critical in how we engage in relationships, parent, interact with people at work and church. By understanding these two different concepts we can better identify thoughts and work on keeping ourselves positive and open. Let's take a look at a perfect example of how guilt can build us up and shame can destroy us.
Guilt, if used as a way to adjust ones behavior to ones moral compass can lead us to the bright redemption of Christ. Shame, on the other hand, leads us to believe we are beyond help and this leads us down the dark steep path to Satan. In the Bible, Jesus is betrayed by two apostles; Judas and Peter. Each man handles his actions differently. Judas experiences shame. He was so ashamed of what he did he couldn't see any way to redeem his soul of his action. Because of his shame, Judas was driven to commit suicide. Peter on the other hand, felt guilt for what he did. Peter chose to turn to the cleansing power of the atonement of Jesus Christ. He used his guilt as a tool to learn and rebuild verses shame as a tool to destroy and give up. If Peter had allowed his guilt to turn to shame, think about how different thing would have turned out!
Guilt vs shame is a very real battle. Brown mentions an interesting point, "Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, and eating disorders....Guilt is inversely correlated with those things." As I work to recover from an eating disorder. I see how helpful guilt can be, and how counterproductive and destructive shame can be. Shame is what kept me hidden and prevented me from getting help. It was guilt that motivated me to finally get help. Shame tells me I'm a horrible mother because of my eating disorder. Guilt tells me because I'm a good mother I must fight the eating disorder. Shame tells me I don't need to eat. Guilt tells me my body needs nourishment to be healthy. Shame tells me no one cares about my problems. Guilt tells me not to shut my loved ones out. When I let shame dictate my behavior in regards to my eating disorder, I end up dis- regulated, unhappy, lonely, and dark. Guilt, on the other hand, leads me to willingly take the steps of recovery, hopeful, willing to make restitution, and confident.
I must issue a warning - guilt is still hard. Just because guilt is the right way to handle our actions that don't line up with our moral compass doesn't mean it's easy. Brown says, "The ability to hold something we've done, or failed to do, up against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive. It's uncomfortable, but adaptive." Uncomfortable might be an understatement in some cases. Think of how hard it must have been for Paul to face the Saints after denying Christ. But look at how Paul used his guilt to grow and adapt into the leader of Christ's church. Visiting with my therapist can be very uncomfortable, but as I learn tools and skills to overcome the eating disorder I am growing stronger and adapting.
Next time you make a mistake or upset your moral compass, ask yourself if you feel guilt or shame. Pick the right path to bring you towards where you want to be. Resolve to use guilty feelings as a tool for improvement and growth, instead of a gateway to shame and hopelessness.
