Hiding

I got glasses when I was a senior in high school. However, I started wearing a non-prescription pair earlier than that. I think it was because I liked the way they looked. My prescription still isn't very strong. However, I wear my glasses all day, every day.  A few years ago my husband begged me to try contacts so "my beautiful blue eyes" weren't obstructed by my glasses. I reluctantly agreed. The first day I wore contacts I went right out and got sunglasses. It was then I realized that going out, minus my glasses, made me almost anxious. I felt like people could look right into my eyes and see into my soul. I needed my glasses in order to hide.

Recently I had a conversation with one of my very supportive friends through texting. In my struggle to over come my eating disorder, I've hit a bump. I mustered up the courage to text her and ask for help in the form of encouragement and prayers. As usual, she was wonderful and supportive. But when she encouraged me to talk to someone about it, I told her, "It's just so hard to talk about. That's why I text you instead of call."  Her response hit me right between the eyes (but luckily didn't break my glasses).  "Maybe you need to face it head on instead of hiding behind the phone?  It may help to just really truly talk about it."

It's true. I hide from talking about my problems. I will text or write a letter, but when it comes to verbalizing my feelings face to face, I just can't do it. Actually, I can...I'm physically able to talk. I just don't like to. What am I hiding from?

When I write my feelings are black and white.  I can take as long as I want to think about what I'm going to put in a sentence. And, once that sentence is done, I can change it or totally omit it.  If I get emotional, no one sees. They may sense from my writing that I have intense feelings, but it is emotion with a paper barricade.

Upon further thought on this topic I realize I hide in other ways too. I hide behind the nice, happy, smiling girl. I always try to be the easy friend, wife, mother, daughter, sister.  I let others pick where we eat and what we do. I try to go above and beyond for my friends. I work very hard to make people laugh.  What am I hiding?  I'm hiding the person I see in the mirror...the person who is not always happy and who is so flawed I'm sure no one could possibly like or love her.

I hide behind eating, or rather not eating. Obviously with an eating disorder, food is an issue. With food I'm hiding from feeling out of control. I'm hiding from any feelings that I define as bad. By restricting, I feel like I have the ultimate control.  Having a sad day...that feels out of control, I just won't eat and thus I have ultimate control.  Feeling tired...that feels out of control, I just won't eat and thus I gain back the control.

The thing I'm learning about hiding, is that it is lonely. When you hide you are alone.  When I don't talk to people they can't help me. Even the best of writing lacks pure human emotion and readers can misinterpret the writers feelings. When I hide behind happy girl, I'm not allowing others to know the real me. How can I be a true friend when people don't really know who I am?  When I hide behind food, I miss the opportunity to be human and to experience all the range of emotions. I also fall into the trap that by restricting my eating I have ultimate control. The truth is, I end up being dangerously out of control.

I can't promise this epiphany means no more hiding. I am going to be more mindful of hiding.  The glasses stay, though.  I think I look rather clever in glasses.

Routine: Change isn't always a bad thing!

It's ironic that someone who has had so much change in her life would dislike change. It's just another enigma of my personality.  Since I moved every three or four years as a kid, one would think change would come easy for me. However, I am most comfortable in routine and tradition. For example, we always sit at the same spot around the dinner table. Even when I am home alone, I sit in my spot. Holidays are especially filled with routine and tradition...from food to activities. I just like things to stay the same. One time our old neighborhood expanded and opened a new entrance.  It was much closer for me to get in and out but I just didn't ever remember to use it. I'm such a creature of habit that even a new, quicker, better  route is just beyond my natural ability.
With all that said, therapy is difficult for those that despise change. Therapy is ALL about change.  So when I started meeting with my "superhero" (therapist), I initially felt like I'd never be able to make the changes we discussed. I would make the excuse that it was just too hard. My "superhero" gave me a great visual that helped me accept that even though it is hard, it can be done with perseverance and dedication.
Imagine a sandy hill.  As you stand at the top you roll a marble down the hill. It slowly carves a path in the sand. Each time you roll the marble down that path it goes down the hill easier and easier. It groves the path out. If you want to change the path, it takes some time and effort. The marble naturally wants to take the path that has been worn out and has the least resistance.  With work and redirection and careful attention to following a new path, the marble can change direction.
During my struggle with an eating disorder, I had lots of destructive paths I was sending my marble down.  Each day was very ritualistic.  One path I realized early on that I needed to change was breakfast.  I've never been a huge breakfast eater, but during my struggles with ED I found that by putting breakfast off I could go longer without eating. After talking with my nutritionist, I came to realize that the sooner I eat breakfast after waking up, the better off I am at getting my meals in. This was a hard path to change.  Many morning I woke up and immediately started dreading the fact that I knew I had to eat breakfast sooner than later. Honestly, some mornings I was gagging down breakfast and resenting every bite. However, after lots of perseverance and dedication and hard work, I got my marble to go down a new path.
One rare morning I woke up later than usual due to a free unscheduled Saturday.  As I opened my eyes and lay there enjoying a lazy morning, I realized I was actually hungry. My new path for my marble was ready for its run. So I got up and rolled my marble down its new path on the hill and ate breakfast!  

I Will Survive! Music and Feelings

I love music. I always have and I'm pretty sure I ALWAYS will. I'm not picky about my music. I like music across all ages and genres. From Shostakovich's fifth symphony to Coolio's "Ganster Paradise", classic Beatles or Zeppelin's classic rock, smooth Nat King Cole with big band backup  or Maroon 5's easy on the eyes and ears, Adam Levine; my music taste runs the gauntlet.  I listen to old and new country, disco, rap, Gregorian chanting monks, alternative, church music, Motown, top 20, Broadway musicals, hippie, grunge, hip hop, bluegrass,  rock and roll, soul, folk, Indian Bollywood, oldies, contemporary, and (one of my favorites) movie sound tracks.
The brilliant Leonard Cohen said "Music is the emotional life of most people." That would be a true statement for me.  Music makes me feel all kinds of emotions.  Sometimes music makes me really sad. I've been known to cry a tear or two over a song. Sometimes music makes me happy. Nothing better on a nice sunny day then to roll the windows down, turn the radio up, and sing your heart out to a fast upbeat song that you know ALL of the lyrics.  Sometimes music makes me mad. The beat pumps and the singers voice can't hide frustration, hurt or anger.  I quickly find myself caught up in the rage.  Sometimes music makes me feel brave and invincible.  EYE OF THE TIGER- need I say more? I recently realized I easily allow these feelings to come and go while listening to music (without any thought to blocking them), but as soon as I feel the same feelings because of real life, I push them down and try to suppress them.  Feelings from music start with the song and end with the song. When the song is over, the feeling ends and the next song brings a new feeling.  But with feelings from life, I fear that the feelings (especially ones I label bad or negative) will never end.  However, thanks to my superhero (therapist) I learned that feelings are...well, they are just feelings.  And like the feelings I experience with music, life's feelings come and go.  It's much healthier to feel life's feeling.  Let them wash over you. Then once you've felt them, let the feelings end...just like with a song!  So, I know what some of you are thinking.  "I don't want to feel certain feelings."   Well, I hear you!  Really I do!

I had another change in thought about feelings while I was...you guessed it...listening to music!  I was listening to one of my favorite soundtracks.  It's all instrumental.  I've never even seen the movie, but I love the music simply for the music.  It is beautiful. I was listening to it and just really letting the feelings of the music wash over me...happy, intense, peaceful, sad, thoughtful, even a little scary. Now, if that sound track only had happy songs it would be kind of boring. The highs and lows, the crescendos and decrescendos, the major and minor keys, the slow, sweet, solo flute or the haunting strings all gliding together through the arrangement...these all give the music different emotion which makes the soundtrack fuller and richer.  So it is with life.  Feeling  happiness all the time is not only boring and pretty much impossible, but it also takes the richness out of our life's soundtrack.   The great psychotherapist Carl Jung wisely stated, " Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity."  

A few weeks ago I heard a song that I'd always liked. However, because of my struggle to overcome an eating disorder, the lyrics took on a new meaning to me.  The feelings this song gave me were no longer the happy go lucky feelings of a girl who didn't really relate to the song. The song now makes me feel strong and empowered.  I dedicate this next song to E.D.

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
And so you're back
From outer space
I just walked in to find you here
With that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
You'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with "your lies" (lyric modification)
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive
I will survive (hey-hey)

It took all the strength I had
Not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend
The pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
And you see me
Somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
Still in "need of" you
And so you felt like dropping in
And just expect me to be free
And now I'm saving all my loving
For someone who's loving me

Go on now go walk out the door
Just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with "your lies"
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
Oh as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive
I will survive

Next time you listen to music be mindful of the feelings it brings over you.   Acknowledge them and watch them fade away with the ending of one song and beginning of another. Then next time you feel a strong feeling from life...let it come. Be mindful and wait for that "song" in your life to end.   If the feelings are unpleasant or uncomfortable, remember a happy song is always coming up soon on the playlist of life. You will survive!  Hey-Hey!

SUPERHERO

Everyone loves a Superhero!  But not all superheroes are alike. Not all superheroes wear brightly colored tights and a satin cape. My superhero wears sassy boots and smartly tailored clothes. Not all superheroes fly off into the night sky to a dramatic soundtrack. My superhero drives off into the sunset in a sensible car while listening to her "secret" soundtrack of choice...disco.  Not all superheroes have X-ray vision for added sight ability or laser vision to melt things. My superhero wears chic glasses but they don't help her see through steal plated bank vaults. It is her heart and talents that help her see right through people and sense their moods and feelings. Not all superheroes have a secret lair.  My superhero's secret lair is cleverly disguised as a comfy office... complete with plush couches, throw rugs, a snoring bulldog named Lilly, and a warm inviting atmosphere that welcomes everyone.  Not all superheros have a sidekick. My superhero doesn't have a sidekick, she has a whole team of sidekicks! Her team is friendly and personable. Her team is one of her ultimate super powers!  Not all superheroes defeat villains after listening to long monologues full of self incriminating admissions. Not all superheroes finish off the bad guy with a POW! or WHAM!  But all superheroes save people...including my superhero.
My superhero DOES have a villain, one she's been fighting for a long time. Although she's never laid eyes this villain she knows his M.O.   She has studied his tricks and traps and has gathered many eye witness accounts from his victims.  She is not tricked by his shifty ways. She knows the damage and destruction that he is capable of and works tirelessly to provide citizens of this great city with a fully armed tool belt to defeat him.  Because she's never met him face to face, there is no dramatic POW! or WHAM! as she fights him.  However, I don't doubt for one minute that if she ran into him on the street she wouldn't hesitate to hit him with an uppercut or left hook to the jaw!  Besides, my superhero delivers plenty of figurative POW!s and WHAM!s to her fierce foe.  She fights the villain known as ED-eating disorder. ED tricked me. He made me believe he was my friend, a good guy, on my side. But while I was distracted with his rules and lengthy monologues, he trapped me. I found myself so ensnared that I couldn't get out and I was on my way to certain doom and destruction. But with a cry for help, my superhero came flying in to my rescue. She freed me from the trap and gave me tools to fight that dastardly villain ED now and next time he tries to ensnare me.
Once as I sat in her "secret lair", a mother and daughter walked in. The mothers face read like a book; uncertainty, fear, worry, anxiety. I wanted to reach over and hold her hand and tell her she and her daughter would be ok. After all, they were in the capable hands of a superhero! Some people might call her a therapist, but she will always be my superhero.  (Insert disco soundtrack here!)