Acceptance

I feel good. No, I feel great!  I feel stronger and happier than I have in a very long time. I feel like myself again. Only, a different me. (Does that even make sense?) I feel like I have better control over my mind and thoughts and emotions. I'm not perfect and I never will be. Surprisingly, I'm ok with that.

So after discussing my discovery of feeling great and mentally healthy and strong, my mentor, Jess asked what got me to this place. I thought about it a lot. I think there are several contributing factors that I could thank for getting me to this point. However, I have to give a big standing ovation to a tough but very helpful skill my therapist Landry taught me. Thank you "reality acceptance"!

For those of you who have never heard of "reality acceptance" before, let me briefly explain to you how this tool has helped me get through my rough times. Basically, when things are hard or rough, I mentally acknowledge that things are hard and give myself permission to feel whatever feelings are associated with it. Then if I don't like the situation I can move to change it.

Let me share with you an example. The place I go to therapy is pretty intense. Part of the check in process is weighing in when I visit my therapist each week.  I don't ever see the numbers, but it still caused me big time anxiety. All week I'd worry about what the scale would say. I'd try planning my wardrobe around weighing, picking out the clothes I felt were the lightest. I would get very anxious before every appointment. I even considered stopping therapy because I hated weighing in SO much. But once I learned about acceptance, I went right to work and decided to use it on this weekly cause of anxiety and unhappiness. I basically sat myself down and gave myself a little pep talk. I reminded myself that weighing in weekly takes all of 3 minutes and then it's over. I've never been fussed at or belittled for the number on the scale. It is simply a measuring tool to determine my over all health and recovery. It's only 3 minutes!  Yes, it's scary and makes me anxious. That ok. However, it's only three minutes!  After it's over, I am fine!  So accept that it's uncomfortable for those three minutes, but there is no reason to fret and worry about it all week!

That's it!  I accepted that it's hard and uncomfortable for me to weigh every week. By validating my feelings I'm stronger and more able to move past it. I can't change it and I still get anxious right before I weigh in, but I remind myself that it's ok to feel that way instead of beating myself up and working myself up into a full blown anxiety attack.  Then I give myself the three minutes it takes to weigh in to be uncomfortable and then I move away from that worry and don't allow it to hold me down.

It's so basic and simple.  Its also very gentle and nurturing. Instead of being harsh and judgmental with my thoughts and feelings, I am learning to accept them. There is no pushing uncomfortable feelings and experiences away. It's all about accepting and then being strong and moving past it.

Learning to Love My Worst Enemy

After my very first session with my therapist in South Carolina, she told me I might feel physically and emotionally exhausted. She encouraged me to take it easy that day and then said four words that have often replayed in my mind over and over since that day. "Be gentle with yourself!"

I consider myself very blessed to come from an amazing and loving family. I never doubted that my parents love me. I was taken care of, spoiled just enough, and cherished. But one person was harder on me than anyone else. That person pushed, belittled, demanded, shamed, drove, and chastised. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I felt like this person hated and despised me. That person was me. I always hated looking at myself in the mirror. I hated seeing pictures of me.  Compliments embarrassed me.  I worked hard to be "perfect" but I always told myself I was far from it.  However, I demanded of myself to maintain the facade of a perfect girl. I felt like a hypocrite, knowing I was flawed and imperfect, yet constantly struggling to maintain a "perfect" image.  I was my own worst enemy!

And then, four words. I don't remember much else from that first session.  It had been a VERY hard day and I was physically and emotionally drained. I went home and those words played over and over in my head. The eating disorder (ED) did not like those words. ED's favorite dish is self hatred. He feast on it!  But that day was my first step in actually helping myself. So I followed the advice of my therapist and took it easy that afternoon. I allowed myself to relax.

I can't promise you that it's been all rainbows and butterflies since then. Overcoming hate is not like flipping a switch.  Like so many things it life, it's all about baby steps. One of the next major discoveries to help me learn to be more gentle with myself was noticing how I treat others compared to how I treat myself. I fret and worry about and serve and love my friends at all times.  I am patient and understanding. I would never belittle or verbally attack my friends. I only want to build them up and help them realize how amazing and special they are. Why couldn't I do the same for myself.

So I'm learning. And it IS difficult. Somedays I feel selfish...but that's the self hate talking. Somedays I feel fat and ugly. Somedays I feel unworthy of self kindness. On these days, the best thing I can do is to think the opposite, even if I don't believe it or really feel it!  When I do that, and allow myself to be gentle with me, I feel a little surge of power. Sometimes, I even see a little bit of a Rosalind that I like. I've always admired strong confident women. It's rewarding to see bits of strong, confident me trying to shine through the shell of doubt and dislike that has cocooned me for so long.

So, to all who read my blog...today (and everyday) be gentle with yourself!  As Christopher Germer says, "A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day.  A string of such moments can change the course of your life."  So, grant yourself a little grace. Excuse your faults and imperfections. Honestly acknowledge your talents and goodness. Everyone deserves to feel loved, especially by themselves.

Traveling with an Unwanted Travel Companion

I love the word "wanderlust".  It's the perfect word to describe my insashable cravings to travel and see new places. If money grew on trees I would go some place new every month. I'm talking serious around the world travel here folks!  My list of places I dream of visiting is too long to even list!  And I can't pick my top ten places I want to visit because I could not even began to narrow my list down.  I want to see it ALL!

Traveling isn't always easy. You have language barriers, jet lag, lost luggage, forgotten necessary items, and other travel challenges. However these can be easily remedied and most well traveled folks learn to deal with these inconvienances.

However, there is one travel problem that's a little harder to fix and deal with...bringing ED (eating disorder) with you when you travel.

Because most travel involves being gone a day or more, you have to eat. In the past before ED took charge, I actually enjoyed eating new things and the lazy attitude of giving up control of food to whatever and whenever.  Now, despite working to recover, I struggle with lots of anxiety and guilt around food.  This is even more difficult when travels lead us to staying with friends and family at their homes.

These feeling aren't exclusive to travel...they also pop up at social gatherings, large dinner parties, and sometimes even lunch with a friend. But with travel, it is 24 hours a day for days and days. It honestly gets exhausting.  When ED had control, I had a pretty short list of "safe" foods.  Although I worked with a nutritionist for a short time on expanding my menu, I still have some food hang ups. I still like very specific foods at certain meals. I try to avoid sugar desserts.  I'm a bit obsessed with protein consumption.  I only like specific between meal "snacks"...when I eat a snack.  Partly I think these rigid food ideas give me comfort because I do like things to be the same. I am perfectly happy eating Greek yogurt with pumpkin seed flax granola every morning!  But, I know there will be times I can not eat that and I have to accept that and not let it bother me. Sometimes, that's easier said than done.

So, when I win a billion dollars from a lottery I never play, I guess I will just give up my list of places I want to go visit. It's too hard with ED as a travel companion.  Hello?  I'm not giving up my travel dreams!  Even though it will be challenging and sometimes vey hard, I will just have to deal with it.  Besides, I've had wanderlust much longer than ED. He can stay home! I just won't be buying ED a ticket!