I HATE FOOD!

It is still amazing to me how ED (eating disorder) finds the perfect time to jump in my head. I had an interesting successful use of my recovery tools today. 

My son started out yesterday with a headache before school. I brought him home to try and sleep it off so he could maybe still go to field day. It kept getting worse and worse. He started throwing up. By 4:30 I was really worried. He was in excruciating pain. I took him to a med clinic and waited over two hours to be seen. They never gave him any thing for pain. They tested his urine and said he was dehydrated and had high levels of ketones. The doc told me he wasn't eating enough - so his body was breaking down fat causing the ketones in his urine. They said I should go home and hydrate him. When I asked about an IV they said, "Well we can try to get an IV in him but if we can take him to the ER."  This was over three hours after I walked into the clinic and nothing had been done. I was not happy with the care he was receiving and I was trying to be assertive. But I was also alone with a sick kid. I finally had enough and told them we were just leaving. Then my husband showed up. We were going to take him to the ER. But he begged us to just take him home. I stayed up all night keeping medicine in him and encouraging him to drink. (They did give him ZOFRAN for nausea at the clinic and so he was finally able to keep stuff down.)  I took him to his doctor this morning. They ordered a series of blood work but one of them had to be done fasting so I will take him in the morning so he only has to be stuck once. They want to check on his blood sugar levels. We will know next week what those tests tell us. 

So, where was ED and when did I use tools?  Well after we left the lab today I kept hearing the doctor from last night saying over and over in my mind "He's not eating enough!"  I started to feel very anxious and question if I was feeding him enough. I started to feel very guilty and then I started to think about how much I hate food. I was totally full of loathing for food!  I was so angry at myself. I felt like I was a horrible parent. All my effort to teach my children to be healthy eaters was wrong. I was obviously starving them. Then all the sudden I heard my therapists voice. "I wonder why you are thinking this?"  So I did a little evaluation and of course I realized I was very tired from lack of sleep last night and a stressful day yesterday.  ED - that sneaky villain!  I had even thought about skipping meals and everything today. I hated food!  I was so mad at food and at myself. But after I was able to wonder why I was having disordered thoughts and finding a reason for them, I committed to eat healthy and not skip any meals.  I also reached out for help and talked to my mom. She assured me my son is a good eater and that I was not doing anything wrong in regards to the food I prepare for my kids. I'm still tired but I'm very proud I was able to stop myself from the extreme thinking and to understand why I was struggling with disordered thoughts.  Sorry I hated you food!

The Noose Around My Neck

Things have been going really well.  I've felt strong, healthy, and making good progress. After a great week of family vacation, I met with my therapist for my monthly appointment. My one concern that I wanted to discuss is that spring and summer are just around the corner.  The last two years, these weren't good times for me AT ALL!  So I expressed this to my therapist. She validated my concern but then basically told me I need to trust myself more and not panic every time I sense disordered thoughts about eating on the horizon.  She reminded me AGAIN of how far I've come and how much more I know now. Then she said "recovery doesn't mean never having eating disordered thoughts it means never doing what those thoughts tell you."  She called this radical abstinence. 

Cue anxiety!  Literally right there in her office, I felt my heart stop and my breathing tightened. NEVER GIVE INTO ANOTHER DISORDERED THOUGHT ABOUT EATING?!?!  NEVER?  Don't get me wrong. I don't want to go back to where I was. Honestly though, I just felt like I could keep my eating disorder in my back pocket. You know, just in case I need it.  When asked what I would need it for I wasn't  exactly sure. I guess I feel like I might need it in case something comes up and I can't handle it with out my eating disorder. 

The more I thought about giving it up...taking it out of my pocket and throwing it away for good...the more anxious and emotional I became. I know this doesn't make sense.  So I kept trying to think of how I could explain it to others. 

An eating disorder is like a rope. When the hike through life's mountains gets rough and tough I hold on tight to the rope. No matter what, if I hold on to the rope I can't fall down the mountainside!  The rope keeps me from crashing into the rocks below. But there is a catch - the end of the rope is tied around my neck in a noose. So the rope helps me survive as long as I'm holding on to it but also has the potential to kill me if I get tired or lose control of my grip on the rope.  I'm pretty fond of my rope - not the noose part of course. I am really scared to let it go and not use it. It's helped me at times when I felt I had nothing else available. However, now I have other tools (things I've learned in therapy) available. I'm not really great at using them, and most of them are untested in a big crisis. Even if these tools don't work, I've learned that I also have a safety net (family and friends who love me) below. But my rope is always right here.  I know how to use it.  It's familiar.  It's comforting.  It is close...albeit too close. 

So this is where I'm at. I think the reason I get so anxious about any sign of eating disordered thoughts is because I know I'm keeping my eating disorder in my back pocket. I haven't thrown out the rope...I'm letting it dangle just within reach. Because of this, these thoughts aren't just passing through my mind. They are still very convenient to use.  

I know what I should do. I know what I need to do. None of this knowledge changes the fact that I've grown comfortable with my rope and am scared to give it up. This one is going to take some time, some thought, some discomfort, some prayer, and a big huge dose of faith. 

LOVE - perfectly imperfect and an 80's Whitney Houston classic

The last several weeks I've been thinking about love quite a bit.  (And not just because it was just Valentine's Day!)  The reason it's been on my mind is because I feel like I'm at a point in my progression in overcoming my eating disorder that I need to address a hard issue that I've been putting off for a while. As I was talking to my therapist about being authentic and kindly accepting my imperfections the topic of self-compassion came up. 

It's important that I interject a bit of my history at this point. I was raised in a very kind and loving family. I never doubted my parents love for me. Sure, I got in trouble sometimes, but discipline was always followed with an out pouring of love. Still to this day I count my parents love for me as one of my greatest pillars of strength.  I was also raised in a very religious home. I bet I can count the number of Sunday's I missed church in my childhood on one hand!  I'm grateful for my spiritual education of a kind loving Heavenly Father, and of an equally loving and self sacrificing Savior, Jesus Christ. 

Despite all this love - somewhere along the way I started to feel flawed and very unworthy of it all. My self image tumbled to some pretty low lows. I became caught up in personal perfectionism. I began to hold myself up to unrealistic expectations in areas of my life. I wasn't an over achiever, I was a self loather. Working hard to achieve a goal can get you places. Self loathing only holds you back. 

So once I went out into the big wide world (AKA - college)  I started to really struggle. Although my family still loved me and I still was attending church, I began to believe the hateful perfectionist voice in my head. That is when I first began to experience serious disordered thoughts about my body, food, and eating. 

Now, more than 20 years later, I am successfully learning to battle those disorders thoughts!  But some things are hard for me to understand. How do you show self-compassion?  As I was talking with my therapist I asked her, "How do you love yourself?"  Her response was simple yet  a huge awakening to me. She said, that my self-talk should be the same as how I talk to my friends and loved ones.  Makes logical sense, but is a bit harder to implement. For example, if a friend said "I think I gained ten pounds on vacation!"  I'd say, "No! You look great!  Maybe you just need to move around a bit and you'll feel better.  Let's go walking every morning this week!"  But, if in my mind I think to myself, "My clothes are all tight,have I gained weight?" My self reply is not very gentle, "You are a fat slob! Why don't you have more control. Get your lazy butt up and exercise until you look as thin as a model!  I'm sick of looking at this image in the mirror!  That's it!  No more eating for you till you learn to control pig like urges!" I would never in a million years talk to a friend or family member like that!  

That brings me back to my past few weeks contemplating love. What is love?  How do I show love?  How do I feel loved?  Why should I love myself?  What is the greatest love of all?  That last question is easy...I'm a child of the 80's and Whitney Houston answered that question. 

"Because the greatest love of all

Is happening to me

I found the greatest love of all

Inside of me"

Self-compassion isn't an easy thing for me. I am my worst critic.  However, I'm trying to take it one step at a time. I'm trying to practice "the greatest love of all".  I'm trying to be gentle with myself, even when I miss opportunities to practice self-compassion. I'm trying to learn from my mistakes in that regard as well.  Christopher Germer said, "A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day.  A string of such moments can change the course of your life."  That is my goal; to practice self-compassion in the moment, and collecting those moments to change my life!  

Singing it Whitney!

"Learning to love yourself

It is the greatest love of all"

Excuse me! Who am I?

"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself," Anna Quindlen

One of the hardest things for me to confront in my journey to recover from anorexia is realizing that I don't really know who I am.  I am so busy trying to be this person I imagine everyone wants me to be, that I've lost myself along the way. 

So, how's this working out for me?  Not great!  

I discussed this issue with my therapist. I not only want to be the true authentic me, but I also want to like me. (Another topic for another post!)  Even typing those words feels uncomfortable. It seems narcissistic to be thinking so much about me. It's not like I have a shortage of other people to think about and take care of!  However, I can see the importance of being authentic and loving me. 

Being authentic means, I am me, warts and all. I embrace the good,bad, and ugly. But I never spend too much time worrying or fretting about each of those. I am ok with not being perfect.  I believe I am good enough to belong and don't present a façade of perfection.  I stop being the "people pleaser".  

Being authentic is scary.  I told my therapist I was scared how my family would perceive me.  They might like the "other" me better. She told me that not being authentic can lead to so many problems...eating disorders, anxiety, resentment, blame, depression. I knew then that I had to make fixing this a priority. 

I'm not sure how well I'm doing. But I am thinking about it. I try to hesitate before I respond to questions asking me my opinion. I try to keep things real and not let Polly Perfection take over.  I'm listening to my body and stoping when I'm tired or done. I'm saying no when I can't do something instead of saying yes.  Changing the way I've been for as long as I can remember is hard, but not impossible.  

I'd like to introduce you to myself. My name is Rosalind.  I'm NOT perfect, but I'm an OK person.  

Skeleton in the Closet - It's time to tell my daughter

After opening up about my struggle with an eating disorder on this blog I have felt so much freedom. It has been very therapeutic and any comments from friends and family have been supportive. Over all it's been a positive experience. There is one place that my eating disorder is still hidden like a skeleton in a closet. There is still one place that I have to guard what I say. There is still one place where I'm a closed book. That place is my home. My husband knows what is going on and has been supportive. However, my children do not know. I'm sure they suspect something. For two summers in a row I've left once a week for a mystery "appointment". When I'm in the clutches of the eating disorder I'm distracted, aloof, impatient, unpredictable, and unhappy. Just because they are children doesn't mean they are oblivious. Despite what they have observed, I've never come right out and told them, "I have an eating disorder."  But lately I've been thinking a lot about telling my oldest. This is a big deal!

I still really struggle with feeling like I should just stop having an eating disorder. I've read lots of literature, I know it's not something you choose to have or not have. It's a disease.  But I still struggle with feeling like I should be strong enough and in control enough to just stop.  These thoughts bring lots of frustration self-doubt and discouragement. Part of the reason I've always been afraid to talk to my kids about my eating disorder is I've been afraid that they will "choose" to have an eating disorder since I have one. I worry that me telling them will give them an excuse to give into disordered eating behaviors. As I slowly change my beliefs I am realizing one doesn't choose to have an eating disorder. By telling my children, I will not be starting or stoping the chance of them having an eating disorder.  

In all actuality, genetics play a pretty significant role in eating disorders. That is something I can't change or control.  But if I am brave enough to pull down my barrier and share my struggles and pain (as well as my hard work and progress) with my children, then maybe it will open up the doors of communication. I wouldn't wish an eating disorder on my worst enemy. The thought of any of my children struggling with one actually makes me feel panicked and physically sick. I can not bury my head in the sand though. I have to make sure communication about this serious illness is open in my family.  I have to be prepared to help my children fight should this demon come looking for them.   

So, it's time to take this big step. It's scary and vulnerable. However, I feel like it is ultimately in the best interest of my children's future well being. And for them, I'd do anything.  It's time to talk about it and say out loud in my home, "I have an eating disorder."

Don't Flip My Switch: I'm no electrical engineer!

It's been one of those weeks. You know the type...multiple events scheduled for each day.  Somedays I'm not even sure how it will all work since I need kids in two places at once. Then there is all my work around the house; cooking, cleaning, laundry. Christmas activities are popping up all over the place. Add to it my church assignments and other friend and family obligations. Even things I enjoy become just another thing to check off my list. These days usually end with me feeling tired and stretched WAY too thin.  I often find myself falling back into unhealthy habits. 

The thing I'm finally coming to accept about having an eating disorder is it never will go away. It's hard for me to even type that sentence. However, my amazing therapist, Landry is helping me understand that this isn't the equivalent to a life sentence!  She explains that an eating disorder is like a switch that's wired in my head. Anytime things get crazy or stressful my wiring will run a current to the eating disorder switch. When I first heard this I felt pretty discouraged and frustrated. I do not want to live with this for the rest of my life. Landry assured me that just because the switch is there doesn't mean it has to be on. 

Learning to control the switch is now my goal. When life gets crazy and stressful I can use the tools I've learned in therapy to divert the current from triggering the eating disorder switch. The tools I use aren't magic. The are actually pretty basic and logical.  

One tool I'm learning is that it is extremely important to take care of myself. This means keep myself healthy, well rested, and exercise in moderation.  Sleep is very important. Gone are the days of functioning on 3 or 4 hours of sleep! Being sick can also prove very challenging. So, I have to be very alert and make sure I'm taking care of my physical well being so as to not allow the current to flip the switch. 

Another important tool is focusing on the positive. I'm generally a happy person but this world is full of so much sadness and darkness. Honestly, it REALLY brings me down.  I try to avoid watching the news. I even have to be careful what I read...non-fiction or fiction. If it's very dark or sad and hopeless I fall into the depths of despair. I even have to keep things in check when my loved ones have a bad day or challenges. If I can't help or fix it, I become overwhelmed by it. To combat this, I have to stay positive and optimistic to prevent my switch from turning on. 

The final tool I want to mention is called "cope ahead". Because I like to plan in advance, this tool works great for me. When I see a busy hectic day, I can plan ahead ways to prevent the current from switching on my eating disorder switch. This might be as simple as putting a few extra eat on the run snacks in my purse the night before a busy day, or as difficult as seeing my schedule is full and saying no to another scheduling request. It's like seeing the storm on the horizon and getting my tools all lined up to stop the current just in case. 

I'm no electrical engineer, but I'm grateful for this analogy.  It really helps me to visual what I need to do to stay in recovery and to continue to work toward a healthy happier me.  

What Does Top Gun and a Wagon Have in Common?

I used to watch the movie Top Gun all the time! (I adored Tom Cruise before he got all jump on a couch weird.)  I hadn't seen it in years when just the other day my hubby was flipping through the channels and stopped on Top Gun. It was about half way through the movie and we were drawn to it like moths to a flame. Towards the end, after Goose dies in a freak flying accident , the commander of Top Gun expresses how important it is for Maverick to get back up in the air and fly. Maverick just can't get over the loss of his navigator and best friend and can't get in the cockpit to complete his training. He had hit a wall, a stumbling block, a bump in the road.   He had fallen and couldn't get back up!

The idea of getting over challenges has been around for ages. For someone who fell off a horse, people might encourage, "Get back in the saddle!"  After a car accident, you may have to encourage a teen to get "back behind the wheel".  Soliders may experience feeling "gun shy" after a stressful situation.

Not too long ago I lost my way. I fell off the recovery wagon. I not only couldn't get back up, I straight up didn't want to get back up. But I was blessed with some amazing friends and a loving supportive family. They encouraged me and even gave me a boost to get back into the recovery wagon.  My recovery wagon had a new driver in the form of my new therapist. At first I was unsure, and I didn't know if her driving skills would work for me and my wagon.  For awhile I just rode, watching the miles pass by. Then I started to participate and work with my driver as she maneuvered my recovery wagon up the steep slopes of eating disorder mountain. Some days were hard, some were easy. At times, I felt like I was going to fall off again, but my driver and I had put some safety features into place to keep me on board.  They worked.

Now we are starting a new leg of the journey. I'm going to be driving my wagon now.  I've been working hard and it's time for me to take the reins. This means that now I will only be visiting with my therapist every other week, instead of every week.  I am very proud. I know I am ready for this.  I still have my friends and family supporting me. Plus, my driver is riding right next to my wagon. All I have to do is ask for her help when I need it.

Maverick does overcome his challenges to pilot a fighter plane and he saves the day.  Like Maverick,  I'm back on board too. I know I can drive my recovery wagon into the valley of health and happiness and save myself.  Top Gun and wagons...they are totally connected!