Hiding

I got glasses when I was a senior in high school. However, I started wearing a non-prescription pair earlier than that. I think it was because I liked the way they looked. My prescription still isn't very strong. However, I wear my glasses all day, every day.  A few years ago my husband begged me to try contacts so "my beautiful blue eyes" weren't obstructed by my glasses. I reluctantly agreed. The first day I wore contacts I went right out and got sunglasses. It was then I realized that going out, minus my glasses, made me almost anxious. I felt like people could look right into my eyes and see into my soul. I needed my glasses in order to hide.

Recently I had a conversation with one of my very supportive friends through texting. In my struggle to over come my eating disorder, I've hit a bump. I mustered up the courage to text her and ask for help in the form of encouragement and prayers. As usual, she was wonderful and supportive. But when she encouraged me to talk to someone about it, I told her, "It's just so hard to talk about. That's why I text you instead of call."  Her response hit me right between the eyes (but luckily didn't break my glasses).  "Maybe you need to face it head on instead of hiding behind the phone?  It may help to just really truly talk about it."

It's true. I hide from talking about my problems. I will text or write a letter, but when it comes to verbalizing my feelings face to face, I just can't do it. Actually, I can...I'm physically able to talk. I just don't like to. What am I hiding from?

When I write my feelings are black and white.  I can take as long as I want to think about what I'm going to put in a sentence. And, once that sentence is done, I can change it or totally omit it.  If I get emotional, no one sees. They may sense from my writing that I have intense feelings, but it is emotion with a paper barricade.

Upon further thought on this topic I realize I hide in other ways too. I hide behind the nice, happy, smiling girl. I always try to be the easy friend, wife, mother, daughter, sister.  I let others pick where we eat and what we do. I try to go above and beyond for my friends. I work very hard to make people laugh.  What am I hiding?  I'm hiding the person I see in the mirror...the person who is not always happy and who is so flawed I'm sure no one could possibly like or love her.

I hide behind eating, or rather not eating. Obviously with an eating disorder, food is an issue. With food I'm hiding from feeling out of control. I'm hiding from any feelings that I define as bad. By restricting, I feel like I have the ultimate control.  Having a sad day...that feels out of control, I just won't eat and thus I have ultimate control.  Feeling tired...that feels out of control, I just won't eat and thus I gain back the control.

The thing I'm learning about hiding, is that it is lonely. When you hide you are alone.  When I don't talk to people they can't help me. Even the best of writing lacks pure human emotion and readers can misinterpret the writers feelings. When I hide behind happy girl, I'm not allowing others to know the real me. How can I be a true friend when people don't really know who I am?  When I hide behind food, I miss the opportunity to be human and to experience all the range of emotions. I also fall into the trap that by restricting my eating I have ultimate control. The truth is, I end up being dangerously out of control.

I can't promise this epiphany means no more hiding. I am going to be more mindful of hiding.  The glasses stay, though.  I think I look rather clever in glasses.