When you break down on the road to recovery...

Life is most definitely a journey. And like all journeys we are faced with with choices along the way. In Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland, Alice is faced with this very thing.

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where–” said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.

I have been standing at a crossroads in my recovery. Since finding out I'm no longer able to work with my amazing therapist I've been just standing still on my journey. I've become complacent and my resolve for recovery has gone as flat as a tire with a nail in it. In my mind I feel much like Alice..."I don't much care where I go."  And so I sit at this cross roads with no direction, no goal, no progress. 

Of course my eating disorder (ED) would never let me alone...especially if I'm feeling sad,  uncomfortable, and vulnerable. NO WAY!  Any small waiver from a firm march down the road of recovery is like flashing lights and sirens for ED to try to jump back in and take control and push me down his dark road. 

The thing is, you can't sit still in recovery. As soon as you lose your drive to keep progressing you start sliding back. It's like walking the wrong way on an escalator.  As long as you move forward you can make progress to the end of the escalator. But if you slow down or stop you will only go back to where you started. 

Where am I going?  My therapist reminded me that "Struggling is just part of the journey sometimes."  I responded "This part of the journey sucks!"  But despite the fact that I'm not currently on the "scenic route", I can't stop here in the dumps of recovery.  As hard as it is, I need to move on.  This means fixing that flat tire on my recovery wheels.  This means making goals and connecting with a new therapist. This means caring where I am going so I can choose the right path to get there. 

Honestly, this is a hard thing for me. None of us can see down the road in front of us. My mind can imagine all sorts of problems, road blocks, and detours ahead. Plus, I really hate change!  However, we can either move on or let life pass us by as we sit in uncertainty and fear.  Like my old motto from my first days of my recovery journey, I need to have "Faith not Fear!". 

So today I make a choice. I push away ED again and fix those flat tires of recovery so I can again move forward. I decide where I am going and I ask a new therapist to help me on my journey.  I'm scared but I've firmly fixed a bumper sticker on the back of my vehicle of life..."FAITH NOT FEAR!"  On the road again!

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