Learning to Love My Worst Enemy

After my very first session with my therapist in South Carolina, she told me I might feel physically and emotionally exhausted. She encouraged me to take it easy that day and then said four words that have often replayed in my mind over and over since that day. "Be gentle with yourself!"

I consider myself very blessed to come from an amazing and loving family. I never doubted that my parents love me. I was taken care of, spoiled just enough, and cherished. But one person was harder on me than anyone else. That person pushed, belittled, demanded, shamed, drove, and chastised. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I felt like this person hated and despised me. That person was me. I always hated looking at myself in the mirror. I hated seeing pictures of me.  Compliments embarrassed me.  I worked hard to be "perfect" but I always told myself I was far from it.  However, I demanded of myself to maintain the facade of a perfect girl. I felt like a hypocrite, knowing I was flawed and imperfect, yet constantly struggling to maintain a "perfect" image.  I was my own worst enemy!

And then, four words. I don't remember much else from that first session.  It had been a VERY hard day and I was physically and emotionally drained. I went home and those words played over and over in my head. The eating disorder (ED) did not like those words. ED's favorite dish is self hatred. He feast on it!  But that day was my first step in actually helping myself. So I followed the advice of my therapist and took it easy that afternoon. I allowed myself to relax.

I can't promise you that it's been all rainbows and butterflies since then. Overcoming hate is not like flipping a switch.  Like so many things it life, it's all about baby steps. One of the next major discoveries to help me learn to be more gentle with myself was noticing how I treat others compared to how I treat myself. I fret and worry about and serve and love my friends at all times.  I am patient and understanding. I would never belittle or verbally attack my friends. I only want to build them up and help them realize how amazing and special they are. Why couldn't I do the same for myself.

So I'm learning. And it IS difficult. Somedays I feel selfish...but that's the self hate talking. Somedays I feel fat and ugly. Somedays I feel unworthy of self kindness. On these days, the best thing I can do is to think the opposite, even if I don't believe it or really feel it!  When I do that, and allow myself to be gentle with me, I feel a little surge of power. Sometimes, I even see a little bit of a Rosalind that I like. I've always admired strong confident women. It's rewarding to see bits of strong, confident me trying to shine through the shell of doubt and dislike that has cocooned me for so long.

So, to all who read my blog...today (and everyday) be gentle with yourself!  As Christopher Germer says, "A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day.  A string of such moments can change the course of your life."  So, grant yourself a little grace. Excuse your faults and imperfections. Honestly acknowledge your talents and goodness. Everyone deserves to feel loved, especially by themselves.