I would never...

I would never call my friend hideous.
I would never tell my friend she shouldn't eat.
I would never say my friend was useless.
I would never call my friend a failure.
I would never tell my friend she's fat.
I would never say my friend was all alone.
I would never call my friend a crazy head case.
I would never tell my friend the world would be better off without her.
I would never say my friend was unloveable.
I would never hurt my friend.
I guess I'm not my friend.

One Day at a Time

The alarm on my phone goes off. I'm comfy in my bed. Outside the sun is just casting a thin purple light across the horizon of the darkened sky as the night fights the losing battle to day.  It's a new day.  Twenty-four hours of opportunities, chances, choices, moments, and memories. This day is solitary and unique. Once these 24 hours are over, they are gone forever. Abraham Lincoln said, "The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time."  So, just live each day fully!  Take life one day at a time!  Easy, right?

Sometimes it feels like in my quest to take life one day at a time, one day becomes two...which becomes three...which becomes weeks or even months. That one day called in its gang of friends and completely overwhelmed me.  It is in one of these never ending bad days that I get lost and vanquished to a dark place.   At some point I just have to stop the unbalanced madness and get life back into perspective. I have to remind myself that I don't have to take on the entire 24 hours at once

First thing to do is to focus on one breath...then two. Fill your chest and belly. Slow your breathing which in turn slows your mind.  Take deep, slow, cleansing breaths.

Next focus on one step at a time. Do whatever is the next thing you need to do...get out of bed, shower, dress, eat breakfast, go to work,take care of children, exercise...pick one task and triumphantly complete it. Then pick the next step, and the next. Feel the strength surge through you as you complete one step at a time. There is no rush!  Things will get done when they get done.

Finally focus on moments...the few seconds on the yoga mat when you feel complete peace, your child's hand in yours as you walk to the park, the taste of fresh sliced juicy peaches, the cool refreshing blast of cold AC in a hot car, the clean refreshing smell of new bath wash in the shower, a hug from a loved one or friend.  Living each of these moments makes time stand still but ironically speeds the day along.  

Repeatedly, I've come to realize that when bad days overwhelm me, I find myself in self-preservation mode. This means I start living in my head. I forget to breath, take one step at a time, and live in each moment. I forget I am one person.  I start living on auto pilot.  The great philosophical guru Osho declared, "Get out of your head and get into your heart.  Think less, feel more."

I've never died from one, or two, or a weeks worth of bad days. As a matter of fact, I've gotten through 100% of my bad days. That's not too shabby!  I'm tenacious like that!  You are too!  And just like that thin purple line on the darkened horizon wins out over night, so too can our good days win out over the dark bad ones.

Learning to See

Every day I use my eyes. From that first glance at the alarm clock in the morning, to the last sleepy glance at the shadows in my room at night. The amazing Helen Keller stated, "Of all the senses, sight must be the most delightful."  I've stood on a mountainside and beheld the beauty of the changing leaves of the fall in their fiery glory. I've admired beautiful palace gardens through out Europe. I've scrutinized my new babies from head to toe, trying to remember every detail. I've spotted people in need and rushed to help. I've poured over books filled with words that transport me to other times and places. I've observed my children playing happily (and sometimes not so happily) together. I've watched my friends laughing while enjoying comfortable friendships. I've spied on a herd of deer crossing a river on a cool crisp morning.
Yes, sight is delightful!  All of these, I've seen with my eyes.  My eyes work just fine...well, with a slight imperfection easily corrected by glasses. However, I've realized that my accurate vision (with or without glasses) falls short of 20/20 in one regard...when looking at myself. The same eyes that lovingly watch my kids, that admire my friends, that take in all the beauty of nature...those same eyes do not see the truth about me. I can not trust my eyes when they scrutinize my reflection in the mirror. Shannon Alder explained it best when she said, "Often the truth is in front of your face, but your eyes are so full of lies that you can't see it."  This problem is very confusing. On one hand what they see is true and beautiful.  On the other hand they see a false ugly distorted view. This is saddening, tormenting, and caustic. It's part of having an eating disorder...eyes that see fine, except when looking at ones self.
How can this issue be corrected?  Not even rose colored glasses can fix this problem. However, there are some steps to help correct.  The first step is simply realizing and acknowledging that your eyes don't work when seeing you!  Once you know this you can move on to the next step, which is challenge what your eyes see in you. Just like you stopped believing that kid in the 3rd grade who lied all the time (I mean how many weekend in a row can his family go across country to DisneyWorld?), you have to learn to stop believing what your eyes tell you. Finally, learn to see with your "other eye".  Rumi, a brilliant Persian theologian said, "Close both eyes to see with the other eye."  Some might call it the third eye or inner eye.  Others might refer to this as chi or soul. If you are a Star Wars fan, you might call it the force. I like to think of it as my heart. "
"A person who only sees with his eyes and not his heart misses the details of beauty." (Evie Fritz). This is the tender "eye", the "eye" that is kinder and gentler. It's easy to use this eye while viewing others.  It's the eye that lovingly watches a sleeping child even though 30 minutes ago that child had flooded the bathroom. It's the eye that still looks at a person as a friend even though they inadvertently hurt your feelings yesterday. It's time to train this eye to look at yourself.  Learn to see! "After all, the true seeing is within."  (George Eliot)

Eating Disorder 101

Every time I move somewhere, or visit somewhere new, I always enjoy researching about the area.  I love reading about the history of places. In addition, when I become curious about a topic I read and read about it until I am satisfied with what I know. I guess you could say I'm a big nerd. I'm ok with that!

After coming to terms with my struggle with an eating disorder, I knew the best way to beat it and recover would be to learn as much as I could about it. So today's post is Eating Disorder 101 based specifically on my experience with anorexia.

The first thing people should understand about an eating disorder is that is a very serious illness. It is NOT something people can just stop. It is not a phase or a way to get attention.  It is a horrible sickness.  Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any physiological disorder. As much as 20% of those who develop anorexia will die from it.   It's serious!

Eating disorders are about more than food and eating. For me, anorexia was a way for me to feel in control and powerful. The irony is, eating disorders eventually make you weak and very out of control, but the disease clouds your vision and tells you you have control!

With that said, it's also very much about food!  I thought about food excessively. I collected recipes and loved to look at cookbooks and food blogs. I even cooked and baked like crazy. My friends and family benefitted, but I never ate it. I was constantly bringing food to other people; whole meals sometimes.  I remember making this huge yummy dessert for a church picnic and not eating a single bite. Everyone loved it, I left with an empty dish and the mistaken feeling that I was stronger than wonder women because I had not taste a single bite of that dessert.

An eating disorder is a voice in your head. I know this sounds weird, but there was honestly a voice in my head telling me what I could and couldn't eat, when to exercise, when to weigh. And my weight was the guide to how good I was; losing weight meant I was doing ok, staying  the same was bad, and gaining was out right failure.  The voice was brutal! But I did what it told me! It was like being enslaved by the voice in my head.

Weight loss isn't the only physical change from an eating disorder. My hair was breaking and falling out at an alarming pace. I also was cold all the time. I wasn't able to sleep through the night.  Most alarming was the fact that I frequently experienced heart palpitations.  I was always tired and often felt dizzy. I was present in my life, but I wasn't living it.  I spent more time in my head with the voice than I did with the people and experiences around me.

Finally, eating disorders take a lot of time and work to recover from. Some days I feel strong and like I have the eating disorder behind me. Other days I feel like I'm fighting a war of attrition with no end in sight. It's on these days that the love and support of my husband, family, and my dear friends becomes a proverbial lighthouse in the turmoil of my storm.

I could write much more, but I should save some material for my next class!  :) Eating disorders are very isolating and difficult to overcome because they are so misunderstood.  Knowledge is the key!  If you know someone struggling with an eating disorder, hug them a little tighter. It truly is hell!

Recovery Ain't Easy

So my last post was a bit on the gloomy side. But if this blog is going to be honest, it's important to be honest about recovery. The truth is, recovery ain't easy!

When I finally decided to seek help in over coming my eating disorder, I naïvely thought I'd be over it and done in a month or two. Of course, that was unrealistic. However, I sit here almost a year after I started my journey to recovery and feel very tired. Once more, for the sake of honesty, I'm so tired I feel like giving up. Don't go getting crazy people...I said feel like giving up, not I AM giving up. But I am tired. I feel weak and the ED voice is taking advantage of this exhausted state.  

A huge blessing in my life these last few months has been my mentor, Jess. I've never met this amazing lady, I've never heard her voice, she lives on a whole different continent on the other side of the world. However, she has become my coach and cheering squad. She knows this "game" well because she's been in my place before. After confessing to her that my fatigue and exhaustion in recovery was overwhelming me she wrote these reassuring words, "It's ok to rest. It's ok to not be ok. This is part of recovery...Sometimes it feels easier to give in but in the long run, we know that not to be true. You deserve a life and you deserve to be happy...Although you feel tired and weak, I have seen your strength. I have witnessed your courage to talk back to ed and to draw strength from yourself and others around you."  And here is my favorite line, "I will hold onto your strength while you rest for now."

I can't properly describe the feelings of peace and comfort that flooded over me as I read these and other words of encouragement in her letter. It's ok to not be ok!  I literally felt the weight on my shoulders lightened. I can rest from this!  When the exhaustion and fatigue pass...because it will, my friend and mentor Jess will be there with my strength and hand it back over to me so I can finish my difficult journey to recovery.

Stockholm Syndrome in San Antonio.

In 1971, several bank employees in Stockholm, Sweden were held hostage in a vault for six days. During this time they became very emotionally attached to their captors. This became known as the "Stockholm Syndrome".   This syndrome is basically bonding through trauma. One way to describe Stockholm Syndrome is "strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other."  The victims sympathetic and positive feelings towards their tormentors is hard to understand and considered extremely irrational considering the danger they are put through.  Unfortunately, I completely relate.

My captor held me hostage for a long time. He relentlessly belittled me and put me down. He pulled me into an isolated world of just us. He controlled everything. He drastically limited what I ate and demanded excessive physical exercise. But somewhere in this dark tangled web I began to rely on my captor. It was us verses the world. He told me he was making me strong and I believed him. His rules and requirements became part of my life and I felt purpose and meaning through them. I felt strong. And ironically, I felt in control.

I know this next statement will be very hard for most of you to understand. I miss my eating disorder. I miss his voice, his rules, his plan.  He isn't all the way gone but he's not a constant in my life. Some days I get so tired of fighting the battle to recover that I long for my days as a hostage to my eating disorder. It seems easier, more comfortable, and safer.  Even as these thoughts pour out into words on a page, part of me sees the flaw in this.  But for now, it is what it is and I remain Stockholm Syndrome in San Antonio.

Living in Fear

Ok, I admit it. I'm a scaredy cat!  As a child I was scared of nuclear war.  As a teen I was scared of growing up.  Even as an adult, I still have many fears. My extreme fear of snakes is pretty well known amongst my friends and family.  I'm afraid of my kids getting hurt. I'm afraid of driving in unknown places, especially at night. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid to take risks.
My husband and I were talking about a future business opportunity. The idea was exciting and challenging. As we discussed it in greater detail I realized that my husband was seriously considering this and then the cold wave of fear started to overcome me. I am getting better about sharing my feelings, so I told him that I was scared by this idea. When he asked me why, the reason came spilling out if me before I could filter my feelings. I was scared I couldn't manage and it would fail. My daughters, master eavesdroppers, rushed into the kitchen where I was talking with my hubby. They buried me in all the wisdom of their 12 and 10 years of life experience.
"Mom, you won't look back and regret taking a chance, but you will regret not trying."
"You will miss 100% of shots you don't take."
After hearing their advice, I quickly dismissed it. They have so little life experience. They don't understand how scary life is. Then I stopped that thinking dead in its tracks.  Maybe I was the one that didn't understand. Maybe their child like faith simply took the place of fear. I remembered something I read last year by Brent Neilsen, "Fear is the opposite of faith. If you have fear, faith diminishes, but if you have faith, fear diminishes."
When I finally admitted to myself that I needed help overcoming my eating disorder, my friend got me the name of a specialized therapist. It took me weeks to work up the courage to call. Then it took several weeks to get in to see her. I will never forget how positively terrified I was that first time I went. I was so nervous and afraid I was physically sick. I remember sitting in the waiting area literally chanting over and over in my mind, "Faith not fear!  Faith not fear!" I wanted so badly to jump in my car and go home. I was afraid to confront my problems. It took several visits for me to overcome this fear.
The thing about fear is it can really prevent a person from living. There are so many things to be afraid of. At some point you just have to say "ENOUGH!  I'm not going to live in fear!"  I look back to my life before I saw my therapist and I think how different things would be if I had let fear prevent me from getting help.  I remember the hopelessness.  I remember how sick and weak I felt. I remember how in my attempts to gain control I had completely lost all control. I was scared, lost, unwell, unhappy, and full of fear.
Sometimes, as I reflect on my journey to overcome my eating disorder I see a glimpse of the strength I have gained. It is in these moments I understand the words of Larry Gibbons, "It is hard to build faith in the noonday sun. When the night is dark and the clouds are thick, we have an opportunity to put our hand in the Lord’s hand and rely on Him to help us through. Doing so strengthens our faith."  This time of trial has been the time for me to learn faith over fear.
About snakes...don't go getting all crazy!  I'm still terrified of them!