Honesty is the Best Policy

Honesty is a virtue I've been taught the importance of since I was just little. In the Christian world it's one of the Ten Commandments that all religions agree are the basic foundations of righteous living. It's also one area that I feel I do pretty good at.  But now I'm not so sure I've been totally honest in every aspect of my life. 

Eating disorders by nature are very secretive things. There is a high level of hiding, avoiding, and denying. None of those concepts are very honest by nature. However, even on my worst days I felt I had been honest. When asked what I had eaten I would answer honestly, "No much" or "Just some Greek yogurt and trail mix". If asked a question directly about food I may feel uncomfortable but I always gave an honest answer. 

But my pride in being honest through my struggle with anorexia was challenged this week after a visit with my therapist. This visit was very different then my usual visits because this time my hubby came with me. After a rough month, he was feeling a bit unsure as to how to help me. My therapist offered to have him join us.  As he expressed his frustration with know how best to help me, he mentioned that he usually knows when I'm struggling. However when he asks me what's wrong I reply, "nothing" or "I'm fine". I admitted that he was right. That is my reply. 

My therapist asked me why I didn't open up and tell him what was going on?  I told her that I have a hard time admitting to people that I'm struggling. I don't want people to worry. I don't want people to think I'm weak. I don't want people to be disappointed in me. I don't want people to be mad at me. I also told her that sometimes I'm not even sure how I feel until I spend some time thinking about it or writing about it. 

Then came the analogy or the parable of the green lamp: Stephen walks into a room and I point to a blue lamp and say, "Look at this green lamp." He responds, "It's a blue lamp."  I say, "No, it's green."  No matter what I say, Stephen can obviously see the lamp is NOT green!  It's is blue. And no matter how many times I say the lamp is green, it will remain blue. 

The same goes with my feelings and struggles. I can tell Stephen (or my mom, or my friends...) all day long that I'm fine, but it is usually very obvious that I am not fine. I can keep saying I'm fine, but that is just not being honest. This realization made me feel horrible. One of the few things I told myself as I battled with ED is that I was honest. Yet, all the sudden I realized I wasn't honest at all about how I was feeling. 

The trickiest and most cruel trick ED uses is to make you feel isolated and alone. It is a truly horrible feeling. By not being honest about my feelings with my husband and loved ones, I was giving ED even more power. I was helping to seclude myself from support and love. I thought about how hurt I feel when people aren't honest with me. I felt ashamed.  I never intentionally meant to be dishonest with my husband (or anyone) but shielding my feelings and struggles was being totally dishonest. 

The drive home was quiet. Guilt washed over me. I am very sorry to those who I haven't been honest with. But also a new resolve to be more open and HONEST about my feelings filled my heart. Knowing old habits die hard, my therapist helped me plan ahead. Next time Stephen asks me what's wrong - I will either answer honestly OR I will admit that I'm not sure but I will think/write about it and get back to him. If he senses something isn't right, and I tell him I'm fine, he will ask "And is the lamp green?"  Then I will remember that no matter how much I insist the lamp is green, it will always be blue. And everyone can plainly see that.  Honesty is after all, the best policy.