Skeleton in the Closet - It's time to tell my daughter

After opening up about my struggle with an eating disorder on this blog I have felt so much freedom. It has been very therapeutic and any comments from friends and family have been supportive. Over all it's been a positive experience. There is one place that my eating disorder is still hidden like a skeleton in a closet. There is still one place that I have to guard what I say. There is still one place where I'm a closed book. That place is my home. My husband knows what is going on and has been supportive. However, my children do not know. I'm sure they suspect something. For two summers in a row I've left once a week for a mystery "appointment". When I'm in the clutches of the eating disorder I'm distracted, aloof, impatient, unpredictable, and unhappy. Just because they are children doesn't mean they are oblivious. Despite what they have observed, I've never come right out and told them, "I have an eating disorder."  But lately I've been thinking a lot about telling my oldest. This is a big deal!

I still really struggle with feeling like I should just stop having an eating disorder. I've read lots of literature, I know it's not something you choose to have or not have. It's a disease.  But I still struggle with feeling like I should be strong enough and in control enough to just stop.  These thoughts bring lots of frustration self-doubt and discouragement. Part of the reason I've always been afraid to talk to my kids about my eating disorder is I've been afraid that they will "choose" to have an eating disorder since I have one. I worry that me telling them will give them an excuse to give into disordered eating behaviors. As I slowly change my beliefs I am realizing one doesn't choose to have an eating disorder. By telling my children, I will not be starting or stoping the chance of them having an eating disorder.  

In all actuality, genetics play a pretty significant role in eating disorders. That is something I can't change or control.  But if I am brave enough to pull down my barrier and share my struggles and pain (as well as my hard work and progress) with my children, then maybe it will open up the doors of communication. I wouldn't wish an eating disorder on my worst enemy. The thought of any of my children struggling with one actually makes me feel panicked and physically sick. I can not bury my head in the sand though. I have to make sure communication about this serious illness is open in my family.  I have to be prepared to help my children fight should this demon come looking for them.   

So, it's time to take this big step. It's scary and vulnerable. However, I feel like it is ultimately in the best interest of my children's future well being. And for them, I'd do anything.  It's time to talk about it and say out loud in my home, "I have an eating disorder."

Don't Flip My Switch: I'm no electrical engineer!

It's been one of those weeks. You know the type...multiple events scheduled for each day.  Somedays I'm not even sure how it will all work since I need kids in two places at once. Then there is all my work around the house; cooking, cleaning, laundry. Christmas activities are popping up all over the place. Add to it my church assignments and other friend and family obligations. Even things I enjoy become just another thing to check off my list. These days usually end with me feeling tired and stretched WAY too thin.  I often find myself falling back into unhealthy habits. 

The thing I'm finally coming to accept about having an eating disorder is it never will go away. It's hard for me to even type that sentence. However, my amazing therapist, Landry is helping me understand that this isn't the equivalent to a life sentence!  She explains that an eating disorder is like a switch that's wired in my head. Anytime things get crazy or stressful my wiring will run a current to the eating disorder switch. When I first heard this I felt pretty discouraged and frustrated. I do not want to live with this for the rest of my life. Landry assured me that just because the switch is there doesn't mean it has to be on. 

Learning to control the switch is now my goal. When life gets crazy and stressful I can use the tools I've learned in therapy to divert the current from triggering the eating disorder switch. The tools I use aren't magic. The are actually pretty basic and logical.  

One tool I'm learning is that it is extremely important to take care of myself. This means keep myself healthy, well rested, and exercise in moderation.  Sleep is very important. Gone are the days of functioning on 3 or 4 hours of sleep! Being sick can also prove very challenging. So, I have to be very alert and make sure I'm taking care of my physical well being so as to not allow the current to flip the switch. 

Another important tool is focusing on the positive. I'm generally a happy person but this world is full of so much sadness and darkness. Honestly, it REALLY brings me down.  I try to avoid watching the news. I even have to be careful what I read...non-fiction or fiction. If it's very dark or sad and hopeless I fall into the depths of despair. I even have to keep things in check when my loved ones have a bad day or challenges. If I can't help or fix it, I become overwhelmed by it. To combat this, I have to stay positive and optimistic to prevent my switch from turning on. 

The final tool I want to mention is called "cope ahead". Because I like to plan in advance, this tool works great for me. When I see a busy hectic day, I can plan ahead ways to prevent the current from switching on my eating disorder switch. This might be as simple as putting a few extra eat on the run snacks in my purse the night before a busy day, or as difficult as seeing my schedule is full and saying no to another scheduling request. It's like seeing the storm on the horizon and getting my tools all lined up to stop the current just in case. 

I'm no electrical engineer, but I'm grateful for this analogy.  It really helps me to visual what I need to do to stay in recovery and to continue to work toward a healthy happier me.  

What Does Top Gun and a Wagon Have in Common?

I used to watch the movie Top Gun all the time! (I adored Tom Cruise before he got all jump on a couch weird.)  I hadn't seen it in years when just the other day my hubby was flipping through the channels and stopped on Top Gun. It was about half way through the movie and we were drawn to it like moths to a flame. Towards the end, after Goose dies in a freak flying accident , the commander of Top Gun expresses how important it is for Maverick to get back up in the air and fly. Maverick just can't get over the loss of his navigator and best friend and can't get in the cockpit to complete his training. He had hit a wall, a stumbling block, a bump in the road.   He had fallen and couldn't get back up!

The idea of getting over challenges has been around for ages. For someone who fell off a horse, people might encourage, "Get back in the saddle!"  After a car accident, you may have to encourage a teen to get "back behind the wheel".  Soliders may experience feeling "gun shy" after a stressful situation.

Not too long ago I lost my way. I fell off the recovery wagon. I not only couldn't get back up, I straight up didn't want to get back up. But I was blessed with some amazing friends and a loving supportive family. They encouraged me and even gave me a boost to get back into the recovery wagon.  My recovery wagon had a new driver in the form of my new therapist. At first I was unsure, and I didn't know if her driving skills would work for me and my wagon.  For awhile I just rode, watching the miles pass by. Then I started to participate and work with my driver as she maneuvered my recovery wagon up the steep slopes of eating disorder mountain. Some days were hard, some were easy. At times, I felt like I was going to fall off again, but my driver and I had put some safety features into place to keep me on board.  They worked.

Now we are starting a new leg of the journey. I'm going to be driving my wagon now.  I've been working hard and it's time for me to take the reins. This means that now I will only be visiting with my therapist every other week, instead of every week.  I am very proud. I know I am ready for this.  I still have my friends and family supporting me. Plus, my driver is riding right next to my wagon. All I have to do is ask for her help when I need it.

Maverick does overcome his challenges to pilot a fighter plane and he saves the day.  Like Maverick,  I'm back on board too. I know I can drive my recovery wagon into the valley of health and happiness and save myself.  Top Gun and wagons...they are totally connected!

Wrong Prayer

I've been praying the wrong prayer. For well over a year I've been carrying a prayer in my heart and mind, and it is wrong!

I was studying my scriptures and read a story that I've read a million times when the proverbial light bulb clicked on!  All this time I've been struggling to over come my eating disorder, I've prayed for Heavenly Father to remove this struggle. What I needed to pray for was the strength to overcome it.

Some may say, "Oh, it's just semantics!"  But I don't think so. Praying for my problems to be taken away puts me in the position of helpless victim.  Praying for strength to overcome puts me in the drivers seat, with The Lord as my co-pilot. (Excuse the corny bumper sticker reference!)

It's interesting as my mind and body are healing from the eating disorder my thoughts and feelings change and become clearer.  The first major change in my thought process I noticed was to accept the eating disorder as a challenge or life lesson. I had always thought of it as a punishment or curse. Now I think, what am I supposed to learn from this? Again, it takes me out of the role victim and puts me in a position of control.

These ideas can apply to any challenge in life!  We have the choice to be victim or boss. It's almost a guarantee that outside influences will impact your life - random people, work, health, finances, family, friends, church. Those things you can NOT control. BUT you can control your reaction to these things. I'm not saying it's easy because I KNOW it's not. However, with the help of family, friends, therapists, doctors, God, and our Savior Jesus Christ we can learn to be the boss of our lives, not the victim!   Time to change up my prayer!

No Need to Get the Police Involved!

This week I discovered that the reason my tire kept losing air was because I had run over a nail somewhere on the road. Unfortunately, the tire place couldn't get me a new tire that day because they didn't have our tire of choice in stock...we only use Michelin (shameless unpaid product placement).  So they put on the spare and I drove carefully on the sad ugly spare tire for the next 24 hours. After they got the new tire on the next day, they had some problems getting the spare back in place. The technician came in and told me, "Sorry, we can't get your spare back on."  My first thought was "That's ok."   But then I thought, if they can't get it on, how am I supposed to get it back up?  So I looked at him and said, "Well, it needs to be put back like you found it yesterday when you got the spare out."  He mumbled something about talking to his manager. Then I watched a new team of guys try unsuccessfully to put my spare back. So the manager comes to me about 30 minutes later and informs me that the wench to lift the tire is binding and it needs to be replaced and the part will cost blah blah blah. I just looked at him. Then he said, "I have to talk to the main manager and I'll see what we can do for you, but he won't be back until Thursday."

Why am I boring you with this story? BECAUSE I FOUND MY VOICE!  I left there feeling proud. VERY proud!  I thought for one tiny little second about saying, "Oh, that's ok." or "No problem." like I've done a million times in my life, when it's NOT ok and it IS a problem!  I was assertive (NOT AGGRESSIVE... remember my blog about almost getting arrested? 😳)  I told my hubby and he was pretty mad at the tire place and asked if he needed to take care of it.  I told him that I would take care of it. But 20 years of seeing me be passive and not speaking up has us in a pattern where he has to take care of this kind of stuff. He kept bringing it up the next couple days and told me to remind them that they better fix it for me or they won't like having to deal with him!  But I didn't use that threat. I just followed up and kept using my voice.  The tire place made arrangements and this Monday morning it will get fixed!

Does this mean I'll always be able to stand up and speak my mind, wants, needs, and/or feelings?  Probably not. But when I don't, and I realize I didn't but I should have, I'm not going to beat myself up. I'm going to think about why I did what I did. I'm going to think about how I might have handled the situation differently. I'm going to recommit to using my voice.  See!  No need to get the police involved!

Master or Servant

I've been biting my nail for as long as I can remember. But when I am in the clutches of my eating disorder, I stop biting my nails. I thought about this a lot last week when I realized I was biting my nails again. Automatically I started getting down on myself. I got frustrated with myself and my inability to stop this bad habit.  I questioned why I was so strong when I gave into the eating disorder.  I also felt more driven, more motivated, and more powerful. I would feel like I had ultimate mastery over my eating, exercising, and emotion.  AND fingernail chewing!

So my therapist, Landry was teaching me about another useful tool referred to as "ABC Please".   The B stands for "build mastery".  The concept is, as you build mastery you gain confidence and confidence helps you when you experience emotional struggles.  I mentioned my nail chewing habit and how I felt like I could master or conquer that habit when I had an eating disorder, but when I start to recover I go back to biting my nails.  She asked me to tell her more. Then I admitted with a shameful hung head that I felt so strong and powerful when I gave into the eating disorder. Plus, I admitted that I miss that feeling. Landry assured me these feelings were normal. After all, an eating disorder was my minds way to best handle life.  It just has horrible (and deadly) side effects, which mean we have to learn new ways to deal with life.

We talked more about why an eating disorder gives us the illusion of power and strength. No discussion on this topic can occur with out pointing out that the power, strength, and mastery one feels while struggling with an eating disorder is nothing more than an illusion. It's the disorder with the power. Rosalind didn't have power and strength and mastery. I wasn't the master. I was the servant.  Then Landry asked me a very pointed, direct question.  "Can Rosalind build mastery?"  All week I could only think about how hard things are without my eating disorder. Yet, this one question made me reevaluate how I had been viewing things. Look at all I have done as the master. I've been exercising consistently AND sensibly with out an eating disorder driving and ordering me to exercise multiple times a day.   I have almost completely taken over control of my food intake and no longer listen to the restricting commands from the eating disorder.   I am working on understanding and mastering my emotions.  I've overcome fears and doubts and anxieties. None of that as a servant to an eating disorder. I'm doing these things, these often very hard things, as the master to myself!

There are lots of things in life that can become our master...food, job, fashion, exercise, our kids...the list can go on and on. It's up to us to stand up and demand freedom. It's time to become masters of ourselves and no longer allow things and people to in prison us.  Only we can build true mastery to make us stronger and mentally healthier people.  Who are you?  Master or servant?

Acceptance

I feel good. No, I feel great!  I feel stronger and happier than I have in a very long time. I feel like myself again. Only, a different me. (Does that even make sense?) I feel like I have better control over my mind and thoughts and emotions. I'm not perfect and I never will be. Surprisingly, I'm ok with that.

So after discussing my discovery of feeling great and mentally healthy and strong, my mentor, Jess asked what got me to this place. I thought about it a lot. I think there are several contributing factors that I could thank for getting me to this point. However, I have to give a big standing ovation to a tough but very helpful skill my therapist Landry taught me. Thank you "reality acceptance"!

For those of you who have never heard of "reality acceptance" before, let me briefly explain to you how this tool has helped me get through my rough times. Basically, when things are hard or rough, I mentally acknowledge that things are hard and give myself permission to feel whatever feelings are associated with it. Then if I don't like the situation I can move to change it.

Let me share with you an example. The place I go to therapy is pretty intense. Part of the check in process is weighing in when I visit my therapist each week.  I don't ever see the numbers, but it still caused me big time anxiety. All week I'd worry about what the scale would say. I'd try planning my wardrobe around weighing, picking out the clothes I felt were the lightest. I would get very anxious before every appointment. I even considered stopping therapy because I hated weighing in SO much. But once I learned about acceptance, I went right to work and decided to use it on this weekly cause of anxiety and unhappiness. I basically sat myself down and gave myself a little pep talk. I reminded myself that weighing in weekly takes all of 3 minutes and then it's over. I've never been fussed at or belittled for the number on the scale. It is simply a measuring tool to determine my over all health and recovery. It's only 3 minutes!  Yes, it's scary and makes me anxious. That ok. However, it's only three minutes!  After it's over, I am fine!  So accept that it's uncomfortable for those three minutes, but there is no reason to fret and worry about it all week!

That's it!  I accepted that it's hard and uncomfortable for me to weigh every week. By validating my feelings I'm stronger and more able to move past it. I can't change it and I still get anxious right before I weigh in, but I remind myself that it's ok to feel that way instead of beating myself up and working myself up into a full blown anxiety attack.  Then I give myself the three minutes it takes to weigh in to be uncomfortable and then I move away from that worry and don't allow it to hold me down.

It's so basic and simple.  Its also very gentle and nurturing. Instead of being harsh and judgmental with my thoughts and feelings, I am learning to accept them. There is no pushing uncomfortable feelings and experiences away. It's all about accepting and then being strong and moving past it.