Will my Eating Disorder fit on the Moving Truck?

Boxes and packing paper surround me. The sound of packing tape is coming from all rooms of my house.  I sit here as movers pack up all our belongings - I acknowledge I have too many dishes and clothes!  TOO MUCH STUFF!  And I acknowledge (once again) - I hate change.   

You'd think that one who had experienced so much change in life would be used to it and would learn to accept it. On the contrary...I despise it more every time it weasels its way into my life.  Some guy named Hugh Prather said it best, "Just when I think I have learned the way to live, life changes!" 

My aversion to change was a huge stumbling block in my eating disorder recovery.  I learned that an eating disorder is simply a coping mechanism. It's even very effective, albeit VERY dangerous. One of the many uncomfortable feelings I used my eating disorder to cope with was change.  So having to CHANGE how I deal with coping with CHANGE was pretty difficult. 

I had been pretty distracted about this current round of changes going on in my life. I knew it was coming but I was able to acknowledge that it was coming and then put it aside. I've been proud that I've had a great and healthy summer instead of worrying and freaking out over this change. However, a few days ago, I couldn't put it aside any more. It was here!  Cue waves of anxiety and floods of emotion.  Will my Eating Disorder (ED) fit on the moving  truck?

It's when my emotions and anxiety are intense that I really feel the tug of war back to my eating disorder. It's super noticeable now that I can now go weeks without thinking about my eating disorder or having disordered thoughts.  The awesome thing is I now know better how to handle it. I have to be extra vigilant about eating. I need plenty of rest. I use tools I learned in therapy. AND I am very mindful of my thoughts.  (I know I am not my thoughts. Just because I think something doesn't mean I have to do it.)

I can't change change. But as the country music singer Jimmy Dean said, "I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."  I'll just adjust my sails and maintain my recovery journey!  No room for ED on this moving truck!  On ward to the next chapter! 

That time I told an uninvited visitor to go to hell...

Over three years ago Stephen moved to Texas to start a new job. We decided that I'd stay in South Carolina and let the kids finish the first half of school and then join him in December. I had started working with my first therapist and was about five months into my battle against anorexia.  Our plan was solid.  I was sure everything would be fine! 

But like so often occurs in life, some bumps in the road happened.  I found myself sinking back into the dark pit I'd been working so hard to climb out of. Only this time, I found a new deeper, darker bottom.  Dates had to be adjusted. We joined Stephen in Texas earlier than planned. I felt defeated. 

Fast forward to today...

Stephen, once again, is starting a new job. After being unemployed due to a devastating layoff, we are feeling extremely blessed and appreciative for this new job. But as he drove off yesterday and I realized we'd be split up again I felt the cold grip of self doubt.  Last time we were in a similar situation, I had not only stumbled, I straight up fell flat on my face.  Immediately anxiety filled my body!  Self doubt had just showed up...an uninvited guest.  He brought a lot of luggage!  

Two thoughts quickly came to mind. First I heard the voice of Landry, my sweet therapist, reminding me that I am not my thoughts. This was followed by a quote attributed to Brigham Young, "If you have a bad thought about yourself, tell it to go to hell because that is exactly where it came from?"   I knew the negative thoughts were not helpful.  I promptly shut the door on self doubt. If it wants to stay, it will have to sleep on the porch. Better yet...it can go back to where it came from!  

Despite this firm stand against self doubt I found myself thinking about it throughout the day. Then a dear sweet friend sent me the perfect quote!  "I’ve had to evict some thoughts a hundred times before they would stay out. I have never been successful until I have put something edifying in their place." (Boyd K Packer).  I instantly remembered that I am working on getting to know and love myself better. This was a perfect opportunity to evict the self doubt thoughts and replace them with something better.  So when the thought came to mind that "You can't do this, you are weak" I kicked that thought out and replaced it with "You can do this! You are stronger!"  I evicted the thought "You are going to fail again." and invited in the thought "You will succeed!"  

It's AMAZING the power I felt as I took every self doubting thought and replaced it with motivating self affirmations!  As for self doubt, it can go back to hell because that's where it came from.