What Does Top Gun and a Wagon Have in Common?

I used to watch the movie Top Gun all the time! (I adored Tom Cruise before he got all jump on a couch weird.)  I hadn't seen it in years when just the other day my hubby was flipping through the channels and stopped on Top Gun. It was about half way through the movie and we were drawn to it like moths to a flame. Towards the end, after Goose dies in a freak flying accident , the commander of Top Gun expresses how important it is for Maverick to get back up in the air and fly. Maverick just can't get over the loss of his navigator and best friend and can't get in the cockpit to complete his training. He had hit a wall, a stumbling block, a bump in the road.   He had fallen and couldn't get back up!

The idea of getting over challenges has been around for ages. For someone who fell off a horse, people might encourage, "Get back in the saddle!"  After a car accident, you may have to encourage a teen to get "back behind the wheel".  Soliders may experience feeling "gun shy" after a stressful situation.

Not too long ago I lost my way. I fell off the recovery wagon. I not only couldn't get back up, I straight up didn't want to get back up. But I was blessed with some amazing friends and a loving supportive family. They encouraged me and even gave me a boost to get back into the recovery wagon.  My recovery wagon had a new driver in the form of my new therapist. At first I was unsure, and I didn't know if her driving skills would work for me and my wagon.  For awhile I just rode, watching the miles pass by. Then I started to participate and work with my driver as she maneuvered my recovery wagon up the steep slopes of eating disorder mountain. Some days were hard, some were easy. At times, I felt like I was going to fall off again, but my driver and I had put some safety features into place to keep me on board.  They worked.

Now we are starting a new leg of the journey. I'm going to be driving my wagon now.  I've been working hard and it's time for me to take the reins. This means that now I will only be visiting with my therapist every other week, instead of every week.  I am very proud. I know I am ready for this.  I still have my friends and family supporting me. Plus, my driver is riding right next to my wagon. All I have to do is ask for her help when I need it.

Maverick does overcome his challenges to pilot a fighter plane and he saves the day.  Like Maverick,  I'm back on board too. I know I can drive my recovery wagon into the valley of health and happiness and save myself.  Top Gun and wagons...they are totally connected!

Wrong Prayer

I've been praying the wrong prayer. For well over a year I've been carrying a prayer in my heart and mind, and it is wrong!

I was studying my scriptures and read a story that I've read a million times when the proverbial light bulb clicked on!  All this time I've been struggling to over come my eating disorder, I've prayed for Heavenly Father to remove this struggle. What I needed to pray for was the strength to overcome it.

Some may say, "Oh, it's just semantics!"  But I don't think so. Praying for my problems to be taken away puts me in the position of helpless victim.  Praying for strength to overcome puts me in the drivers seat, with The Lord as my co-pilot. (Excuse the corny bumper sticker reference!)

It's interesting as my mind and body are healing from the eating disorder my thoughts and feelings change and become clearer.  The first major change in my thought process I noticed was to accept the eating disorder as a challenge or life lesson. I had always thought of it as a punishment or curse. Now I think, what am I supposed to learn from this? Again, it takes me out of the role victim and puts me in a position of control.

These ideas can apply to any challenge in life!  We have the choice to be victim or boss. It's almost a guarantee that outside influences will impact your life - random people, work, health, finances, family, friends, church. Those things you can NOT control. BUT you can control your reaction to these things. I'm not saying it's easy because I KNOW it's not. However, with the help of family, friends, therapists, doctors, God, and our Savior Jesus Christ we can learn to be the boss of our lives, not the victim!   Time to change up my prayer!

No Need to Get the Police Involved!

This week I discovered that the reason my tire kept losing air was because I had run over a nail somewhere on the road. Unfortunately, the tire place couldn't get me a new tire that day because they didn't have our tire of choice in stock...we only use Michelin (shameless unpaid product placement).  So they put on the spare and I drove carefully on the sad ugly spare tire for the next 24 hours. After they got the new tire on the next day, they had some problems getting the spare back in place. The technician came in and told me, "Sorry, we can't get your spare back on."  My first thought was "That's ok."   But then I thought, if they can't get it on, how am I supposed to get it back up?  So I looked at him and said, "Well, it needs to be put back like you found it yesterday when you got the spare out."  He mumbled something about talking to his manager. Then I watched a new team of guys try unsuccessfully to put my spare back. So the manager comes to me about 30 minutes later and informs me that the wench to lift the tire is binding and it needs to be replaced and the part will cost blah blah blah. I just looked at him. Then he said, "I have to talk to the main manager and I'll see what we can do for you, but he won't be back until Thursday."

Why am I boring you with this story? BECAUSE I FOUND MY VOICE!  I left there feeling proud. VERY proud!  I thought for one tiny little second about saying, "Oh, that's ok." or "No problem." like I've done a million times in my life, when it's NOT ok and it IS a problem!  I was assertive (NOT AGGRESSIVE... remember my blog about almost getting arrested? 😳)  I told my hubby and he was pretty mad at the tire place and asked if he needed to take care of it.  I told him that I would take care of it. But 20 years of seeing me be passive and not speaking up has us in a pattern where he has to take care of this kind of stuff. He kept bringing it up the next couple days and told me to remind them that they better fix it for me or they won't like having to deal with him!  But I didn't use that threat. I just followed up and kept using my voice.  The tire place made arrangements and this Monday morning it will get fixed!

Does this mean I'll always be able to stand up and speak my mind, wants, needs, and/or feelings?  Probably not. But when I don't, and I realize I didn't but I should have, I'm not going to beat myself up. I'm going to think about why I did what I did. I'm going to think about how I might have handled the situation differently. I'm going to recommit to using my voice.  See!  No need to get the police involved!

Master or Servant

I've been biting my nail for as long as I can remember. But when I am in the clutches of my eating disorder, I stop biting my nails. I thought about this a lot last week when I realized I was biting my nails again. Automatically I started getting down on myself. I got frustrated with myself and my inability to stop this bad habit.  I questioned why I was so strong when I gave into the eating disorder.  I also felt more driven, more motivated, and more powerful. I would feel like I had ultimate mastery over my eating, exercising, and emotion.  AND fingernail chewing!

So my therapist, Landry was teaching me about another useful tool referred to as "ABC Please".   The B stands for "build mastery".  The concept is, as you build mastery you gain confidence and confidence helps you when you experience emotional struggles.  I mentioned my nail chewing habit and how I felt like I could master or conquer that habit when I had an eating disorder, but when I start to recover I go back to biting my nails.  She asked me to tell her more. Then I admitted with a shameful hung head that I felt so strong and powerful when I gave into the eating disorder. Plus, I admitted that I miss that feeling. Landry assured me these feelings were normal. After all, an eating disorder was my minds way to best handle life.  It just has horrible (and deadly) side effects, which mean we have to learn new ways to deal with life.

We talked more about why an eating disorder gives us the illusion of power and strength. No discussion on this topic can occur with out pointing out that the power, strength, and mastery one feels while struggling with an eating disorder is nothing more than an illusion. It's the disorder with the power. Rosalind didn't have power and strength and mastery. I wasn't the master. I was the servant.  Then Landry asked me a very pointed, direct question.  "Can Rosalind build mastery?"  All week I could only think about how hard things are without my eating disorder. Yet, this one question made me reevaluate how I had been viewing things. Look at all I have done as the master. I've been exercising consistently AND sensibly with out an eating disorder driving and ordering me to exercise multiple times a day.   I have almost completely taken over control of my food intake and no longer listen to the restricting commands from the eating disorder.   I am working on understanding and mastering my emotions.  I've overcome fears and doubts and anxieties. None of that as a servant to an eating disorder. I'm doing these things, these often very hard things, as the master to myself!

There are lots of things in life that can become our master...food, job, fashion, exercise, our kids...the list can go on and on. It's up to us to stand up and demand freedom. It's time to become masters of ourselves and no longer allow things and people to in prison us.  Only we can build true mastery to make us stronger and mentally healthier people.  Who are you?  Master or servant?

Acceptance

I feel good. No, I feel great!  I feel stronger and happier than I have in a very long time. I feel like myself again. Only, a different me. (Does that even make sense?) I feel like I have better control over my mind and thoughts and emotions. I'm not perfect and I never will be. Surprisingly, I'm ok with that.

So after discussing my discovery of feeling great and mentally healthy and strong, my mentor, Jess asked what got me to this place. I thought about it a lot. I think there are several contributing factors that I could thank for getting me to this point. However, I have to give a big standing ovation to a tough but very helpful skill my therapist Landry taught me. Thank you "reality acceptance"!

For those of you who have never heard of "reality acceptance" before, let me briefly explain to you how this tool has helped me get through my rough times. Basically, when things are hard or rough, I mentally acknowledge that things are hard and give myself permission to feel whatever feelings are associated with it. Then if I don't like the situation I can move to change it.

Let me share with you an example. The place I go to therapy is pretty intense. Part of the check in process is weighing in when I visit my therapist each week.  I don't ever see the numbers, but it still caused me big time anxiety. All week I'd worry about what the scale would say. I'd try planning my wardrobe around weighing, picking out the clothes I felt were the lightest. I would get very anxious before every appointment. I even considered stopping therapy because I hated weighing in SO much. But once I learned about acceptance, I went right to work and decided to use it on this weekly cause of anxiety and unhappiness. I basically sat myself down and gave myself a little pep talk. I reminded myself that weighing in weekly takes all of 3 minutes and then it's over. I've never been fussed at or belittled for the number on the scale. It is simply a measuring tool to determine my over all health and recovery. It's only 3 minutes!  Yes, it's scary and makes me anxious. That ok. However, it's only three minutes!  After it's over, I am fine!  So accept that it's uncomfortable for those three minutes, but there is no reason to fret and worry about it all week!

That's it!  I accepted that it's hard and uncomfortable for me to weigh every week. By validating my feelings I'm stronger and more able to move past it. I can't change it and I still get anxious right before I weigh in, but I remind myself that it's ok to feel that way instead of beating myself up and working myself up into a full blown anxiety attack.  Then I give myself the three minutes it takes to weigh in to be uncomfortable and then I move away from that worry and don't allow it to hold me down.

It's so basic and simple.  Its also very gentle and nurturing. Instead of being harsh and judgmental with my thoughts and feelings, I am learning to accept them. There is no pushing uncomfortable feelings and experiences away. It's all about accepting and then being strong and moving past it.

Learning to Love My Worst Enemy

After my very first session with my therapist in South Carolina, she told me I might feel physically and emotionally exhausted. She encouraged me to take it easy that day and then said four words that have often replayed in my mind over and over since that day. "Be gentle with yourself!"

I consider myself very blessed to come from an amazing and loving family. I never doubted that my parents love me. I was taken care of, spoiled just enough, and cherished. But one person was harder on me than anyone else. That person pushed, belittled, demanded, shamed, drove, and chastised. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I felt like this person hated and despised me. That person was me. I always hated looking at myself in the mirror. I hated seeing pictures of me.  Compliments embarrassed me.  I worked hard to be "perfect" but I always told myself I was far from it.  However, I demanded of myself to maintain the facade of a perfect girl. I felt like a hypocrite, knowing I was flawed and imperfect, yet constantly struggling to maintain a "perfect" image.  I was my own worst enemy!

And then, four words. I don't remember much else from that first session.  It had been a VERY hard day and I was physically and emotionally drained. I went home and those words played over and over in my head. The eating disorder (ED) did not like those words. ED's favorite dish is self hatred. He feast on it!  But that day was my first step in actually helping myself. So I followed the advice of my therapist and took it easy that afternoon. I allowed myself to relax.

I can't promise you that it's been all rainbows and butterflies since then. Overcoming hate is not like flipping a switch.  Like so many things it life, it's all about baby steps. One of the next major discoveries to help me learn to be more gentle with myself was noticing how I treat others compared to how I treat myself. I fret and worry about and serve and love my friends at all times.  I am patient and understanding. I would never belittle or verbally attack my friends. I only want to build them up and help them realize how amazing and special they are. Why couldn't I do the same for myself.

So I'm learning. And it IS difficult. Somedays I feel selfish...but that's the self hate talking. Somedays I feel fat and ugly. Somedays I feel unworthy of self kindness. On these days, the best thing I can do is to think the opposite, even if I don't believe it or really feel it!  When I do that, and allow myself to be gentle with me, I feel a little surge of power. Sometimes, I even see a little bit of a Rosalind that I like. I've always admired strong confident women. It's rewarding to see bits of strong, confident me trying to shine through the shell of doubt and dislike that has cocooned me for so long.

So, to all who read my blog...today (and everyday) be gentle with yourself!  As Christopher Germer says, "A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day.  A string of such moments can change the course of your life."  So, grant yourself a little grace. Excuse your faults and imperfections. Honestly acknowledge your talents and goodness. Everyone deserves to feel loved, especially by themselves.

Traveling with an Unwanted Travel Companion

I love the word "wanderlust".  It's the perfect word to describe my insashable cravings to travel and see new places. If money grew on trees I would go some place new every month. I'm talking serious around the world travel here folks!  My list of places I dream of visiting is too long to even list!  And I can't pick my top ten places I want to visit because I could not even began to narrow my list down.  I want to see it ALL!

Traveling isn't always easy. You have language barriers, jet lag, lost luggage, forgotten necessary items, and other travel challenges. However these can be easily remedied and most well traveled folks learn to deal with these inconvienances.

However, there is one travel problem that's a little harder to fix and deal with...bringing ED (eating disorder) with you when you travel.

Because most travel involves being gone a day or more, you have to eat. In the past before ED took charge, I actually enjoyed eating new things and the lazy attitude of giving up control of food to whatever and whenever.  Now, despite working to recover, I struggle with lots of anxiety and guilt around food.  This is even more difficult when travels lead us to staying with friends and family at their homes.

These feeling aren't exclusive to travel...they also pop up at social gatherings, large dinner parties, and sometimes even lunch with a friend. But with travel, it is 24 hours a day for days and days. It honestly gets exhausting.  When ED had control, I had a pretty short list of "safe" foods.  Although I worked with a nutritionist for a short time on expanding my menu, I still have some food hang ups. I still like very specific foods at certain meals. I try to avoid sugar desserts.  I'm a bit obsessed with protein consumption.  I only like specific between meal "snacks"...when I eat a snack.  Partly I think these rigid food ideas give me comfort because I do like things to be the same. I am perfectly happy eating Greek yogurt with pumpkin seed flax granola every morning!  But, I know there will be times I can not eat that and I have to accept that and not let it bother me. Sometimes, that's easier said than done.

So, when I win a billion dollars from a lottery I never play, I guess I will just give up my list of places I want to go visit. It's too hard with ED as a travel companion.  Hello?  I'm not giving up my travel dreams!  Even though it will be challenging and sometimes vey hard, I will just have to deal with it.  Besides, I've had wanderlust much longer than ED. He can stay home! I just won't be buying ED a ticket!