Fear leads to...hate!

“Fear is the path to the dark side…fear leads to anger…anger leads to hate…hate leads to suffering.”  Yoda-Jedi Master

It's so easy to be afraid these days. But I know from my own life that fear doesn't help things get better. Fear keeps you from progress. Fear keeps you from making positive changes. Fear keeps you from loving yourself and others.  

I remember sitting and waiting for my very first appointment with an eating disorder therapist and being so afraid I wanted to run out and never come back. I remember pulling over multiple times on my way to that same appointment with fear and anxiety so overwhelming and raw that I was physically sick. But then as I sat there waiting, scared and alone, a still small voice whispered to my heart "faith not fear".  I clung to those words for many weeks until my visits became easier.  

Ever since that experience "faith not fear" has become my motto in life. I've used it over and over again.  I've used it as I've had to do hard things and start going to new therapists. I've used it when reports about terrorist attacks across the globe paralyze me with sadness and fear.  I've used it as I've continually battled disorder thinking about food, about my body, and about life. I've also used it at times when being a parent is hard and scary.  And now I'm using it as I watch our society crumble.  I wish hearts could be softened and people could see that there is fear on both sides of the line. But fear won't fix things. You see Yoda is exactly right. Fear leads to suffering.  But the amateur philosopher Rosalind Bright says, "Faith is the path to the light side...faith leads to soft hearts...soft hearts lead to understanding...understanding leads to love."

When Service Saved My Life

One of my favorite people in history is Mother Teresa.  The more I learn about her the more I feel a connection to her. I believe that part of her goodness and drive to help others was a way to combat her feelings of depression and worthlessness.  Mother Teresa stated "We have been created to love and be loved."

As I've combated my eating disorder, I've come across a great tool.  I didn't learn it from a eating disorder blog.  I didn't learn it from my therapist.  I didn't just figure it out by happenstance. I learn it from watching my mother, from attending church, and from studying the life of my Savior and His followers.  What is this great tool?  Would you believe me if I said service is the tool that has had a huge effect on my recovery?  It's true!

I remember many times in my life when I would be down and discouraged my mom's advice was always the same, "Do something for others!"  My mom often did kind things for friends, family, and even complete strangers.  Looking back I think my mom used this tool to keep her from falling into dark times.  She usually lived far from family, my dad was in the military and was often away on temporary duty assignments, she had three young kids, and she suffered three miscarriages and some medical scares.  But I never remember my mom giving up or being down and out.  I do remember her serving others!

I've always enjoyed serving others.  I greatly admire people who spend their lives helping the less fortunate...people like my mom and Mother Teresa.  However, an ugly shadow of selfishness came over me when I was in the depths of my eating disorder.  A selfishness so deep and dark that any person, or thought, or activity that imposed on my world of food obsession and restrictive rules was a huge annoyance to me.  I'm ashamed to admit that even my children fell victim to this.

One day I got a call from a good friend and she invited me to come with her to help out at the local mobil food pantry in our town.  So having nothing better to do I decided to go help.  It was amazing.  It was hard physical work, but I loved interacting with the other volunteers (most of whom are retired) and I loved the interaction with the folks that we were helping out.  Then I went again in two weeks for the next one.  And again!  And again!  I realized Food Pantry days were some of my best days.  I started making other types of service a priority...from helping my kids teachers, to indexing old public records, and even looking for people at the grocery store that I could help return their buggy or reach something on a high shelf.  I started looking for ANY way I could be helpful to anybody!

All that time I had my eating disorder in my head, keeping me isolated, keeping me selfish, telling me I was useless and then service takes over and my whole outlook changed.   Charles Dickens said, "No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another."  For the first time in a long time I was living this!  I can't move to a poverty stricken country and build wells.  I can't help teach English to children on a tropical island.  I can't be Mother Teresa.  But I can do for one person what I would do for millions if I could.  And to that one person it might make all the difference.

It makes a difference to ME too!  There isn't room in my head to worry about what I can and cannot eat.  There isn't room in my head for all of the eating disorders rules and restrictions.  Now I look for ways to help others instead of ways to hurt and punish myself.  Service isn't the cure to anorexia, or depression, or anxiety.  But it is a useful and powerful tool to help push out the selfish tendencies that these illnesses breed.   "I learned long ago that those who are happiest are those who do the most for others." (Booker T. Washington). Service saved my life!

When you break down on the road to recovery...

Life is most definitely a journey. And like all journeys we are faced with with choices along the way. In Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland, Alice is faced with this very thing.

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where–” said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.

I have been standing at a crossroads in my recovery. Since finding out I'm no longer able to work with my amazing therapist I've been just standing still on my journey. I've become complacent and my resolve for recovery has gone as flat as a tire with a nail in it. In my mind I feel much like Alice..."I don't much care where I go."  And so I sit at this cross roads with no direction, no goal, no progress. 

Of course my eating disorder (ED) would never let me alone...especially if I'm feeling sad,  uncomfortable, and vulnerable. NO WAY!  Any small waiver from a firm march down the road of recovery is like flashing lights and sirens for ED to try to jump back in and take control and push me down his dark road. 

The thing is, you can't sit still in recovery. As soon as you lose your drive to keep progressing you start sliding back. It's like walking the wrong way on an escalator.  As long as you move forward you can make progress to the end of the escalator. But if you slow down or stop you will only go back to where you started. 

Where am I going?  My therapist reminded me that "Struggling is just part of the journey sometimes."  I responded "This part of the journey sucks!"  But despite the fact that I'm not currently on the "scenic route", I can't stop here in the dumps of recovery.  As hard as it is, I need to move on.  This means fixing that flat tire on my recovery wheels.  This means making goals and connecting with a new therapist. This means caring where I am going so I can choose the right path to get there. 

Honestly, this is a hard thing for me. None of us can see down the road in front of us. My mind can imagine all sorts of problems, road blocks, and detours ahead. Plus, I really hate change!  However, we can either move on or let life pass us by as we sit in uncertainty and fear.  Like my old motto from my first days of my recovery journey, I need to have "Faith not Fear!". 

So today I make a choice. I push away ED again and fix those flat tires of recovery so I can again move forward. I decide where I am going and I ask a new therapist to help me on my journey.  I'm scared but I've firmly fixed a bumper sticker on the back of my vehicle of life..."FAITH NOT FEAR!"  On the road again!

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Hanging on to the Monkey Bars for Dear Life

Hanging on to the Monkey Bars for Dear Life

The one constant in this life is change!  My journey to recovery has repeatedly testified of this.  This week I found out that because of policy changes (at Eating Recovery Center where I go for counseling), I will no longer be able to work with my dear therapist.  To say I was devastated is putting it mildly.  I had to read the email several times before I could actually believe what it said.  I was angry, sad, scared, and very unsure.  Of course my eating disorder (ED) had lots to say about it too!  Like a broken record in my head, I kept hearing reasons why I didn’t belong at ERC or working with a therapist.  “You don’t even have an eating disorder.  You aren’t sick enough.  If you really needed help the eating disorder community wouldn’t be kicking you out.”   I tried to put on a brave face but I didn’t fool anyone and my girls asked their daddy why I was so sad.  I was so VERY SAD!

Reaching out saved the day as usual.  At first I was embarrassed to tell people.  I was starting to think the ED thoughts might be true and others might think the same.  But when a FB memory popped up with the serenity prayer that I posted three years ago when I was seriously struggling with my eating disorder, I felt promoted to share it again.  The Facebook post was vague and cryptic (and I really dislike those types of post).  I was just really too embarrassed to share.  However, I have been blessed with many great family members and friends and quickly I was receiving lots of private inquiries about if I was ok.  I swallowed my pride and updated my FB post to share the news about losing my therapist. 

Sharing is a good thing.  The love and support from family and friends came pouring into my Facebook feed and through text messages.  One dear wise friend in particular made a comment that stopped me in my tracks.  The words of her message that pierced my heart were “…there may be a reason this is happening…maybe it is because there is an even better solution working its way to you.”  Honestly this isn’t what I wanted to hear.  In my mind and heart, losing my therapist was devastating and I could not see any silver lining.  But I couldn’t get those words out of my mind.

C.S. Lewis said, “Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars.  You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.”  Working with my therapist is like crossing the monkey bars.  I have been working so hard with my therapist to get from the eating disorder side to the recovery side.  I can see recovery and we had a plan all in place.  However, that set of monkey bars has suddenly ended short of where I hoped to be.  Still, I have been holding on to those monkey bars for dear life!  I am too afraid to let go.  There are other monkey bars that can get me to the recovery side, but I have to let go and switch monkey bars. 

C.S Lewis isn’t the only person to leave the world with a brilliant quote on this issue!   Nelson Mandela said, “It always seems impossible until it’s done.”  Lao Tzu said, “New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.”  Marilyn Monroe said, “Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”  Martin Luther King said, “You don’t have to see the whole staircase.  Just take the first step.”  And finally, the all wise Maria von Trapp quoting the Mother Superior said, “When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.”  Working toward recovery has taught me that all of these are true!  Can these great lessons not also apply to this very unfortunate trial of losing my trusted and amazing therapist?  Yes!  

I’m still working on the courage to find the new money bars to recovery.  I know what I HAVE to do. And, one thing I have decided firm and true is that I do not want to go back to the eating disorder side!  I might have to go back a few rungs on the monkey bar to move forward, but my destination remains the same!  Recovery! 

Eating Recovery Day

Today is eating recovery day.  My FB feed has been filled with live broadcasts, sobering statistics, inspirational quotes, and personal stories. It's times like this that I don't feel alone or like "that women with an eating disorder".   Because I've always done out patient therapy I've never felt the support of being a part of the eating disorder community. But social media has changed that. 

Today, also thanks to social media, I got a flash back picture from several years ago. It was from a 5K I participated in with my sweet sister in law and two of our dear friends.  This was during a massive struggle with my eating disorder. As I looked at myself in the picture I immediately noticed how different I looked physically from the image in my mirror today. And of course, the negative thoughts and mental body shaming started almost at once.  

Lucky for me, I had a tool I learned in therapy recently ready to try out. I challenged those eating disordered thoughts right then in that moment. What that picture doesn't show is how very sick and mentally unwell I was on the inside.  So instead of focusing on how I looked I thought about how much better mentally I am today than I was in that picture. 

I'm still working towards recovery. It's not a quick fix but a process. Some days are easier than others. But today on the official Eating Recovery Day, I am grateful for the opportunity I had to use a tool from therapy to combat ED thinking. I'm also so grateful for my family, close friends, and therapists who have helped me on my recovery journey. One year I will proudly celebrate this day fully recovered and stronger than ever. 

I'm not aiming for the opposite of anorexia.

I've felt like I'm in a bit of a rut lately. I'm NOT engaging in any anorexic behaviors. (Which I'm proud of!) I'm actually feeling like the complete opposite of anorexia. I tried to explain to my wonderful therapist, Landry, how I was feeling...no drive to work out and no desire to eat healthy (really just eating whatever whenever).  I feel lazy with no moderation at all. These are all the opposite of my feelings and drives when I was in the clutches of my eating disorder (ED). It's pretty frustrating to feel like here I am not giving into ED and yet I'm still unhappy and in this funk. 

As usual, Landry understood and told me my feelings are NOT unusual. She called it ED rebellion. It's the stage of recovery where you push back against everything ED pushed on you.  Some of you might be thinking, "That's great!  What's wrong with that?"  Landry explained it perfectly with the parable of the baked potato bar. 

There is baked potato bar.  You go to pick out your potato. There are lots of size choices. The eating disorder voice says "Pick the smallest potato!"  The eating disorder rebellion voice says "Pick the biggest one!"  Moderation would be to go for a medium one. (Here's where things get really tricky - if I am truly in tune with my body, I pick the size that I am hungry for. That's the true moderate choice!)

That parable perfectly described how I've been feeling. I went from one extreme to the other.  I don't want to be in extremes. Happiness and feeling content is in moderation. Moderation is hard for me. I'm a very black and white thinker. But, I now see where I need to make adjustments. 

To start with I'm going to organize my days with more structure. (Not ED ridged, with no bending or flexibility!). I'm going to make some moderate goals for exercising, eating, and other important things.  I'm going to bring myself from the extreme opposite to a more moderate place in recovery. I'm not aiming for the opposite of anorexia. I'm aiming for a happy moderate place!