It is still amazing to me how ED (eating disorder) finds the perfect time to jump in my head. I had an interesting successful use of my recovery tools today.
My son started out yesterday with a headache before school. I brought him home to try and sleep it off so he could maybe still go to field day. It kept getting worse and worse. He started throwing up. By 4:30 I was really worried. He was in excruciating pain. I took him to a med clinic and waited over two hours to be seen. They never gave him any thing for pain. They tested his urine and said he was dehydrated and had high levels of ketones. The doc told me he wasn't eating enough - so his body was breaking down fat causing the ketones in his urine. They said I should go home and hydrate him. When I asked about an IV they said, "Well we can try to get an IV in him but if we can take him to the ER." This was over three hours after I walked into the clinic and nothing had been done. I was not happy with the care he was receiving and I was trying to be assertive. But I was also alone with a sick kid. I finally had enough and told them we were just leaving. Then my husband showed up. We were going to take him to the ER. But he begged us to just take him home. I stayed up all night keeping medicine in him and encouraging him to drink. (They did give him ZOFRAN for nausea at the clinic and so he was finally able to keep stuff down.) I took him to his doctor this morning. They ordered a series of blood work but one of them had to be done fasting so I will take him in the morning so he only has to be stuck once. They want to check on his blood sugar levels. We will know next week what those tests tell us.
So, where was ED and when did I use tools? Well after we left the lab today I kept hearing the doctor from last night saying over and over in my mind "He's not eating enough!" I started to feel very anxious and question if I was feeding him enough. I started to feel very guilty and then I started to think about how much I hate food. I was totally full of loathing for food! I was so angry at myself. I felt like I was a horrible parent. All my effort to teach my children to be healthy eaters was wrong. I was obviously starving them. Then all the sudden I heard my therapists voice. "I wonder why you are thinking this?" So I did a little evaluation and of course I realized I was very tired from lack of sleep last night and a stressful day yesterday. ED - that sneaky villain! I had even thought about skipping meals and everything today. I hated food! I was so mad at food and at myself. But after I was able to wonder why I was having disordered thoughts and finding a reason for them, I committed to eat healthy and not skip any meals. I also reached out for help and talked to my mom. She assured me my son is a good eater and that I was not doing anything wrong in regards to the food I prepare for my kids. I'm still tired but I'm very proud I was able to stop myself from the extreme thinking and to understand why I was struggling with disordered thoughts. Sorry I hated you food!
