Things have been going really well. I've felt strong, healthy, and making good progress. After a great week of family vacation, I met with my therapist for my monthly appointment. My one concern that I wanted to discuss is that spring and summer are just around the corner. The last two years, these weren't good times for me AT ALL! So I expressed this to my therapist. She validated my concern but then basically told me I need to trust myself more and not panic every time I sense disordered thoughts about eating on the horizon. She reminded me AGAIN of how far I've come and how much more I know now. Then she said "recovery doesn't mean never having eating disordered thoughts it means never doing what those thoughts tell you." She called this radical abstinence.
Cue anxiety! Literally right there in her office, I felt my heart stop and my breathing tightened. NEVER GIVE INTO ANOTHER DISORDERED THOUGHT ABOUT EATING?!?! NEVER? Don't get me wrong. I don't want to go back to where I was. Honestly though, I just felt like I could keep my eating disorder in my back pocket. You know, just in case I need it. When asked what I would need it for I wasn't exactly sure. I guess I feel like I might need it in case something comes up and I can't handle it with out my eating disorder.
The more I thought about giving it up...taking it out of my pocket and throwing it away for good...the more anxious and emotional I became. I know this doesn't make sense. So I kept trying to think of how I could explain it to others.
An eating disorder is like a rope. When the hike through life's mountains gets rough and tough I hold on tight to the rope. No matter what, if I hold on to the rope I can't fall down the mountainside! The rope keeps me from crashing into the rocks below. But there is a catch - the end of the rope is tied around my neck in a noose. So the rope helps me survive as long as I'm holding on to it but also has the potential to kill me if I get tired or lose control of my grip on the rope. I'm pretty fond of my rope - not the noose part of course. I am really scared to let it go and not use it. It's helped me at times when I felt I had nothing else available. However, now I have other tools (things I've learned in therapy) available. I'm not really great at using them, and most of them are untested in a big crisis. Even if these tools don't work, I've learned that I also have a safety net (family and friends who love me) below. But my rope is always right here. I know how to use it. It's familiar. It's comforting. It is close...albeit too close.
So this is where I'm at. I think the reason I get so anxious about any sign of eating disordered thoughts is because I know I'm keeping my eating disorder in my back pocket. I haven't thrown out the rope...I'm letting it dangle just within reach. Because of this, these thoughts aren't just passing through my mind. They are still very convenient to use.
I know what I should do. I know what I need to do. None of this knowledge changes the fact that I've grown comfortable with my rope and am scared to give it up. This one is going to take some time, some thought, some discomfort, some prayer, and a big huge dose of faith.
