This Chick

When it's time to hatch, the little chick faces its first adversity.  Breaking out of its protective shell of 21 days is no small task.  The little chick works and struggles. Finally, it's free. However difficult the challenge is to leave its safe haven of a shell behind, any aid or assistance only weakens the chick. It must overcome this obstacle on its own in order to become strong and healthy.

In our own lives we too face adversities, struggles, challenges, and obstacles. Sometimes we face these with others. But often we face them by ourselves.  It is during these times we are truly tested.

As I have struggled to overcome my eating disorder, I've pondered extensively the age old question, "Why me?"  I've felt punished. I've felt abandoned. I've felt alone. I've felt very afraid.  But recently I was reminded of how a little chick must struggle to free itself from the shell or risk weakness and death if anyone intervenes.  I thought of other animals that have similar struggles...sea turtles, butterflies...humans.

Despite always loving my Heavenly Father, I found myself feeling almost betrayed or abandoned by Him. Why me?  Why was I cursed with this horrible affliction?  I try to do what's right and live a good Christ-like life. I'm not perfect, but I do try. So, why saddle me with this burden I feel is too much to bear?

I thought of the story from the book of Mark in the New Testament. Jesus and His disciples were out on a boat. The Savior fell asleep and a large powerful storm came. The disciples were very scared.  They felt the ship was sure to be swallowed by the angry waves, yet the Savior slept on. They waited till they felt they could wait no longer and then woke the Savior and questioned "Carest thou not that we perish?"

I often echoed their same sentiment.  Didn't my Father care this illness was destroying me?  Then, I was reminded of the chick, and a light bulb clicked on in my head. This realization completely changed the way I looked at my eating disorder. I wasn't a victim. I was given a challenge.   James E Faust said, "Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful. The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength. For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process."

I'm done feeling victimized.  No longer do I feel punished. This is my challenge and I will rise to it!  I am not alone.  Just like the Savior calmed the sea for His frightened disciples, I know when I've learned the lesson I'm supposed to learn, I will have calm waters ahead.  This chick is busting out of her shell with more "faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength"!

Letting it Go! How I relate to Frozen

How I Relate to Frozen

I have always loved all things Disney.  However, it has been a long time since I really connected to a Disney princess movie. So I was totally unprepared for the strong emotional connection I felt as I sat in the theater with my family and saw Frozen for the first time.  Watching Elsa struggle was like looking in a mirror. Let me explain. 

At the beginning Elsa struggles to understand this unusual power that she has to freeze.  She is scared and is told to repress her feelings, and hide away so her power isn't revealed.  Meanwhile, Elsa's younger sister Anna doesn't understand why her sister has shut herself away from the world. Anna begs and pleads for Elsa to come out. You can feel the pain and anguish as time after time, Elsa sends her sister away.  Then her first time out in public, Elsa's power to freeze is reviled when a dispute with Anna causes Elsa to lose control. All her years of trying to control it and hold it in were in vain.  Elsa runs away in terror, fear, and shame.  The frozen mountain tops become her refuge and Elsa pours out her heart in the amazing song, "Let It Go". She sings about being isolated and lonely. She sings about rules and the pressure to be perfect.  She sings about trying to hide her powers and not feel.  Elsa sees that the rules and fear that have controlled her entire life no longer exist.  She is free!  Of course, this can't be the end. Anna is desperate to find Elsa and bring her home.  Plus, when Elsa lashed out with her power it covered the entire kingdom in a deep winter.  Anna finds Elsa, but Elsa doesn't want to return.  Anna explains that she needs Elsa's help to end the winter curse.  Elsa eventually ends up returning and the love between Anna and Elsa ends up saving the day. 

Obviously I do not have the power to freeze things. But I do have another power. I have amazing will power. I'm sure some of you are thinking that this isn't a dangerous power like freezing stuff. Well, like Elsa, I found my power used in a very scary way.  I have an eating disorder. Like Elsa, this power scared me and I knew it had the potential to hurt those I love as well as being harmful to me. I tried to conceal, don't feel. I tried to control my power and I wouldn't let anyone know about my "power" or sickness.   I accepted that this was just the way I was and accepted my difference.  I was controlled by rules and a desire to be perceived as perfect.  Like Elsa, I couldn't hold it in forever. My careful control of my power crumbled and I found myself feeling like I needed to hide.  So, I hid.  Not out of plain sight, I hid inside my mind. I emotionally withdrew. My control spiraled totally out of control.  My children, only aware that I was behaving differently, begged me to come out of my "exile". My family and friends could see I was not myself. I turned people away.  I didn't want to hurt them.  I didn't want anyone to know.  But, people were noticing as my eating disorder took control of my life. I was no longer the perfect girl I tried to present.  I tried to run and hide but loving family and friends as well as a great therapist helped me understand my power. My strong will could be used to overcome the eating disorder that had me trapped. I learned that it's ok to feel. I learned to ignore the rules of my eating disorder. I was taught that my powers are beautiful and unique to me.  I learned that hiding doesn't help, I need people. 

My perfect ending hasn't come yet. Honestly, I doubt Elsa's fairy tale ending was instant. Overcoming an eating disorder and years of self-shame and not understanding yourself takes time, patience, and lots of support and understanding.   Its not easy to let go!  However, now that I know my power I plan to use it for good. I'm learning to let go of the past. No more  perfect girl. No more keeping it in.  So let the storm (life) rage on. The cold never bothered me anyway. 

Dream until your dreams come true!

I mentioned in my first post about it being time to chase my own dreams.  My good friend Kay said she wanted to know what those dreams are!  That got me thinking…

I’ve had many dreams in my life.  Some more practical than others!  However, I think it is very healthy to dream.  It gives you something to aim for, or an area to specialize in.  My oldest daughter has a saying on her bedroom wall, “Dream until your dream comes true.”  A few days after we put this up she informed me that the saying on her wall was all wrong.  She said it should say, “Work until your dream comes true.”  She’s right!  No dream comes true without a little work.  So here are a few of my “dreams” – some that I’ve worked for, others that were just…dreams. 

I’ve always wanted to be an Olympic track athlete.  Yes, I know some of you are chuckling right now.  I am totally NOT in the best shape of my life!  I blame it on all those snacks I hid and then inhaled behind my kid’s backs!  But once, long ago, in a galaxy far away, I used to love to run.  Maybe not quite as much as Forest Gump, but still…I loved to run.  I remember going out to run for fun when I was as young as seven or eight.  I remember taking pride in being the fastest girl on the playground.  I remember living for field day when my speed would not only WOW the whole school, but also win me tons of cheesy cheap blue ribbons.  I freely admit that I was never a distance runner…I was a sprinter.  (Yes, more laughter from the peanut gallery.)  Sadly, this is one of those dreams that I know will never come true.  But I do live this dream vicariously through the amazing men and women athletes from team USA every four years.  I’ve accepted that and let it go!

I also had great plans to be president of the United States of America when I grew up.  I was always interested in politics and government.  History was constantly my favorite subject.  I loved learning about leaders from the past and how they made positive differences.  My principal at Chaparral Elementary school in New Mexico was confident I’d be the first women President and encouraged this dream.  I attend a government camp as a teen and return two summers as a counselor.  I was heading to the white house FOR SURE!  Then I realized how horrible politics really is.  I saw people’s reputations getting smeared and scandal rocking politics on all levels.  And sadly, I realized, I didn’t want my name on a Presidential ballot.  I’ve accepted this and let it go!

I haven’t let all my dreams go.  One day I want to be a published children’s author.  From the moment I could write, I’ve loved it!  I especially love creative writing.  I even won a PTA writing contest in the fifth grade and made it to the national level!  (Yes, I was just that close to meeting President Regan!)  But for many years, while I was in high school and college creative writing seemed to take a back burner to all the writing I was doing for school.  It wasn’t until my kids were born that I picked up a pen and spiral notebook and started writing again.  I even went so far as to send letter to some literary agents before my last baby was born.  I still have every rejection I got.  (One day when I’m the J.K. Rowling of the picture book world, I want to write those people back so they know what they missed!)  I got lots of no thank you’s, many no responses, and NOT A SINGLE “yes we are interested”!  This dream is still alive.  I still love to write and keep a notebook full of poems and stories.  When an agent finally comes around, I’ll be ready!  I’m holding on to this dream!

Not all my dreams have gone unreached or cast by the way side.  My greatest dream and desire has always been to be a wife and mother.  The fulfillment and daily realization of this “dream come true” brings me some of the greatest joy in my life.  I have a wonderful hubby who works hard to provide for us and is the spiritual leader of our home.  I have three beautiful and really decent kids who love me and really do try to do what is right.  So despite the fact that I will never earn a gold medal or even make an Olympic team…despite the fact that I will never have return address labels with 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Washington, DC on them…despite the fact that I remain an unpublished writer…I am pretty happy with life and will continue to dream work until my dreams come true!

The Mouse Shall Play!

So, now that I am alone during the days I’ve noticed many things are different.  So, today I will testify of the truthfulness of the following proverb:

When the cats away, the mouse shall play! 

The first big difference I’ve noticed since my “cats” are away is I have not seen Playhouse Disney in almost two weeks!  Seriously, I have watched so many Disney children’s programing in the past eleven years that even I got giddy when I met the Little Einstein crew at Disneyworld!  And don’t even get me started on all the Wiggles songs I know!  My husband ALWAYS comment on the fact that the TV was always on the Disney channel.  What did he think we were watching – day time soaps?  I love Disney as much (maybe more) than the next person, but I think I have at least retired from the preschool programing!  (Until grandkids arrive – which is still a LONG ways away for this spring chicken!)

TMI alert!!!!  I can finally go to the bathroom and shower without any uninvited guests!  I saw a funny poster that said, “We used to want it all.  Now we just want to go to the bathroom alone!”  I’m pretty sure every mother in the galaxy can relate to this!  Now, I am especially enjoying long hot showers where I can think deep thoughts or sing Aerosmith at the top of my lungs.  The dog doesn’t care for my singing, but then again she is bothered by all songs with a Steven Tyler scream in them! (Yes, of course I even attempt all Steven Tyler screams…it’s the best part of singing Aerosmith songs!)  Besides, it’s better than singing songs by the Wiggles!

I am usually a pretty nice and thoughtful person.  I was taught to share and normally have no problem with this concept.  However, something snapped inside of me when I became a mom.  I’m sure NO one else has ever done this, so I am ashamed to admit this but here it goes…My name is Rosalind and I hide candy and treats and sneak to eat them when my kids aren’t around so I don’t have to share!  There it’s out!  I’ve admitted I have a problem – that’s the first step!  However, I think I am cured!  There are no more kids around to hide my little treats from!  Just this morning I had Blue Bell coconut fudge ice cream for breakfast!  (Don’t judge me – I don’t eat this well every morning!  Sometimes I have to settle for a store brand ice cream!)  I didn’t even have to quickly gulp my creamy ice cream down while I sent my child on some mission of distraction... 

Me - “Honey please go make your bed.”

Kid – “I already made it.”

Me – “Please go clean your room then.”

Kid – “I already cleaned too.”

Me – “Then please go alphabetize all the bookshelves upstairs and don’t come down until you are done!”

Another great advantage is my free time to clean!  I’m not a spotless clean person…ask my mom, she will be happy to testify of her years of anguish over this!  However, I’ve been enjoying experimenting with all my new found knowledge on Pinterest about ways to clean!  Did you know you should clean the inside of your washing machine out!  I spend a whole day doing this!  It looks wonderful and shiny!  And my jewelry box has never been better organized!  I also made a wonderful shower cleaner made from vinegar and blue Dawn dish washing soap…IT HAS TO BE BLUE!  Next on my list is making homemade Fabreze.  Then organizing my spices in my pantry into an over the door shoe holder.  When you come over to see all these great projects, just don’t look too closely at my stacks of laundry or the dirty dishes in my sink.  I’m too busy cleaning for housework!

So, I guess I am kind of enjoying my time without my kiddos around.  But there are some things that aren’t positive.  It’s the adverse side to being here alone.  For one thing, I’ve never gone up and down the stairs so much in my life!  I’ve gotten used to sending kids up and down the stairs for my cell phone, a roll of TP, a book, to get shoes, put up Lego sets, bring me laundry, put up laundry, etc.  Now, the stairs are my daily workout.  Who needs a gym or a stair master!  (Time to move into a one story house!)  And, honestly, the worse part about being home without my kids is eating alone.  Heck, I even forget to eat lunch sometimes.  Maybe subconsciously I am forgetting lunch so I don’t have to eat alone.  I seem to remember my lack of nutrition about the time they get home.  Then eat lunch while listening to them tell me all about their day.   But by that point the cats are back home and there isn’t much time for leisurely lunch.  It’s back to my job as a mom!  And despite all the fun new things I’ve noticed have changed in my day, it’s still great to be needed as a mom to my three beautiful children!

Change by any other name...

Change!   Alter!  Modify!  Vary!  Transform!  Adjust!  Shift!  Amend!  Change!

Change by any other name is just as distasteful to me.  I really hate dislike change!  (My mom told me never to hate!)  So, imagine how tough the last few weeks have been for me as I sent my last “baby” out into the world of public education!  For the past eleven years I have been a stay at home mom.  I have had a kid (or kids) next to me, beside me, and even on top of me nearly every day for the last eleven years.  And, to be honest, I LOVED IT!  Well, most of it.  Yes, some days, life as a stay at home mom was not glamorous or even fun.  (One word - PUKE!)  However, I really like my kids and I do really enjoy being with them.  Now, I have over six hours all to myself. 

Alone!  Unaccompanied!  Solo!  Hold the onions and the kids!  Abandoned!  Deserted!  Alone!

Not that I didn’t know this was coming.  I’ve known this was coming for the past six years.  I knew it was coming when after my third child the doctor told me in his best soup Nazi voice “No more babies for you!”  Really, there was nothing I could do.  But I thought – six years is a long time.  Oh, I was so wrong about that!  It seems to have passed in the blink of an eye.  Where did the time go?  Like sands through the hour glass, so are the days of our life!  I tried to stop it.  I begged my kids to stop growing up.  I even bribed them!  But, NOOOOO!  They just had to keep growing.  I even offered to home school all of them so I wouldn’t have to be alone!  Well, here I sit alone, writing this soliloquy, so I guess you know what their answer was!  I should be glad.  I should be proud.  I’ve raised my kids to be independent, to stand on their own two feet.  But, what do I do now?

Change!   Alter!  Modify!  Vary!  Transform!  Adjust!  Shift!  Amend!  Change!

There are those distasteful words again!  CHANGE!  Ughh!  Maybe it is time to make some changes.  No, not change – revolution!  I need to revolutionize who I am.  Of course I am still a mom!  (I’m grateful I will never get fired or laid off of that job!)  What do I want to do with the REST of my life?  What can I do?  In my life B.C. (Before Children) I was a teacher.  I taught school because I love kids!  I loved making a difference in their lives.  I loved watching that light bulb go off when they got a concept.  However, there were some aspects I did NOT love about teaching.  Should I go back to teaching?  What to do?  What to do?  Maybe it’s time to start chasing some of my own dreams.  Maybe it’s time to reflect on how I want to leave my mark – what legacy I want to leave behind for my children and grandchildren.  Here I go!  Look out world – it’s the revolution of a stay at home mom!