KNOCK! KNOCK!

I love a good knock knock joke. From a young age, I trained my kids to appreciate them too. But ED (eating disorder) does not like knock knock jokes. That's because ED doesn't like me to ever answer the door!

When I started contemplating letting others know about my struggle with ED, I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I felt getting it out in the open would free me from feeling like I was hiding a significant part of me. (I'm not saying my eating disorder is a part of me - but my struggle to beat it is!). On the other hand I worried about sharing because of how personal and vulnerable it would be for me.  Plus, I don't want my kids to know at this point in their lives.

Since I moved and no longer had access to my therapist, I turned to my mentor.  When I got ready to move, I expressed to my therapist the desire to continue in recovery without the help of a therapist. (Little did I understand how very difficult recovery is.) She encouraged me to at least partner up with a mentor through the brilliant program called Mentor Connect. So when I got to Texas and the stress and pressure of a move, unconventional living arrangements, and the holidays all piled on me, I could feel ED reeling me back in.  In desperation I register with Mentor Connect.   All the mentors in this program are recovered from an eating disorder. My mentor is Jess.  She doesn't even live on this continent, she lives in Australia.  Jess is brilliant and is going to be an amazing therapist one day.

So, back to my story. I told my thoughts and desires for sharing my struggle with Jess.  She told me about her positive experience in opening up with all her friends and family.  She recommend starting out by going small and just sharing with a select few that I trusted to handle it gently. After contemplating this and very carefully choosing a few people, I anxiously shared my struggle. The feedback was so positive, supportive, and made me feel special and loved. ED hated it. He was so mad that I had opened the door and let more people in.

When ED gets mad he starts really laying down the law and his rules become strict and harsh. I found myself falling under his spell. One of my best friends (despite living 1000+ miles away) could tell something wasn't right. So, she point blank asked me "Are you ok?"  This is the equivalent of "knock knock".  Here's how my conversation with ED goes:
ED: "Don't answer that!"
Me: But my friend wants in!"
ED: "No, she really doesn't.  She's tired of you whining!"
Knock!  Knock!
Me: "She's still at the door."
ED: "Shhhh!  Hide and maybe she will go away!"
Me: "I should let her in.  She's my friend."
ED: "No!  You should be embarrassed that you are so weak that you need her again!"

So, the knock goes unanswered. I tell my friend I'm fine. Then ED is happy. He won and he celebrates by giving me more rules and put downs.

When I confess to Jess in our weekly correspondence that I'm having a really hard time and that ED is loud in my head, she tells me of a game he does like to play...tug-a-war.  She tells me, "As you start opening up a little more, ed gets a little louder. That’s ed protesting and trying to convince you not to change. After all, ed doesn’t want you to seek support because seeking support makes you stronger. When you are stronger and more confident then ed will have less and less power over your life. So right now it might feel like a bit of a tug of war between ed and that part of you who wants recovery."

That made so much sense to me!  All the sudden I didn't feel like the recovery failure who should be ashamed.  ED only told me that to weaken my pull on the rope.  So I immediately texted my friend and told her to come back.

KNOCK KNOCK!
ED: "Don't answer!"
Me: "I invited her!  I'm answering!"
ED: "It won't do any good.  You can't recover!"
Me: "You are right, I can't recover...if I keep listening to you?"
ED is mad!  I ignore him and say to the door, "Come in it's open!"
How do you like that tug-a-war move?!?!