I have always loved all things Disney. However, it has been a long time since I really connected to a Disney princess movie. So I was totally unprepared for the strong emotional connection I felt as I sat in the theater with my family and saw Frozen for the first time. Watching Elsa struggle was like looking in a mirror. Let me explain.
At the beginning Elsa struggles to understand this unusual power that she has to freeze. She is scared and is told to repress her feelings, and hide away so her power isn't revealed. Meanwhile, Elsa's younger sister Anna doesn't understand why her sister has shut herself away from the world. Anna begs and pleads for Elsa to come out. You can feel the pain and anguish as time after time, Elsa sends her sister away. Then her first time out in public, Elsa's power to freeze is reviled when a dispute with Anna causes Elsa to lose control. All her years of trying to control it and hold it in were in vain. Elsa runs away in terror, fear, and shame. The frozen mountain tops become her refuge and Elsa pours out her heart in the amazing song, "Let It Go". She sings about being isolated and lonely. She sings about rules and the pressure to be perfect. She sings about trying to hide her powers and not feel. Elsa sees that the rules and fear that have controlled her entire life no longer exist. She is free! Of course, this can't be the end. Anna is desperate to find Elsa and bring her home. Plus, when Elsa lashed out with her power it covered the entire kingdom in a deep winter. Anna finds Elsa, but Elsa doesn't want to return. Anna explains that she needs Elsa's help to end the winter curse. Elsa eventually ends up returning and the love between Anna and Elsa ends up saving the day.
Obviously I do not have the power to freeze things. But I do have another power. I have amazing will power. I'm sure some of you are thinking that this isn't a dangerous power like freezing stuff. Well, like Elsa, I found my power used in a very scary way. I have an eating disorder. Like Elsa, this power scared me and I knew it had the potential to hurt those I love as well as being harmful to me. I tried to conceal, don't feel. I tried to control my power and I wouldn't let anyone know about my "power" or sickness. I accepted that this was just the way I was and accepted my difference. I was controlled by rules and a desire to be perceived as perfect. Like Elsa, I couldn't hold it in forever. My careful control of my power crumbled and I found myself feeling like I needed to hide. So, I hid. Not out of plain sight, I hid inside my mind. I emotionally withdrew. My control spiraled totally out of control. My children, only aware that I was behaving differently, begged me to come out of my "exile". My family and friends could see I was not myself. I turned people away. I didn't want to hurt them. I didn't want anyone to know. But, people were noticing as my eating disorder took control of my life. I was no longer the perfect girl I tried to present. I tried to run and hide but loving family and friends as well as a great therapist helped me understand my power. My strong will could be used to overcome the eating disorder that had me trapped. I learned that it's ok to feel. I learned to ignore the rules of my eating disorder. I was taught that my powers are beautiful and unique to me. I learned that hiding doesn't help, I need people.
My perfect ending hasn't come yet. Honestly, I doubt Elsa's fairy tale ending was instant. Overcoming an eating disorder and years of self-shame and not understanding yourself takes time, patience, and lots of support and understanding. Its not easy to let go! However, now that I know my power I plan to use it for good. I'm learning to let go of the past. No more perfect girl. No more keeping it in. So let the storm (life) rage on. The cold never bothered me anyway.
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