Living in Fear

Ok, I admit it. I'm a scaredy cat!  As a child I was scared of nuclear war.  As a teen I was scared of growing up.  Even as an adult, I still have many fears. My extreme fear of snakes is pretty well known amongst my friends and family.  I'm afraid of my kids getting hurt. I'm afraid of driving in unknown places, especially at night. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid to take risks.
My husband and I were talking about a future business opportunity. The idea was exciting and challenging. As we discussed it in greater detail I realized that my husband was seriously considering this and then the cold wave of fear started to overcome me. I am getting better about sharing my feelings, so I told him that I was scared by this idea. When he asked me why, the reason came spilling out if me before I could filter my feelings. I was scared I couldn't manage and it would fail. My daughters, master eavesdroppers, rushed into the kitchen where I was talking with my hubby. They buried me in all the wisdom of their 12 and 10 years of life experience.
"Mom, you won't look back and regret taking a chance, but you will regret not trying."
"You will miss 100% of shots you don't take."
After hearing their advice, I quickly dismissed it. They have so little life experience. They don't understand how scary life is. Then I stopped that thinking dead in its tracks.  Maybe I was the one that didn't understand. Maybe their child like faith simply took the place of fear. I remembered something I read last year by Brent Neilsen, "Fear is the opposite of faith. If you have fear, faith diminishes, but if you have faith, fear diminishes."
When I finally admitted to myself that I needed help overcoming my eating disorder, my friend got me the name of a specialized therapist. It took me weeks to work up the courage to call. Then it took several weeks to get in to see her. I will never forget how positively terrified I was that first time I went. I was so nervous and afraid I was physically sick. I remember sitting in the waiting area literally chanting over and over in my mind, "Faith not fear!  Faith not fear!" I wanted so badly to jump in my car and go home. I was afraid to confront my problems. It took several visits for me to overcome this fear.
The thing about fear is it can really prevent a person from living. There are so many things to be afraid of. At some point you just have to say "ENOUGH!  I'm not going to live in fear!"  I look back to my life before I saw my therapist and I think how different things would be if I had let fear prevent me from getting help.  I remember the hopelessness.  I remember how sick and weak I felt. I remember how in my attempts to gain control I had completely lost all control. I was scared, lost, unwell, unhappy, and full of fear.
Sometimes, as I reflect on my journey to overcome my eating disorder I see a glimpse of the strength I have gained. It is in these moments I understand the words of Larry Gibbons, "It is hard to build faith in the noonday sun. When the night is dark and the clouds are thick, we have an opportunity to put our hand in the Lord’s hand and rely on Him to help us through. Doing so strengthens our faith."  This time of trial has been the time for me to learn faith over fear.
About snakes...don't go getting all crazy!  I'm still terrified of them!

Unleash the Beast

I've never been an aggressive person.  Loyal...yes!  Passionate...yes!  But never aggressive. Contention and anger actually make me physically sick to my stomach and I do all in my power to avoid them. It doesn't even have to be directed at me, I still internalize the anger and it makes me sick and anxious. Despite my issues with anger, there have been a few times in my life when I have totally lost control. I don't really like the way that feels either.  One time was after a lady hit my car with my sister and children riding with me.  The lady had been careless and I felt like she seriously put my children in danger with her carelessness. I honestly felt like punching her lights out!  Lucky for me (and her) after I screamed at her and saw how scared she was of me I instantly felt ashamed and backed down. That was over four years ago.  But after a night last year I can tell you, the beast inside of me is not dead!

One of the tools I'm learning to use from my superhero (therapist) in overcoming my eating disorder is assertiveness. This has never been an easy characteristic for me.  First of all I have a hard time with moderation which makes differentiating between aggression and assertiveness difficult.  And second, I always want to be accommodating and laid back, and never a problem for someone else. I will go out to eat with friends to a place I don't even like and never say anything. I will wear clothes my mom sends me even if I don't like them.  I always let my husband pick out the movies we watch. When a friend offers me something to drink at her house I pretty much always say no thank you, even if I'm thirsty.  I've never thought of any of these examples as a flaw.  However, as of late, I've started thinking, "Why should I not voice my opinion and do what makes me happy?"   Why can't I make another restaurant suggestion?  Why can't I thank my mom for the shirt but tell her it's not my style?  Why can't I pick out a romance for movie night, just once?  Why can't I say, "Yes, I'd love a glass of water!"?

My superhero did warn me that when learning to be assertive the pendulum can swing too far the other direction and I can go from passive, right pass assertive over to aggressive.  So I've really thought about what these three words mean.  My definition of these three characteristics are as follows:
Passive: putting others needs and wants above your own, even if it makes you unhappy and/or uncomfortable; feeling like others needs are more important than your needs which can lead to people taking advantage of you.
Assertive: standing up for yourself, making your feeling and thoughts known, but never pushing them on others or at the expense of someone else's happiness, standing your ground when it means a lot to you
Aggressive: forcing your thoughts and opinions on others, bullying people (physically, emotionally, or verbally) to see things your way; attacking; not able to compromise.

So pretty much all my life I've been pretty much passive with an occasional gentle swing into assertive and a rare drastic swing into aggressive. But recently I took a path less traveled WAY into the dark scary forest of Aggression and met the beast.   Here is my travel tale:

I was watching my brother coach at a high school JV football game.  I was with my mom and sister. A visiting fan from the other team went and got the police and complained about some of the high school students sitting many rows above her and her husband. They were being kids...laughing loud, cheering, being crazy teenagers. So the police went up and literally stayed right up there with them for the rest of the game - silencing the fun and cheering. My mother was bothered by that and after the game she went up to the officers and told them, "Those kids weren't doing anything wrong. I don't know what that lady's problem was!" Well the lady and her husband were standing right behind my mom and the husband went berserk!  He was yelling and ranting and raving and my mom was giving it right back to him. The police said, "That's enough!  That's enough!" But the guy kept yelling at my mom. That's when I snapped. From the deep dark forest of aggression came the beast. With eyes red as hot coals and smoke curling out of its nostrils the beast flew in. I got up in the mans face and yelled "THEY SAID ENOUGH!"  The beast tensed its muscles, waiting!  The man started yelling at me!  The beast swooped in to attack. I lunged at the man.  Hands grabbed me and pulled me back.  The beast was ready to attack. Then I heard the police say "It will only make this worse if I have to arrest you!"  The beast was gone! The words were like a bucket of cold water bringing me back to reality and forcing the beast back into the dark forest of Aggression.  We left the stadium WITH a police officer escorting us out.  My adrenaline was pumping. I felt strong.  Holy cow!  I almost got arrested!!!!   I almost got arrested!!!!

As those words played over and over in my mind I realized I had ridden that pendulum WAY to the other side. I took it all the way into the deep dark dreary forest of Aggression and had unleashed the beast.  I had missed the mark - my arrow should have been aiming for assertive. In the heat of the moment that arrow flew right past it.  Within 12 hours ED (eating disorder) was running his mouth.  "You obviously can't trust yourself to let your feelings out. It would be best to go back to stuffing your feelings deep inside you.  It's  just not safe. You can't control yourself.  Feelings are bad and dangerous.  YOU ALMOST GOT ARRESTED!"  I recognize that voice and I know his advice will not help me in the long run.   My superhero has taught me that recovery is about perseverance. I'm disappointed I missed the assertive mark.  Instead of letting this drag me back in my recovery, I can preserver  and learn from this. Next time I'm in a heated situation it might be a better idea to remove myself and think about the situation. Until I learn how to better control my aim, I need to slow it down.  It's not only OK, but also probably wiser to stop and think about a reaction to a heated situation. So, hurray that I let that arrow fly and didn't let passiveness prevent me from even firing my arrow!  BUT - next time, slow down the shot so the arrow can hit the assertive mark, instead of flying into the dark forest of Aggression.   No one wants me to unleash the beast!

Rage

Ugly screaming rage inside my head
Tells me I'm no good, be better off dead
Reminds me of my imperfections and flaws
Constantly reminding me, never a pause
Rage - full of anger and disgust
Confusing me, ensnaring me, not sure who to trust
I'm not worth it, don't deserve happiness
Filling me full of madness, loneliness, sadness
Then it quiets and I think it's finally departed
But slowly the rage flairs again,  back to where I started.

R Bright 2013