KNOCK! KNOCK!

I love a good knock knock joke. From a young age, I trained my kids to appreciate them too. But ED (eating disorder) does not like knock knock jokes. That's because ED doesn't like me to ever answer the door!

When I started contemplating letting others know about my struggle with ED, I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I felt getting it out in the open would free me from feeling like I was hiding a significant part of me. (I'm not saying my eating disorder is a part of me - but my struggle to beat it is!). On the other hand I worried about sharing because of how personal and vulnerable it would be for me.  Plus, I don't want my kids to know at this point in their lives.

Since I moved and no longer had access to my therapist, I turned to my mentor.  When I got ready to move, I expressed to my therapist the desire to continue in recovery without the help of a therapist. (Little did I understand how very difficult recovery is.) She encouraged me to at least partner up with a mentor through the brilliant program called Mentor Connect. So when I got to Texas and the stress and pressure of a move, unconventional living arrangements, and the holidays all piled on me, I could feel ED reeling me back in.  In desperation I register with Mentor Connect.   All the mentors in this program are recovered from an eating disorder. My mentor is Jess.  She doesn't even live on this continent, she lives in Australia.  Jess is brilliant and is going to be an amazing therapist one day.

So, back to my story. I told my thoughts and desires for sharing my struggle with Jess.  She told me about her positive experience in opening up with all her friends and family.  She recommend starting out by going small and just sharing with a select few that I trusted to handle it gently. After contemplating this and very carefully choosing a few people, I anxiously shared my struggle. The feedback was so positive, supportive, and made me feel special and loved. ED hated it. He was so mad that I had opened the door and let more people in.

When ED gets mad he starts really laying down the law and his rules become strict and harsh. I found myself falling under his spell. One of my best friends (despite living 1000+ miles away) could tell something wasn't right. So, she point blank asked me "Are you ok?"  This is the equivalent of "knock knock".  Here's how my conversation with ED goes:
ED: "Don't answer that!"
Me: But my friend wants in!"
ED: "No, she really doesn't.  She's tired of you whining!"
Knock!  Knock!
Me: "She's still at the door."
ED: "Shhhh!  Hide and maybe she will go away!"
Me: "I should let her in.  She's my friend."
ED: "No!  You should be embarrassed that you are so weak that you need her again!"

So, the knock goes unanswered. I tell my friend I'm fine. Then ED is happy. He won and he celebrates by giving me more rules and put downs.

When I confess to Jess in our weekly correspondence that I'm having a really hard time and that ED is loud in my head, she tells me of a game he does like to play...tug-a-war.  She tells me, "As you start opening up a little more, ed gets a little louder. That’s ed protesting and trying to convince you not to change. After all, ed doesn’t want you to seek support because seeking support makes you stronger. When you are stronger and more confident then ed will have less and less power over your life. So right now it might feel like a bit of a tug of war between ed and that part of you who wants recovery."

That made so much sense to me!  All the sudden I didn't feel like the recovery failure who should be ashamed.  ED only told me that to weaken my pull on the rope.  So I immediately texted my friend and told her to come back.

KNOCK KNOCK!
ED: "Don't answer!"
Me: "I invited her!  I'm answering!"
ED: "It won't do any good.  You can't recover!"
Me: "You are right, I can't recover...if I keep listening to you?"
ED is mad!  I ignore him and say to the door, "Come in it's open!"
How do you like that tug-a-war move?!?!

Do I Have My Oxygen Mask On?

Ladies and Gentlemen -   On behalf of the captain and the entire crew, we welcome you aboard Flight 2014, nonstop service for life!  At this time, make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position. Also make sure your seat belt is correctly fastened.  We suggest that you keep your seat belt fastened throughout the flight, as we may experience turbulence.  In the event of a decompression, an oxygen mask will automatically appear in front of you. To start the flow of oxygen, pull the mask towards you. Place it firmly over your nose and mouth, secure the elastic band behind your head, and breathe normally. Although the bag does not inflate, oxygen is flowing to the mask. If you are travelling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other person.

Many life lessons can be learned from a flight attendants instructions...the Captain (God) is in control; keep seats upright (good posture is important), their will be turbulence (in life) so keep those seat belts fastened, and finally, make sure you put on your oxygen mask first before helping others.

A few weeks ago I started meeting with a new therapists. This was a very difficult but necessary step for my well being and recovery from my eating disorder. My new therapist is Landry and things are working out pretty well. I like her and even though it's very different from my therapy in South Carolina, I feel a new surge of hope and encouragement to work towards recovery.

Last week I was discussing with Landry about a difficult day. We charted out the events of the day and talked about what I could have done differently. It was helpful to see the bumps and challenges along the path that I could have handled in diverse ways. Then Landry asked me if I have ever flown before. I have. She reminded me of the safety speech given by the flight attendants regarding oxygen masks. Before you help anyone, be it child, or old person, or injured person, you must put on your mask first!  If you fail to follow these guidelines you risk running out of air and passing out or dying and then you can't help anyone!  Then Landry asked me, "Do you have your oxygen mask on?"

As I looked through the chart of events from my difficult day I realized I had been too busy helping others with their masks and had neglected my own.  Like everything in life, this is a balancing act. I can't neglect others or become self centered, but I need to take care of me. This is difficult for me. I like taking care of and helping others, but if I think about the oxygen mask parable, I can see the logical reasoning behind taking care of me first. I can't let my self become too busy with others to not take care of my basic needs.

So this week I am starting some new goals...it's not New Years Eve, but it is a new school year.  Here are my daily oxygen masks I need to put on first before I help others:
Eat healthy and sufficient meals
Exercise
Read scriptures
Pray
Yoga/Stretching
Adequate sleep
I don't have to spend hours doing these things, I just have to do them. I have to do it for my friends and family. I can't help them if I am not the best me I can be. I also need to learn and accept that it's ok to do it for myself. Buddha said, "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection."

Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight. Thank you

Lessons to Learn

The death of Robin Williams hit me square in the heart. Maybe it's timing was too close to one of the darkest times I've ever experienced. After giving up on recovery and deciding to just live with an eating disorder, I was really choosing the opposite of living.  Since hearing the sad news, my heart ached for the mental, emotional, and physical anguish that Robin Williams was feeling. The irony of the whole situation made it that much more unbearable. The irony that a man whose life work was making others laugh was so very unhappy and full of sorrow.  The irony that he felt so alone and unnecessary in the world that he felt taking his own life was the best option, yet the tributes and monuments from millions of adoring fans haven't stopped for days.  It's these two ironies that I have not been able to stop thinking about.

It may be cliche but it's true, everyone is fighting some kind of battle. Wouldn't the world be so much better if we strived to be just a little more gentle and understanding with others?  Would it be that difficult to give others the benefit of the doubt instead of blame and frustration and judgement?  Could we learn to look past the happy façade, the shy facade, the angry facade, the stuck-up facade, the strong facade and see the real person with feelings and emotions?  Can't we just be more understanding and empathetic?

Why do we wait till it's too late to tell people how much they mean to us?  I've decided to take the opportunity to share with as many people as I can, how much they mean to me. Everyone loves to be loved and appreciated. I can't put into words how much it meant to me in my darkest hours to have friends and family express their love for and belief in me. And even more significant is the human touch...an arm around the shoulder, or a hug.  Don't wait.  Tell as many people as you can how much they mean to you. Hug!  You never know how much of an impact a few kind words or touch will have on someone.

Mr. Williams taught us to live large in life. In death may his lesson be to express our love and appreciation to others, as well as treating others gently with more understanding and kindness.

It's Time

I don't really have a topic for today's blog. It's been a tough couple weeks. I am finally feeling like my head is coming out of a dark thick fog. I have to admit, it feels so much better.

I would be very ungrateful if I didn't thank my fantastic parents, husband, and other family members who prayed for me and checked in on me.  Their love was the constant light in my dark days. I also should thank two of my dearest friends who had to make some tough choices. I'm grateful they loved me enough to take action. I'm also thankful for many other dear friends and their support. And finally I am thankful for my dear mentor, Jess.  Her experiences helped me feel understood and not so alone.

So now what?  I am working with a therapist again after nine long months of trying to basically be tough and do this on my own. I'm still not thrilled about going to see someone new. I don't like change. It's also a very different environment than what I experienced in South Carolina. However, it's time. It's time I finish learning how to deal with this monster.   It's time to accept that my family doesn't need perfect, they just need me.  It's time to give up a little control so I can have real control.  It's time to change my thoughts so I can change my world. It's time to befriend myself. It's time to let my inner gangster out to bust this eating disorder right in the teeth. I will still get tired. I know there will be discouragement. Mountains and valleys will fill the path I must travel. But it's time to allow faith to overcome fear and hope to overcome despair. It's time!

Giving Up on Getting Well

It's been a pretty frustrating and challenging couple of weeks. I basically decided I was done fighting and I gave up on recovery.  The only problem is my family and friends didn't exactly agree with this decision. It's very hard for me to be open about this. It's a pretty bleak and dark feeling. Plus, I know many people just don't understand eating disorders.  I've spent a lot of time this past week trying to explain my struggle to my loved ones. It's not easy. I was asked to do a lot of things I didn't want to do...things that would make me feel better and get me back on track with recovery. I just don't want to. My mentor Jess sent me these wise words...
"Relapse is so common for people living with ED. I have been there myself. Just because you are feeling this way today, doesn't mean you will feel the same way tomorrow."
So today I don't feel like doing any of the things to help me get back on track with recovery.  But I hope tomorrow or the next day or soon, that feeling will change. Until then I will do what is ask because those that care about me asked me to do it...because they love me...because I love them.
Here's a little something I wrote yesterday...
Lost
I've been lost. I couldn't find my way.
I was scared, alone and darkness filled my days
I've been lost. Feeling panic and despair
I couldn't find my way, on a pathway to nowhere.
I've been lost. Hope had left my soul.
All light was swallowed into an endless black hole.
When suddenly I noticed on the path in front of me
A marker of types, a lighthouse in my stormy sea
I strained my eyes and see another light ahead
Although the path seems more sure doubt cautions where I tread
But with each step, fear weakened and I slowly gain ground
I notice the dark fog lifting all around
Then I see the shadows along my timid trail
I hadn't been alone, my eyes only covered by a dark veil
As the darkness dispels with each small unsure stride
The light reveals my journey filled with loved ones by my side.
And in each hand a flashlight, helping illuminate my course
Since in my struggle I'd lost my own light source.
And though I was lost, I was never alone
My friends and family gave borrowed light to help me get back home.