I'm not aiming for the opposite of anorexia.

I've felt like I'm in a bit of a rut lately. I'm NOT engaging in any anorexic behaviors. (Which I'm proud of!) I'm actually feeling like the complete opposite of anorexia. I tried to explain to my wonderful therapist, Landry, how I was feeling...no drive to work out and no desire to eat healthy (really just eating whatever whenever).  I feel lazy with no moderation at all. These are all the opposite of my feelings and drives when I was in the clutches of my eating disorder (ED). It's pretty frustrating to feel like here I am not giving into ED and yet I'm still unhappy and in this funk. 

As usual, Landry understood and told me my feelings are NOT unusual. She called it ED rebellion. It's the stage of recovery where you push back against everything ED pushed on you.  Some of you might be thinking, "That's great!  What's wrong with that?"  Landry explained it perfectly with the parable of the baked potato bar. 

There is baked potato bar.  You go to pick out your potato. There are lots of size choices. The eating disorder voice says "Pick the smallest potato!"  The eating disorder rebellion voice says "Pick the biggest one!"  Moderation would be to go for a medium one. (Here's where things get really tricky - if I am truly in tune with my body, I pick the size that I am hungry for. That's the true moderate choice!)

That parable perfectly described how I've been feeling. I went from one extreme to the other.  I don't want to be in extremes. Happiness and feeling content is in moderation. Moderation is hard for me. I'm a very black and white thinker. But, I now see where I need to make adjustments. 

To start with I'm going to organize my days with more structure. (Not ED ridged, with no bending or flexibility!). I'm going to make some moderate goals for exercising, eating, and other important things.  I'm going to bring myself from the extreme opposite to a more moderate place in recovery. I'm not aiming for the opposite of anorexia. I'm aiming for a happy moderate place!