You'd think that one who had experienced so much change in life would be used to it and would learn to accept it. On the contrary...I despise it more every time it weasels its way into my life. Some guy named Hugh Prather said it best, "Just when I think I have learned the way to live, life changes!"
My aversion to change was a huge stumbling block in my eating disorder recovery. I learned that an eating disorder is simply a coping mechanism. It's even very effective, albeit VERY dangerous. One of the many uncomfortable feelings I used my eating disorder to cope with was change. So having to CHANGE how I deal with coping with CHANGE was pretty difficult.
I had been pretty distracted about this current round of changes going on in my life. I knew it was coming but I was able to acknowledge that it was coming and then put it aside. I've been proud that I've had a great and healthy summer instead of worrying and freaking out over this change. However, a few days ago, I couldn't put it aside any more. It was here! Cue waves of anxiety and floods of emotion. Will my Eating Disorder (ED) fit on the moving truck?
It's when my emotions and anxiety are intense that I really feel the tug of war back to my eating disorder. It's super noticeable now that I can now go weeks without thinking about my eating disorder or having disordered thoughts. The awesome thing is I now know better how to handle it. I have to be extra vigilant about eating. I need plenty of rest. I use tools I learned in therapy. AND I am very mindful of my thoughts. (I know I am not my thoughts. Just because I think something doesn't mean I have to do it.)
I can't change change. But as the country music singer Jimmy Dean said, "I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." I'll just adjust my sails and maintain my recovery journey! No room for ED on this moving truck! On ward to the next chapter!
