I would never...

I would never call my friend hideous.
I would never tell my friend she shouldn't eat.
I would never say my friend was useless.
I would never call my friend a failure.
I would never tell my friend she's fat.
I would never say my friend was all alone.
I would never call my friend a crazy head case.
I would never tell my friend the world would be better off without her.
I would never say my friend was unloveable.
I would never hurt my friend.
I guess I'm not my friend.

One Day at a Time

The alarm on my phone goes off. I'm comfy in my bed. Outside the sun is just casting a thin purple light across the horizon of the darkened sky as the night fights the losing battle to day.  It's a new day.  Twenty-four hours of opportunities, chances, choices, moments, and memories. This day is solitary and unique. Once these 24 hours are over, they are gone forever. Abraham Lincoln said, "The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time."  So, just live each day fully!  Take life one day at a time!  Easy, right?

Sometimes it feels like in my quest to take life one day at a time, one day becomes two...which becomes three...which becomes weeks or even months. That one day called in its gang of friends and completely overwhelmed me.  It is in one of these never ending bad days that I get lost and vanquished to a dark place.   At some point I just have to stop the unbalanced madness and get life back into perspective. I have to remind myself that I don't have to take on the entire 24 hours at once

First thing to do is to focus on one breath...then two. Fill your chest and belly. Slow your breathing which in turn slows your mind.  Take deep, slow, cleansing breaths.

Next focus on one step at a time. Do whatever is the next thing you need to do...get out of bed, shower, dress, eat breakfast, go to work,take care of children, exercise...pick one task and triumphantly complete it. Then pick the next step, and the next. Feel the strength surge through you as you complete one step at a time. There is no rush!  Things will get done when they get done.

Finally focus on moments...the few seconds on the yoga mat when you feel complete peace, your child's hand in yours as you walk to the park, the taste of fresh sliced juicy peaches, the cool refreshing blast of cold AC in a hot car, the clean refreshing smell of new bath wash in the shower, a hug from a loved one or friend.  Living each of these moments makes time stand still but ironically speeds the day along.  

Repeatedly, I've come to realize that when bad days overwhelm me, I find myself in self-preservation mode. This means I start living in my head. I forget to breath, take one step at a time, and live in each moment. I forget I am one person.  I start living on auto pilot.  The great philosophical guru Osho declared, "Get out of your head and get into your heart.  Think less, feel more."

I've never died from one, or two, or a weeks worth of bad days. As a matter of fact, I've gotten through 100% of my bad days. That's not too shabby!  I'm tenacious like that!  You are too!  And just like that thin purple line on the darkened horizon wins out over night, so too can our good days win out over the dark bad ones.

Learning to See

Every day I use my eyes. From that first glance at the alarm clock in the morning, to the last sleepy glance at the shadows in my room at night. The amazing Helen Keller stated, "Of all the senses, sight must be the most delightful."  I've stood on a mountainside and beheld the beauty of the changing leaves of the fall in their fiery glory. I've admired beautiful palace gardens through out Europe. I've scrutinized my new babies from head to toe, trying to remember every detail. I've spotted people in need and rushed to help. I've poured over books filled with words that transport me to other times and places. I've observed my children playing happily (and sometimes not so happily) together. I've watched my friends laughing while enjoying comfortable friendships. I've spied on a herd of deer crossing a river on a cool crisp morning.
Yes, sight is delightful!  All of these, I've seen with my eyes.  My eyes work just fine...well, with a slight imperfection easily corrected by glasses. However, I've realized that my accurate vision (with or without glasses) falls short of 20/20 in one regard...when looking at myself. The same eyes that lovingly watch my kids, that admire my friends, that take in all the beauty of nature...those same eyes do not see the truth about me. I can not trust my eyes when they scrutinize my reflection in the mirror. Shannon Alder explained it best when she said, "Often the truth is in front of your face, but your eyes are so full of lies that you can't see it."  This problem is very confusing. On one hand what they see is true and beautiful.  On the other hand they see a false ugly distorted view. This is saddening, tormenting, and caustic. It's part of having an eating disorder...eyes that see fine, except when looking at ones self.
How can this issue be corrected?  Not even rose colored glasses can fix this problem. However, there are some steps to help correct.  The first step is simply realizing and acknowledging that your eyes don't work when seeing you!  Once you know this you can move on to the next step, which is challenge what your eyes see in you. Just like you stopped believing that kid in the 3rd grade who lied all the time (I mean how many weekend in a row can his family go across country to DisneyWorld?), you have to learn to stop believing what your eyes tell you. Finally, learn to see with your "other eye".  Rumi, a brilliant Persian theologian said, "Close both eyes to see with the other eye."  Some might call it the third eye or inner eye.  Others might refer to this as chi or soul. If you are a Star Wars fan, you might call it the force. I like to think of it as my heart. "
"A person who only sees with his eyes and not his heart misses the details of beauty." (Evie Fritz). This is the tender "eye", the "eye" that is kinder and gentler. It's easy to use this eye while viewing others.  It's the eye that lovingly watches a sleeping child even though 30 minutes ago that child had flooded the bathroom. It's the eye that still looks at a person as a friend even though they inadvertently hurt your feelings yesterday. It's time to train this eye to look at yourself.  Learn to see! "After all, the true seeing is within."  (George Eliot)

Eating Disorder 101

Every time I move somewhere, or visit somewhere new, I always enjoy researching about the area.  I love reading about the history of places. In addition, when I become curious about a topic I read and read about it until I am satisfied with what I know. I guess you could say I'm a big nerd. I'm ok with that!

After coming to terms with my struggle with an eating disorder, I knew the best way to beat it and recover would be to learn as much as I could about it. So today's post is Eating Disorder 101 based specifically on my experience with anorexia.

The first thing people should understand about an eating disorder is that is a very serious illness. It is NOT something people can just stop. It is not a phase or a way to get attention.  It is a horrible sickness.  Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any physiological disorder. As much as 20% of those who develop anorexia will die from it.   It's serious!

Eating disorders are about more than food and eating. For me, anorexia was a way for me to feel in control and powerful. The irony is, eating disorders eventually make you weak and very out of control, but the disease clouds your vision and tells you you have control!

With that said, it's also very much about food!  I thought about food excessively. I collected recipes and loved to look at cookbooks and food blogs. I even cooked and baked like crazy. My friends and family benefitted, but I never ate it. I was constantly bringing food to other people; whole meals sometimes.  I remember making this huge yummy dessert for a church picnic and not eating a single bite. Everyone loved it, I left with an empty dish and the mistaken feeling that I was stronger than wonder women because I had not taste a single bite of that dessert.

An eating disorder is a voice in your head. I know this sounds weird, but there was honestly a voice in my head telling me what I could and couldn't eat, when to exercise, when to weigh. And my weight was the guide to how good I was; losing weight meant I was doing ok, staying  the same was bad, and gaining was out right failure.  The voice was brutal! But I did what it told me! It was like being enslaved by the voice in my head.

Weight loss isn't the only physical change from an eating disorder. My hair was breaking and falling out at an alarming pace. I also was cold all the time. I wasn't able to sleep through the night.  Most alarming was the fact that I frequently experienced heart palpitations.  I was always tired and often felt dizzy. I was present in my life, but I wasn't living it.  I spent more time in my head with the voice than I did with the people and experiences around me.

Finally, eating disorders take a lot of time and work to recover from. Some days I feel strong and like I have the eating disorder behind me. Other days I feel like I'm fighting a war of attrition with no end in sight. It's on these days that the love and support of my husband, family, and my dear friends becomes a proverbial lighthouse in the turmoil of my storm.

I could write much more, but I should save some material for my next class!  :) Eating disorders are very isolating and difficult to overcome because they are so misunderstood.  Knowledge is the key!  If you know someone struggling with an eating disorder, hug them a little tighter. It truly is hell!