Hanging on to the Monkey Bars for Dear Life
The one constant in this life is change! My journey to recovery has repeatedly testified of this. This week I found out that because of policy changes (at Eating Recovery Center where I go for counseling), I will no longer be able to work with my dear therapist. To say I was devastated is putting it mildly. I had to read the email several times before I could actually believe what it said. I was angry, sad, scared, and very unsure. Of course my eating disorder (ED) had lots to say about it too! Like a broken record in my head, I kept hearing reasons why I didn’t belong at ERC or working with a therapist. “You don’t even have an eating disorder. You aren’t sick enough. If you really needed help the eating disorder community wouldn’t be kicking you out.” I tried to put on a brave face but I didn’t fool anyone and my girls asked their daddy why I was so sad. I was so VERY SAD!
Reaching out saved the day as usual. At first I was embarrassed to tell people. I was starting to think the ED thoughts might be true and others might think the same. But when a FB memory popped up with the serenity prayer that I posted three years ago when I was seriously struggling with my eating disorder, I felt promoted to share it again. The Facebook post was vague and cryptic (and I really dislike those types of post). I was just really too embarrassed to share. However, I have been blessed with many great family members and friends and quickly I was receiving lots of private inquiries about if I was ok. I swallowed my pride and updated my FB post to share the news about losing my therapist.
Sharing is a good thing. The love and support from family and friends came pouring into my Facebook feed and through text messages. One dear wise friend in particular made a comment that stopped me in my tracks. The words of her message that pierced my heart were “…there may be a reason this is happening…maybe it is because there is an even better solution working its way to you.” Honestly this isn’t what I wanted to hear. In my mind and heart, losing my therapist was devastating and I could not see any silver lining. But I couldn’t get those words out of my mind.
C.S. Lewis said, “Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” Working with my therapist is like crossing the monkey bars. I have been working so hard with my therapist to get from the eating disorder side to the recovery side. I can see recovery and we had a plan all in place. However, that set of monkey bars has suddenly ended short of where I hoped to be. Still, I have been holding on to those monkey bars for dear life! I am too afraid to let go. There are other monkey bars that can get me to the recovery side, but I have to let go and switch monkey bars.
C.S Lewis isn’t the only person to leave the world with a brilliant quote on this issue! Nelson Mandela said, “It always seems impossible until it’s done.” Lao Tzu said, “New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” Marilyn Monroe said, “Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” Martin Luther King said, “You don’t have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step.” And finally, the all wise Maria von Trapp quoting the Mother Superior said, “When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.” Working toward recovery has taught me that all of these are true! Can these great lessons not also apply to this very unfortunate trial of losing my trusted and amazing therapist? Yes!
I’m still working on the courage to find the new money bars to recovery. I know what I HAVE to do. And, one thing I have decided firm and true is that I do not want to go back to the eating disorder side! I might have to go back a few rungs on the monkey bar to move forward, but my destination remains the same! Recovery!
