Living in Fear

Ok, I admit it. I'm a scaredy cat!  As a child I was scared of nuclear war.  As a teen I was scared of growing up.  Even as an adult, I still have many fears. My extreme fear of snakes is pretty well known amongst my friends and family.  I'm afraid of my kids getting hurt. I'm afraid of driving in unknown places, especially at night. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid to take risks.
My husband and I were talking about a future business opportunity. The idea was exciting and challenging. As we discussed it in greater detail I realized that my husband was seriously considering this and then the cold wave of fear started to overcome me. I am getting better about sharing my feelings, so I told him that I was scared by this idea. When he asked me why, the reason came spilling out if me before I could filter my feelings. I was scared I couldn't manage and it would fail. My daughters, master eavesdroppers, rushed into the kitchen where I was talking with my hubby. They buried me in all the wisdom of their 12 and 10 years of life experience.
"Mom, you won't look back and regret taking a chance, but you will regret not trying."
"You will miss 100% of shots you don't take."
After hearing their advice, I quickly dismissed it. They have so little life experience. They don't understand how scary life is. Then I stopped that thinking dead in its tracks.  Maybe I was the one that didn't understand. Maybe their child like faith simply took the place of fear. I remembered something I read last year by Brent Neilsen, "Fear is the opposite of faith. If you have fear, faith diminishes, but if you have faith, fear diminishes."
When I finally admitted to myself that I needed help overcoming my eating disorder, my friend got me the name of a specialized therapist. It took me weeks to work up the courage to call. Then it took several weeks to get in to see her. I will never forget how positively terrified I was that first time I went. I was so nervous and afraid I was physically sick. I remember sitting in the waiting area literally chanting over and over in my mind, "Faith not fear!  Faith not fear!" I wanted so badly to jump in my car and go home. I was afraid to confront my problems. It took several visits for me to overcome this fear.
The thing about fear is it can really prevent a person from living. There are so many things to be afraid of. At some point you just have to say "ENOUGH!  I'm not going to live in fear!"  I look back to my life before I saw my therapist and I think how different things would be if I had let fear prevent me from getting help.  I remember the hopelessness.  I remember how sick and weak I felt. I remember how in my attempts to gain control I had completely lost all control. I was scared, lost, unwell, unhappy, and full of fear.
Sometimes, as I reflect on my journey to overcome my eating disorder I see a glimpse of the strength I have gained. It is in these moments I understand the words of Larry Gibbons, "It is hard to build faith in the noonday sun. When the night is dark and the clouds are thick, we have an opportunity to put our hand in the Lord’s hand and rely on Him to help us through. Doing so strengthens our faith."  This time of trial has been the time for me to learn faith over fear.
About snakes...don't go getting all crazy!  I'm still terrified of them!

Unleash the Beast

I've never been an aggressive person.  Loyal...yes!  Passionate...yes!  But never aggressive. Contention and anger actually make me physically sick to my stomach and I do all in my power to avoid them. It doesn't even have to be directed at me, I still internalize the anger and it makes me sick and anxious. Despite my issues with anger, there have been a few times in my life when I have totally lost control. I don't really like the way that feels either.  One time was after a lady hit my car with my sister and children riding with me.  The lady had been careless and I felt like she seriously put my children in danger with her carelessness. I honestly felt like punching her lights out!  Lucky for me (and her) after I screamed at her and saw how scared she was of me I instantly felt ashamed and backed down. That was over four years ago.  But after a night last year I can tell you, the beast inside of me is not dead!

One of the tools I'm learning to use from my superhero (therapist) in overcoming my eating disorder is assertiveness. This has never been an easy characteristic for me.  First of all I have a hard time with moderation which makes differentiating between aggression and assertiveness difficult.  And second, I always want to be accommodating and laid back, and never a problem for someone else. I will go out to eat with friends to a place I don't even like and never say anything. I will wear clothes my mom sends me even if I don't like them.  I always let my husband pick out the movies we watch. When a friend offers me something to drink at her house I pretty much always say no thank you, even if I'm thirsty.  I've never thought of any of these examples as a flaw.  However, as of late, I've started thinking, "Why should I not voice my opinion and do what makes me happy?"   Why can't I make another restaurant suggestion?  Why can't I thank my mom for the shirt but tell her it's not my style?  Why can't I pick out a romance for movie night, just once?  Why can't I say, "Yes, I'd love a glass of water!"?

My superhero did warn me that when learning to be assertive the pendulum can swing too far the other direction and I can go from passive, right pass assertive over to aggressive.  So I've really thought about what these three words mean.  My definition of these three characteristics are as follows:
Passive: putting others needs and wants above your own, even if it makes you unhappy and/or uncomfortable; feeling like others needs are more important than your needs which can lead to people taking advantage of you.
Assertive: standing up for yourself, making your feeling and thoughts known, but never pushing them on others or at the expense of someone else's happiness, standing your ground when it means a lot to you
Aggressive: forcing your thoughts and opinions on others, bullying people (physically, emotionally, or verbally) to see things your way; attacking; not able to compromise.

So pretty much all my life I've been pretty much passive with an occasional gentle swing into assertive and a rare drastic swing into aggressive. But recently I took a path less traveled WAY into the dark scary forest of Aggression and met the beast.   Here is my travel tale:

I was watching my brother coach at a high school JV football game.  I was with my mom and sister. A visiting fan from the other team went and got the police and complained about some of the high school students sitting many rows above her and her husband. They were being kids...laughing loud, cheering, being crazy teenagers. So the police went up and literally stayed right up there with them for the rest of the game - silencing the fun and cheering. My mother was bothered by that and after the game she went up to the officers and told them, "Those kids weren't doing anything wrong. I don't know what that lady's problem was!" Well the lady and her husband were standing right behind my mom and the husband went berserk!  He was yelling and ranting and raving and my mom was giving it right back to him. The police said, "That's enough!  That's enough!" But the guy kept yelling at my mom. That's when I snapped. From the deep dark forest of aggression came the beast. With eyes red as hot coals and smoke curling out of its nostrils the beast flew in. I got up in the mans face and yelled "THEY SAID ENOUGH!"  The beast tensed its muscles, waiting!  The man started yelling at me!  The beast swooped in to attack. I lunged at the man.  Hands grabbed me and pulled me back.  The beast was ready to attack. Then I heard the police say "It will only make this worse if I have to arrest you!"  The beast was gone! The words were like a bucket of cold water bringing me back to reality and forcing the beast back into the dark forest of Aggression.  We left the stadium WITH a police officer escorting us out.  My adrenaline was pumping. I felt strong.  Holy cow!  I almost got arrested!!!!   I almost got arrested!!!!

As those words played over and over in my mind I realized I had ridden that pendulum WAY to the other side. I took it all the way into the deep dark dreary forest of Aggression and had unleashed the beast.  I had missed the mark - my arrow should have been aiming for assertive. In the heat of the moment that arrow flew right past it.  Within 12 hours ED (eating disorder) was running his mouth.  "You obviously can't trust yourself to let your feelings out. It would be best to go back to stuffing your feelings deep inside you.  It's  just not safe. You can't control yourself.  Feelings are bad and dangerous.  YOU ALMOST GOT ARRESTED!"  I recognize that voice and I know his advice will not help me in the long run.   My superhero has taught me that recovery is about perseverance. I'm disappointed I missed the assertive mark.  Instead of letting this drag me back in my recovery, I can preserver  and learn from this. Next time I'm in a heated situation it might be a better idea to remove myself and think about the situation. Until I learn how to better control my aim, I need to slow it down.  It's not only OK, but also probably wiser to stop and think about a reaction to a heated situation. So, hurray that I let that arrow fly and didn't let passiveness prevent me from even firing my arrow!  BUT - next time, slow down the shot so the arrow can hit the assertive mark, instead of flying into the dark forest of Aggression.   No one wants me to unleash the beast!

Rage

Ugly screaming rage inside my head
Tells me I'm no good, be better off dead
Reminds me of my imperfections and flaws
Constantly reminding me, never a pause
Rage - full of anger and disgust
Confusing me, ensnaring me, not sure who to trust
I'm not worth it, don't deserve happiness
Filling me full of madness, loneliness, sadness
Then it quiets and I think it's finally departed
But slowly the rage flairs again,  back to where I started.

R Bright 2013

Hiding

I got glasses when I was a senior in high school. However, I started wearing a non-prescription pair earlier than that. I think it was because I liked the way they looked. My prescription still isn't very strong. However, I wear my glasses all day, every day.  A few years ago my husband begged me to try contacts so "my beautiful blue eyes" weren't obstructed by my glasses. I reluctantly agreed. The first day I wore contacts I went right out and got sunglasses. It was then I realized that going out, minus my glasses, made me almost anxious. I felt like people could look right into my eyes and see into my soul. I needed my glasses in order to hide.

Recently I had a conversation with one of my very supportive friends through texting. In my struggle to over come my eating disorder, I've hit a bump. I mustered up the courage to text her and ask for help in the form of encouragement and prayers. As usual, she was wonderful and supportive. But when she encouraged me to talk to someone about it, I told her, "It's just so hard to talk about. That's why I text you instead of call."  Her response hit me right between the eyes (but luckily didn't break my glasses).  "Maybe you need to face it head on instead of hiding behind the phone?  It may help to just really truly talk about it."

It's true. I hide from talking about my problems. I will text or write a letter, but when it comes to verbalizing my feelings face to face, I just can't do it. Actually, I can...I'm physically able to talk. I just don't like to. What am I hiding from?

When I write my feelings are black and white.  I can take as long as I want to think about what I'm going to put in a sentence. And, once that sentence is done, I can change it or totally omit it.  If I get emotional, no one sees. They may sense from my writing that I have intense feelings, but it is emotion with a paper barricade.

Upon further thought on this topic I realize I hide in other ways too. I hide behind the nice, happy, smiling girl. I always try to be the easy friend, wife, mother, daughter, sister.  I let others pick where we eat and what we do. I try to go above and beyond for my friends. I work very hard to make people laugh.  What am I hiding?  I'm hiding the person I see in the mirror...the person who is not always happy and who is so flawed I'm sure no one could possibly like or love her.

I hide behind eating, or rather not eating. Obviously with an eating disorder, food is an issue. With food I'm hiding from feeling out of control. I'm hiding from any feelings that I define as bad. By restricting, I feel like I have the ultimate control.  Having a sad day...that feels out of control, I just won't eat and thus I have ultimate control.  Feeling tired...that feels out of control, I just won't eat and thus I gain back the control.

The thing I'm learning about hiding, is that it is lonely. When you hide you are alone.  When I don't talk to people they can't help me. Even the best of writing lacks pure human emotion and readers can misinterpret the writers feelings. When I hide behind happy girl, I'm not allowing others to know the real me. How can I be a true friend when people don't really know who I am?  When I hide behind food, I miss the opportunity to be human and to experience all the range of emotions. I also fall into the trap that by restricting my eating I have ultimate control. The truth is, I end up being dangerously out of control.

I can't promise this epiphany means no more hiding. I am going to be more mindful of hiding.  The glasses stay, though.  I think I look rather clever in glasses.

Routine: Change isn't always a bad thing!

It's ironic that someone who has had so much change in her life would dislike change. It's just another enigma of my personality.  Since I moved every three or four years as a kid, one would think change would come easy for me. However, I am most comfortable in routine and tradition. For example, we always sit at the same spot around the dinner table. Even when I am home alone, I sit in my spot. Holidays are especially filled with routine and tradition...from food to activities. I just like things to stay the same. One time our old neighborhood expanded and opened a new entrance.  It was much closer for me to get in and out but I just didn't ever remember to use it. I'm such a creature of habit that even a new, quicker, better  route is just beyond my natural ability.
With all that said, therapy is difficult for those that despise change. Therapy is ALL about change.  So when I started meeting with my "superhero" (therapist), I initially felt like I'd never be able to make the changes we discussed. I would make the excuse that it was just too hard. My "superhero" gave me a great visual that helped me accept that even though it is hard, it can be done with perseverance and dedication.
Imagine a sandy hill.  As you stand at the top you roll a marble down the hill. It slowly carves a path in the sand. Each time you roll the marble down that path it goes down the hill easier and easier. It groves the path out. If you want to change the path, it takes some time and effort. The marble naturally wants to take the path that has been worn out and has the least resistance.  With work and redirection and careful attention to following a new path, the marble can change direction.
During my struggle with an eating disorder, I had lots of destructive paths I was sending my marble down.  Each day was very ritualistic.  One path I realized early on that I needed to change was breakfast.  I've never been a huge breakfast eater, but during my struggles with ED I found that by putting breakfast off I could go longer without eating. After talking with my nutritionist, I came to realize that the sooner I eat breakfast after waking up, the better off I am at getting my meals in. This was a hard path to change.  Many morning I woke up and immediately started dreading the fact that I knew I had to eat breakfast sooner than later. Honestly, some mornings I was gagging down breakfast and resenting every bite. However, after lots of perseverance and dedication and hard work, I got my marble to go down a new path.
One rare morning I woke up later than usual due to a free unscheduled Saturday.  As I opened my eyes and lay there enjoying a lazy morning, I realized I was actually hungry. My new path for my marble was ready for its run. So I got up and rolled my marble down its new path on the hill and ate breakfast!  

I Will Survive! Music and Feelings

I love music. I always have and I'm pretty sure I ALWAYS will. I'm not picky about my music. I like music across all ages and genres. From Shostakovich's fifth symphony to Coolio's "Ganster Paradise", classic Beatles or Zeppelin's classic rock, smooth Nat King Cole with big band backup  or Maroon 5's easy on the eyes and ears, Adam Levine; my music taste runs the gauntlet.  I listen to old and new country, disco, rap, Gregorian chanting monks, alternative, church music, Motown, top 20, Broadway musicals, hippie, grunge, hip hop, bluegrass,  rock and roll, soul, folk, Indian Bollywood, oldies, contemporary, and (one of my favorites) movie sound tracks.
The brilliant Leonard Cohen said "Music is the emotional life of most people." That would be a true statement for me.  Music makes me feel all kinds of emotions.  Sometimes music makes me really sad. I've been known to cry a tear or two over a song. Sometimes music makes me happy. Nothing better on a nice sunny day then to roll the windows down, turn the radio up, and sing your heart out to a fast upbeat song that you know ALL of the lyrics.  Sometimes music makes me mad. The beat pumps and the singers voice can't hide frustration, hurt or anger.  I quickly find myself caught up in the rage.  Sometimes music makes me feel brave and invincible.  EYE OF THE TIGER- need I say more? I recently realized I easily allow these feelings to come and go while listening to music (without any thought to blocking them), but as soon as I feel the same feelings because of real life, I push them down and try to suppress them.  Feelings from music start with the song and end with the song. When the song is over, the feeling ends and the next song brings a new feeling.  But with feelings from life, I fear that the feelings (especially ones I label bad or negative) will never end.  However, thanks to my superhero (therapist) I learned that feelings are...well, they are just feelings.  And like the feelings I experience with music, life's feelings come and go.  It's much healthier to feel life's feeling.  Let them wash over you. Then once you've felt them, let the feelings end...just like with a song!  So, I know what some of you are thinking.  "I don't want to feel certain feelings."   Well, I hear you!  Really I do!

I had another change in thought about feelings while I was...you guessed it...listening to music!  I was listening to one of my favorite soundtracks.  It's all instrumental.  I've never even seen the movie, but I love the music simply for the music.  It is beautiful. I was listening to it and just really letting the feelings of the music wash over me...happy, intense, peaceful, sad, thoughtful, even a little scary. Now, if that sound track only had happy songs it would be kind of boring. The highs and lows, the crescendos and decrescendos, the major and minor keys, the slow, sweet, solo flute or the haunting strings all gliding together through the arrangement...these all give the music different emotion which makes the soundtrack fuller and richer.  So it is with life.  Feeling  happiness all the time is not only boring and pretty much impossible, but it also takes the richness out of our life's soundtrack.   The great psychotherapist Carl Jung wisely stated, " Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity."  

A few weeks ago I heard a song that I'd always liked. However, because of my struggle to overcome an eating disorder, the lyrics took on a new meaning to me.  The feelings this song gave me were no longer the happy go lucky feelings of a girl who didn't really relate to the song. The song now makes me feel strong and empowered.  I dedicate this next song to E.D.

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
And so you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
With that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with "your lies" (lyric modification)
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive
I will survive (hey-hey)

It took all the strength I had
Not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend
The pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
And you see me
Somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
Still in "need of" you
And so you felt like dropping in
And just expect me to be free
And now I'm saving all my loving
For someone who's loving me

Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with "your lies"
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
Oh as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive
I will survive

Next time you listen to music be mindful of the feelings it brings over you.   Acknowledge them and watch them fade away with the ending of one song and beginning of another. Then next time you feel a strong feeling from life...let it come. Be mindful and wait for that "song" in your life to end.   If the feelings are unpleasant or uncomfortable, remember a happy song is always coming up soon on the playlist of life. You will survive!  Hey-Hey!

SUPERHERO

Everyone loves a Superhero!  But not all superheroes are alike. Not all superheroes wear brightly colored tights and a satin cape. My superhero wears sassy boots and smartly tailored clothes. Not all superheroes fly off into the night sky to a dramatic soundtrack. My superhero drives off into the sunset in a sensible car while listening to her "secret" soundtrack of choice...disco.  Not all superheroes have X-ray vision for added sight ability or laser vision to melt things. My superhero wears chic glasses but they don't help her see through steal plated bank vaults. It is her heart and talents that help her see right through people and sense their moods and feelings. Not all superheroes have a secret lair.  My superhero's secret lair is cleverly disguised as a comfy office... complete with plush couches, throw rugs, a snoring bulldog named Lilly, and a warm inviting atmosphere that welcomes everyone.  Not all superheros have a sidekick. My superhero doesn't have a sidekick, she has a whole team of sidekicks! Her team is friendly and personable. Her team is one of her ultimate super powers!  Not all superheroes defeat villains after listening to long monologues full of self incriminating admissions. Not all superheroes finish off the bad guy with a POW! or WHAM!  But all superheroes save people...including my superhero.
My superhero DOES have a villain, one she's been fighting for a long time. Although she's never laid eyes this villain she knows his M.O.   She has studied his tricks and traps and has gathered many eye witness accounts from his victims.  She is not tricked by his shifty ways. She knows the damage and destruction that he is capable of and works tirelessly to provide citizens of this great city with a fully armed tool belt to defeat him.  Because she's never met him face to face, there is no dramatic POW! or WHAM! as she fights him.  However, I don't doubt for one minute that if she ran into him on the street she wouldn't hesitate to hit him with an uppercut or left hook to the jaw!  Besides, my superhero delivers plenty of figurative POW!s and WHAM!s to her fierce foe.  She fights the villain known as ED-eating disorder. ED tricked me. He made me believe he was my friend, a good guy, on my side. But while I was distracted with his rules and lengthy monologues, he trapped me. I found myself so ensnared that I couldn't get out and I was on my way to certain doom and destruction. But with a cry for help, my superhero came flying in to my rescue. She freed me from the trap and gave me tools to fight that dastardly villain ED now and next time he tries to ensnare me.
Once as I sat in her "secret lair", a mother and daughter walked in. The mothers face read like a book; uncertainty, fear, worry, anxiety. I wanted to reach over and hold her hand and tell her she and her daughter would be ok. After all, they were in the capable hands of a superhero! Some people might call her a therapist, but she will always be my superhero.  (Insert disco soundtrack here!)