The Recovery Roller Coaster

My favorite roller coaster of all times is Rockin' Roller Coaster at DisneyWorld. But I'm actually not too picky when it comes to roller coasters...as long as they don't go backwards!  (That always makes me sick!) I love the ups and downs!  Nothing is more climatic than the "clink clink clink" of the motor chain pulling you up a big steep hill.  I love the adrenaline rush of the free falling feeling of a big drop. But there is one roller coaster ride that really causes me frustration...the recovery roller coaster. 

Recovery can feel like climbing (or more like clawing) your way out of a pit. There is no chain or rope or motor pulling you out and up.  You learn some tools and you fight and work for every inch. But, just like a roller coaster when you get to a high point, it's usually followed by a twisty drop. These drops don't come with breath taking adrenaline rushes. These drops come with frustration, anxiety, and exhaustion.  (And then you are left working to get back up top again!)

Over the past couple weeks I've been evaluating my annual progress. I sat down with my therapist and shared with her my list of all that I had learned from her in the last year. Then I shared with her the things I still wanted to work on. We had a great session and talked about ways I can conquer the problems I still face. As I left her office, I was feeling happy, strong, in control, and riding high above the deep dark pit of my eating disorder.  I know that often highs can be followed by lows but it still always seems to sneak up on me!  

So, by the next day I wasn't feeling so happy, strong, or in control any more. All day long, I was distracted and had a hard time concentrating. I felt down and blue.  Then came the symptoms of anxiety. My stomach started to feel nervous. My heart beats faster. My chest and shoulders and arms feel tight. And next thing you know I start to panic because I'm panicking. I hate feeling this way. ED totally takes advantage during the time I'm feeling down.  I long for the "comfort" I get from restricting what I eat. Worst of all, ED starts in on my imperfections and flaws and also starts getting bossy. 

So a few days were not pleasant or fun. It was discouraging, exhausting, and depressing. However, I did what I had been taught to do. I reached out for help. I still have to do the work to pull myself back up all by myself.  The thing is, help means I'm not alone. Help means moral support.  Also (and most importantly), I fought back. I woke up after a feeling so down and decided that day was going to be better. I'm not going to lie and say it was perfect smooth fun carnival ride after that decision. I still had ED in my head. I still had to make very deliberate choices to eat. I still had to work through some anxiety.  But I dusted myself off and started back up to the top of the recovery roller coaster. I know I can't ride at the highest peaks forever.  However, when I come down those drops, I can continue to work hard to get back on top!

All I really need to know about recovery I learned from Landry

When I was in high school a very popular book was published called "All I Really need to know I learned in Kindergarten". It was a huge success and spun off several copycat books and poems. Here's my version!

"All I Really Need to Know About Recovery I Learned from Landry"

Landry is the second therapist I worked with on my journey to overcome my eating disorder. My first therapist taught me a lot about eating disorders and helped me learn to trust in sharing my struggles with a therapist.   I also learned a few tricks and tools.  However, after working with her for only five short months, my family moved half way across the country and for eight hectic, crazy months I tried my best to deal with my challenges with out a therapist. It was too much and I completely hit rock bottom. It was a scary time. I decided to give up on recovery. 

Thank goodness for family and friends who all but pushed me into the capable hands of Landry at the Eating Disorder Recovery Center of San Antonio.  Our first meeting she taught me my first important lesson. After honestly telling her I no longer had a desire to work toward recovery, Landry matter of factly told me there was not much she could do to help me, if I didn't want help. She also reminded me of the reasons why recovery was worth it. I was in such a grim place but that one session shed the slightest sliver of light in my darkened mind and allowed the smallest prickle of hope to touch my heart. It also made a huge changed in my thoughts about recovery. It made me realize that no matter which therapist I worked with, no matter what challenges I faced, no matter how much I turned to others for help, no matter how much my family and friends loved me and worried, recovery is on ME!  It is my choice, it is my job!

So I took Landry's challenge and I decided to work.  Work is exactly what we did. Most of our beginning sessions were more like classes. Landry taught me all about dialectic behavior therapy (DBT). (I joking told my husband it was diabolical behavior therapy!)  After sharing certain struggles I had encountered during the week, Landry would be prepared with tools and tricks to overcome them. With dry erase marker in hand, she'd explain to me on her little white board how I could use these tools. Some sessions I'd leave and think, there is no way I can remember all that!  But each week I'd find myself remembering portions that I'd try hard to apply when I hit rough patches.  The tools worked!

Despite all this training, some challenges still completely overwhelmed me.  Landry wasn't just there for me during my once a week session. She encouraged me to call or text her ANYTIME I needed her. It took me a while to feel comfortable doing this. I felt guilty for contacting her, especially during times I knew she wasn't at the office. But the few times I've reached out to her, when I really felt helpless, she would reassure me and remind me of a tool to use to take care of the issue.  She never solved my problem, but helped me remember how to fix it myself.  Knowing she will always be there has given me the courage to be a bit more daring, to try new things or hard things.  I know if I fail or get anxious, she's just a text or call away with reassurance and helpful tools to fix the problem. 

As I have progressed in my use of the many tools Landry taught me, our sessions became less of a classroom environment and more of a "heart to heart". Although Landry still teaches me something new every time, our sessions build me up with determination and confidence. It's been during these "heart to heart" meetings that Landry has instilled in me one of my most valuable tools...to wonder. When I tell her about challenges I'm working on, at some point in our discussion she almost always says something like "I think you can just wonder why you are having those thoughts."  It's funny that such a little thing like "wondering" would become such a big step in my recovery. Instead of getting all worked up and beating myself up over eating disordered thoughts, I've learned to think about why I'm thinking those thoughts without judging them or myself and then just letting them go. My thoughts are not me!  My thoughts do not mean I have to act on them. Usually I can figure out why I'm thinking those thoughts and then address that with a tool Landry taught me about. 

As I get ready to turn another page of the calendar, I proudly look back at my year with Landry.  I only see her once a month now.  However, I leave her office with renewed trust and faith in my ability to recover. Recover!  RECOVER!  I honestly never thought it was something attainable.  She's taught me "all I really need to know about recovery".  AND more importantly, she's taught me to have confidence in myself.  Thank you Landry.