Stockholm Syndrome in San Antonio.

In 1971, several bank employees in Stockholm, Sweden were held hostage in a vault for six days. During this time they became very emotionally attached to their captors. This became known as the "Stockholm Syndrome".   This syndrome is basically bonding through trauma. One way to describe Stockholm Syndrome is "strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other."  The victims sympathetic and positive feelings towards their tormentors is hard to understand and considered extremely irrational considering the danger they are put through.  Unfortunately, I completely relate.

My captor held me hostage for a long time. He relentlessly belittled me and put me down. He pulled me into an isolated world of just us. He controlled everything. He drastically limited what I ate and demanded excessive physical exercise. But somewhere in this dark tangled web I began to rely on my captor. It was us verses the world. He told me he was making me strong and I believed him. His rules and requirements became part of my life and I felt purpose and meaning through them. I felt strong. And ironically, I felt in control.

I know this next statement will be very hard for most of you to understand. I miss my eating disorder. I miss his voice, his rules, his plan.  He isn't all the way gone but he's not a constant in my life. Some days I get so tired of fighting the battle to recover that I long for my days as a hostage to my eating disorder. It seems easier, more comfortable, and safer.  Even as these thoughts pour out into words on a page, part of me sees the flaw in this.  But for now, it is what it is and I remain Stockholm Syndrome in San Antonio.