The Recovery Roller Coaster

My favorite roller coaster of all times is Rockin' Roller Coaster at DisneyWorld. But I'm actually not too picky when it comes to roller coasters...as long as they don't go backwards!  (That always makes me sick!) I love the ups and downs!  Nothing is more climatic than the "clink clink clink" of the motor chain pulling you up a big steep hill.  I love the adrenaline rush of the free falling feeling of a big drop. But there is one roller coaster ride that really causes me frustration...the recovery roller coaster. 

Recovery can feel like climbing (or more like clawing) your way out of a pit. There is no chain or rope or motor pulling you out and up.  You learn some tools and you fight and work for every inch. But, just like a roller coaster when you get to a high point, it's usually followed by a twisty drop. These drops don't come with breath taking adrenaline rushes. These drops come with frustration, anxiety, and exhaustion.  (And then you are left working to get back up top again!)

Over the past couple weeks I've been evaluating my annual progress. I sat down with my therapist and shared with her my list of all that I had learned from her in the last year. Then I shared with her the things I still wanted to work on. We had a great session and talked about ways I can conquer the problems I still face. As I left her office, I was feeling happy, strong, in control, and riding high above the deep dark pit of my eating disorder.  I know that often highs can be followed by lows but it still always seems to sneak up on me!  

So, by the next day I wasn't feeling so happy, strong, or in control any more. All day long, I was distracted and had a hard time concentrating. I felt down and blue.  Then came the symptoms of anxiety. My stomach started to feel nervous. My heart beats faster. My chest and shoulders and arms feel tight. And next thing you know I start to panic because I'm panicking. I hate feeling this way. ED totally takes advantage during the time I'm feeling down.  I long for the "comfort" I get from restricting what I eat. Worst of all, ED starts in on my imperfections and flaws and also starts getting bossy. 

So a few days were not pleasant or fun. It was discouraging, exhausting, and depressing. However, I did what I had been taught to do. I reached out for help. I still have to do the work to pull myself back up all by myself.  The thing is, help means I'm not alone. Help means moral support.  Also (and most importantly), I fought back. I woke up after a feeling so down and decided that day was going to be better. I'm not going to lie and say it was perfect smooth fun carnival ride after that decision. I still had ED in my head. I still had to make very deliberate choices to eat. I still had to work through some anxiety.  But I dusted myself off and started back up to the top of the recovery roller coaster. I know I can't ride at the highest peaks forever.  However, when I come down those drops, I can continue to work hard to get back on top!