One of the hardest things for me to confront in my journey to recover from anorexia is realizing that I don't really know who I am. I am so busy trying to be this person I imagine everyone wants me to be, that I've lost myself along the way.
So, how's this working out for me? Not great!
I discussed this issue with my therapist. I not only want to be the true authentic me, but I also want to like me. (Another topic for another post!) Even typing those words feels uncomfortable. It seems narcissistic to be thinking so much about me. It's not like I have a shortage of other people to think about and take care of! However, I can see the importance of being authentic and loving me.
Being authentic means, I am me, warts and all. I embrace the good,bad, and ugly. But I never spend too much time worrying or fretting about each of those. I am ok with not being perfect. I believe I am good enough to belong and don't present a façade of perfection. I stop being the "people pleaser".
Being authentic is scary. I told my therapist I was scared how my family would perceive me. They might like the "other" me better. She told me that not being authentic can lead to so many problems...eating disorders, anxiety, resentment, blame, depression. I knew then that I had to make fixing this a priority.
I'm not sure how well I'm doing. But I am thinking about it. I try to hesitate before I respond to questions asking me my opinion. I try to keep things real and not let Polly Perfection take over. I'm listening to my body and stoping when I'm tired or done. I'm saying no when I can't do something instead of saying yes. Changing the way I've been for as long as I can remember is hard, but not impossible.
I'd like to introduce you to myself. My name is Rosalind. I'm NOT perfect, but I'm an OK person.
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