The Scariest Thing in Life

I'm not a fan of scary things. I don't like haunted houses.  I don't like horror movies. I don't even like my kids to jump out from around the corner and yell "Boo!"  I'm a huge scaredy-cat. But this week I've learned the scariest thing in life.  Worded perfectly by the young pop star, Demi Lavato, "One of the most scariest things in life, is when you come to the realization that the only thing that can save you is yourself." 

I've been struggling pretty bad with my eating disorder (ED) for several weeks. That's the hard part of recovery...some days are awesome and easy and sometimes things are really hard and horrible. These past several weeks have been the later. Most of that time was spent knowing I was slipping but keeping it to myself. I feel ashamed, embarrassed, and guilty when I feel ED pushing back into my life. I debated talking to my therapist about what was going on at our well timed appointment last week. But the weight of it was hanging visibly on my shoulders and she knew something was up. Weeks of internal turmoil and struggle poured out with the smallest amount of questioning. It was one of the most difficult sessions I've had. But still, I left feeling unwilling to change and honestly, I still felt alone. 

ED thrives on isolation. Loneliness is one of my biggest fears. So ED uses that and convinces me that with my eating disorder I'll never be alone. Ironically, that is when I feel most alone. Luckily, I have amazingly supportive family and friends. I know I'm not easy to deal with when I have ED in my mind. Despite this, I have this great support team that checks in on me, reassures me, gives it to me straight, and encourages me. These are not trained ED specialist or therapist. But nearly all of them have taken time to learn about and educate themselves about my disorder and what it's all about. This makes me feel like despite my problems, they do love me. I'd like to say all this fantastic support is enough, but if I'm honest, it isn't. 

One night this week, I reached out to my therapist. I was still struggling. My mind was saying, "Restrict!  Restrict!  It's comforting. It's what you want!  Your therapy has taught you to stand up for yourself, so stand up for restricting.  It's what you want!"  But a little piece of my heart was not fooled by this train of thought. I contacted my therapist. Her response was a reminder of tools I could use to fix the situation. But instead of jumping right to work with the suggested tools I became mad, frustrated, and actually pretty angry. My thought was, I asked for help and she gives me more work. I flat out told her I couldn't do it. She recommended different tools and once again I was angry. I threw in the towel that night. 

The next day I was still very unsettled. Although my mind was convinced restricting is what I wanted, I couldn't sit with that. I contact a friend who also has struggled with eating disorders. I told her, "In therapy I learn to stand up for myself. Now what I want is to restrict. Of course no one else thinks that's a good idea. I'm just torn. Do I keep doing what I want or do I once again do what pleases everyone else. Is this really what I want or is ED using therapy against me."  I knew she would understand and I didn't want more tools or suggestions for fixing things. Her reply was honest and made me stop and think.  "When the eating disorder starts making us think that its orders are 'what we really want'....that's when I think it gets dangerous. I think you probably agree, because underneath your words I think *you* are scared (I starred "you" because it's the you underneath, not your eating disorder, that's scared. The ED gets scared when you go against it). I think...you're scared to go against it. I think that the most important thing right now is to ask yourself some questions. Why do you think you are *wanting* your eating disorder so much right now?  Wanting to restrict, wanting to listen to your eating disorder....cause no, I don't believe that's you, Rosalind, who truly wants to restrict. I think the ED wants you to think that, and yes, is using therapy and recovery against you."

Yes I am scared. And I think that little part of my heart that keeps reaching out is the part that knows this restrictive behavior isn't ok. It's the part that recognizes the eating disorder and knows it has no place in a happy, healthy me. But I also think I'm scared because despite my great supportive and loving family and friends, I am the "only thing that can save myself"!  Admitting that here, now, it scares me. I lack a strong faith in myself. I doubt my strength and commitment to fight my way through this. Yes, I am scared.  And I'm not a fan of scary things.