There was a hopeless period in my struggle with an eating disorder when I felt like recovery was not possible. I honestly felt like there was no way I would ever stop having disordered thoughts. I would read about recovery, listen to people talk about their recovery, but never believed it was something that could happen to me. Even saying the word "recovery" felt bitter and false in my mouth.
But something exciting and hopeful has happened in the last several months! I find myself thinking about recovery as something I'm actually working on and climbing into. After my last therapy session I walked out of the building and all the sudden had the strongest urge to shout out for the world to hear, "I'M RECOVERING!" Since I've been well trained by my amazing therapist to think and wonder about my thoughts, I realized the dramatic paradigm change and decided I should investigate.
After lots of pondering on this topic I realized I completely changed my thinking on what recovery "looks" like. When I first started working on beating my eating disorder I thought recovery was never having another disordered thought about eating...never, ever again! So anytime I'd have those thoughts I would become discouraged and frustrated with myself. It was like three steps forward, two steps back. Progress was being made but I was so disheartened. After realizing this, my therapist taught me that my thoughts are not me and I don't have to act on them. She told me that when she sees big stacked displays at the grocery store she always thinks about knocking them over, but that doesn't mean she does it. (Which painted such a funny picture in my mind of my sweet calm therapist running through a store like a one man demolition team destroying the huge towering displays of boxed soda or paper towels. The visual still makes me smile!)
That's when I knew that my thoughts might never change. Eating might always cause certain feelings, anxiety, and disordered thoughts...under certain circumstances. However, I could learn to deal with those thoughts without giving into them. This was easier to understand than to accept. For many weeks I feel like I mourned the demise of my unrealistic view of what recovery was. I felt overwhelmed by the thought of having the eating disorder in my head for the rest of my life. But slowly a new picture of recovery was coming into focus in my mind.
And then, another big change happened. One day I realized I had not thought about my eating disorder in a long time. Maybe it had even been a whole week! The thing about an eating disorder is it completely takes over your brain. It's 24/7 on your mind. At my worst it was almost debilitating. I literally had so little room for other thoughts in my mind that I felt like a recluse, although I was surrounded by people. As I worked on overcoming my eating disorder my mind vastly opened up, but IT was still there occupying it's little corner of my mind. Lately, I guess my eating disorder has been taking vacations. (That's fine by me!) I notice more frequent periods of time when I don't think about it. This has given me a new prospect on what recovery feels like.
The final difference in my view on recovery is actually a huge change in my thinking about everything. Another trick eating disorders play on your mind is it makes you color blind. Everything is black and white. You are fat or you are skinny. You are pigging out or you are eating nothing. You are weighing every day or you can't weigh at all. You eat one or you eat all. You are the happiest you've ever been or you are in the depths of despair. You are worth it or you are worthless. You are loved or you are hated. You have lots of support or you are completely alone. I could go on. Black and white thinking is dangerous. It's another trap eating disorders use to keep you from recovery. However, as I worked with my therapist and as I did the work to take back control of my mind I started seeing colors again. All the sudden my black and white thinking about recovery was being challenged. Either you never have another disordered thought again (recovered) or you can only think disordered thoughts (not recovered). I realized the fallacy in that thought. I saw some purple where I might still struggle with social eating but still go out to eat with friends. I saw some red where I am having a stressful day but still take care of my nutritional needs. I see some green when I listen to my body and feed it when it's hungry and stop when it's full. The whole rainbow of colors is there!
I used to avoid the word recovery. Now, I find it often bouncing around in my mind. I find it more on the tip of my tongue and it tastes a lot sweeter now. I shared with my mentor about my changes in my thoughts on recovery and her response really rang true to me. "I have come to know that recovery is nothing tangible - it’s a process of growth, transformation, and self discovery. We can’t articulate it for anybody else and we only know what it means to us through our own unique felt sense of moving through it." I'm grateful for my new, hard earned understanding. I'm extra grateful to feel like I'm now on the path of recovery. Am I recovered? Finished? Done? No, and I'm ok with that. I'm still working, learning, and progressing. I don't think I ever want to stop moving forward. I'm not recovered...I'm recovering. And it feels great!
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