This Chick

When it's time to hatch, the little chick faces its first adversity.  Breaking out of its protective shell of 21 days is no small task.  The little chick works and struggles. Finally, it's free. However difficult the challenge is to leave its safe haven of a shell behind, any aid or assistance only weakens the chick. It must overcome this obstacle on its own in order to become strong and healthy.

In our own lives we too face adversities, struggles, challenges, and obstacles. Sometimes we face these with others. But often we face them by ourselves.  It is during these times we are truly tested.

As I have struggled to overcome my eating disorder, I've pondered extensively the age old question, "Why me?"  I've felt punished. I've felt abandoned. I've felt alone. I've felt very afraid.  But recently I was reminded of how a little chick must struggle to free itself from the shell or risk weakness and death if anyone intervenes.  I thought of other animals that have similar struggles...sea turtles, butterflies...humans.

Despite always loving my Heavenly Father, I found myself feeling almost betrayed or abandoned by Him. Why me?  Why was I cursed with this horrible affliction?  I try to do what's right and live a good Christ-like life. I'm not perfect, but I do try. So, why saddle me with this burden I feel is too much to bear?

I thought of the story from the book of Mark in the New Testament. Jesus and His disciples were out on a boat. The Savior fell asleep and a large powerful storm came. The disciples were very scared.  They felt the ship was sure to be swallowed by the angry waves, yet the Savior slept on. They waited till they felt they could wait no longer and then woke the Savior and questioned "Carest thou not that we perish?"

I often echoed their same sentiment.  Didn't my Father care this illness was destroying me?  Then, I was reminded of the chick, and a light bulb clicked on in my head. This realization completely changed the way I looked at my eating disorder. I wasn't a victim. I was given a challenge.   James E Faust said, "Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful. The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength. For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process."

I'm done feeling victimized.  No longer do I feel punished. This is my challenge and I will rise to it!  I am not alone.  Just like the Savior calmed the sea for His frightened disciples, I know when I've learned the lesson I'm supposed to learn, I will have calm waters ahead.  This chick is busting out of her shell with more "faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength"!

Letting it Go! How I relate to Frozen

How I Relate to Frozen

I have always loved all things Disney.  However, it has been a long time since I really connected to a Disney princess movie. So I was totally unprepared for the strong emotional connection I felt as I sat in the theater with my family and saw Frozen for the first time.  Watching Elsa struggle was like looking in a mirror. Let me explain. 

At the beginning Elsa struggles to understand this unusual power that she has to freeze.  She is scared and is told to repress her feelings, and hide away so her power isn't revealed.  Meanwhile, Elsa's younger sister Anna doesn't understand why her sister has shut herself away from the world. Anna begs and pleads for Elsa to come out. You can feel the pain and anguish as time after time, Elsa sends her sister away.  Then her first time out in public, Elsa's power to freeze is reviled when a dispute with Anna causes Elsa to lose control. All her years of trying to control it and hold it in were in vain.  Elsa runs away in terror, fear, and shame.  The frozen mountain tops become her refuge and Elsa pours out her heart in the amazing song, "Let It Go". She sings about being isolated and lonely. She sings about rules and the pressure to be perfect.  She sings about trying to hide her powers and not feel.  Elsa sees that the rules and fear that have controlled her entire life no longer exist.  She is free!  Of course, this can't be the end. Anna is desperate to find Elsa and bring her home.  Plus, when Elsa lashed out with her power it covered the entire kingdom in a deep winter.  Anna finds Elsa, but Elsa doesn't want to return.  Anna explains that she needs Elsa's help to end the winter curse.  Elsa eventually ends up returning and the love between Anna and Elsa ends up saving the day. 

Obviously I do not have the power to freeze things. But I do have another power. I have amazing will power. I'm sure some of you are thinking that this isn't a dangerous power like freezing stuff. Well, like Elsa, I found my power used in a very scary way.  I have an eating disorder. Like Elsa, this power scared me and I knew it had the potential to hurt those I love as well as being harmful to me. I tried to conceal, don't feel. I tried to control my power and I wouldn't let anyone know about my "power" or sickness.   I accepted that this was just the way I was and accepted my difference.  I was controlled by rules and a desire to be perceived as perfect.  Like Elsa, I couldn't hold it in forever. My careful control of my power crumbled and I found myself feeling like I needed to hide.  So, I hid.  Not out of plain sight, I hid inside my mind. I emotionally withdrew. My control spiraled totally out of control.  My children, only aware that I was behaving differently, begged me to come out of my "exile". My family and friends could see I was not myself. I turned people away.  I didn't want to hurt them.  I didn't want anyone to know.  But, people were noticing as my eating disorder took control of my life. I was no longer the perfect girl I tried to present.  I tried to run and hide but loving family and friends as well as a great therapist helped me understand my power. My strong will could be used to overcome the eating disorder that had me trapped. I learned that it's ok to feel. I learned to ignore the rules of my eating disorder. I was taught that my powers are beautiful and unique to me.  I learned that hiding doesn't help, I need people. 

My perfect ending hasn't come yet. Honestly, I doubt Elsa's fairy tale ending was instant. Overcoming an eating disorder and years of self-shame and not understanding yourself takes time, patience, and lots of support and understanding.   Its not easy to let go!  However, now that I know my power I plan to use it for good. I'm learning to let go of the past. No more  perfect girl. No more keeping it in.  So let the storm (life) rage on. The cold never bothered me anyway.